TEENAGER HYGIENE HELP! 13 YEAR OLD STEPDAUGHTER
Okay.....my first Blog. Teenage SD started her menstrual cycle several months ago. She lived with us up until about 3 weeks ago and moved back with her MOM! Hallelujah!
She came to visit (yeah right) over the weekend and left on Sunday. I went to the bathroom and discovered the trash was full of the nasty stuff. What was worse was, she didn't properly dispose of her stuff like wrap it up in toilet paper. Everything was exposed for the eye to see! This was the upstairs bathroom which her and my older son (19) share.
I took the trash and set it in her room. I set it in her room because I'm not emptying it. Told my husband that he needed to talk to her about properly disposing her pads, etc. He's pissed at me now for three days.
Do you think her Mom doesn't tell her or do you think she is doing this on purpose?
I posted a message on our computer addressed to her about how to properly dispose of these things and more about how the menstral cycle education. If I tell her, then I'm the Witcheepoo anyway. So I just don't say much.
Witheepoo
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Comments
It's normal.
My SD does the same thing. She doesn't know any better, I had to teach her! I don't know, Beast bitch just didn't tell her what to do. I had to....weird.
Why do I pay the price for her ignorance?
Thanks for replying. I know it's not my responsibility and I washed my hands of it a long time ago because I always finish last and anything I say is always wrong.
I think next time I run into her Mom, I will mention that she should talk about it to her. But she avoids me at all cost.
I had to grow up fast having only a dad, but I was a little smarter. I never did that.
Witcheepoo
but what if bm is not
but what if bm is not teaching her instead of putting it in her room ask her to empty it then take her in the bathroom and show her how! you cant scold a kid for something her body does for the first time shes not knowing what to do i know when i got mine my mother sat me down and showed me everything there was to do about all that nonsense down there! maybe turn the niceness around for a change show her you are willing to be a mother figure in her life show her you have the love and patience for her?!?!? dunno just a sugestion
I think all SM's
feel that way. I sure have many times. I had to raise HER children b/c she decided she did not want to be a mom anymore. I had to educate HER children on sex and menstrual cycles b/c she chose not to. I've had to do basically everything for HER children b/c she's too damn lazy. Does kind piss ya off doesn't it!
I would go get one of those
I would go get one of those trash cans that has either a swinging lid or the kind you step on to open and just ask her to wrap her sanitary items in toilet paper before placing them in the trash. Get the scented trash bags too. Its new for her so just simply tell her and leave it at that. Try not to make a big deal of it. Or even just leave her a little note if you think it would be embarrassing for either of you. But I'd handle it yourself, your DH probably wouldn't feel comfortable and would be greatly appreciative if you could step in as a woman on this issue.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I just told my DH the
I just told my DH the situation & he said if he had a daughter going through it he would ask me to help her because he wouldn't know what to say & would be embarrassed.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
same goes for me
I had to teach my oldest SD too and probably will have to with my youngest SD soon, because both are in their teens. Even though DH has custody, if they tried to call BM about it, she wouldn't answer. Any calls or emails the SDs place to her are never answered. BM is evil to do that }:) Ideally, the BMs would be teaching their daughters to do it. But honestly, given the situation and all that's happened, I'm glad it's me teaching them because if they were still with BM, there's no way she'd lift a finger to teach them.
My SD thinks the world is her trash can
She throws all kinds of disgusting things wherever it is most convenient- puts used pads in drawers, wrappers everywhere, on the floor. She must dump her tampons in the toilet first then fish them out to throw in the trashcan because they are soaking wet with an inch of toilet water in the bottom of the can. That's when she isn't just tossing them in the cabinet the trash can sits in, without hitting the basket. That's when she actually bothers to remove the pads from her underwear before putting it in the washer for me to find later.
She used to hide her Goodnights in closets and drawers too, toss soaking wet blankets behind her bed on the carpet etc etc etc. She also has wrapped apple cores up in her clothes to hid them, leaves half full moldy coke cans that she smuggled up to her room (we only buy 2 litres now and nothing in single servings because she was always hoarding those in her room because it was easy.
When I first moved in we had mice turds in every closet on every floor, including a mouse I caught in our pantry. Also, the upstairs rooms (she had moved from one to another after BM moved out) both wreaked of urine.
I could go on all day. It's disgusting. She has only improved slightly with constant micro managing.
BM is disgusting too with her house so I'm told, doesn't wash dishes for weeks etc.
Apple stays by tree I'm afraid.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
yikes
I hope this is not what I have to look forward to!!!! Luckily, SD8 should have several years to go still!
Sita Tara, some of the things you wrote about could have been written by me. BM is a complete slob & totally lazy, so SD8 & FSD11 have learned to be that way. SD8 has gotten MUCH better about things, but FSD11 is a lost cause. Not that this is her fault, but she wet the bed up until about a year ago. She wouldn't say anything about it, so I'd either smell it or find out a week later when they went back to BM's. In his old apartment, my husband spent a fortune at the laundry mat washing her sheets several times a week. Meanwhile, at BM's, FSD11 would just pile clean blankets on the bed until the urine dried. We know this because she admitted it. And we believe it because a) BM is lazy & probably changed the sheets like once a year & b) FSD11 often reeked of urine. It's so nasty.
FSD11 would pick her nose & wipe it everywhere. Not just when she was little, but as recent as when she was 9 or 10-yrs-old! The wall near her bed is gross. And anyone who's had the joy of trying to remove this from a wall will know...it does not come off easily! Both her & SD8's eating habits are atrocious. They do not sit properly in the chair, they push the plate at least 5 inches from them, so food & crumbs get all over the table, their lap, the chair, the floor, etc. One time, SD8 dropped food over her shoulder & onto the floor. How on earth does that even happen?! We constantly have to remind them of sitting properly at the table & eating over their plates. When I go through their backpacks every other week, there's all kinds of moldy food in there because BM NEVER looks in their backpacks. It's probably smart that we make them eat everything at the table, because otherwise I know we'd find all kinds of food & crumbs everywhere.
Now, BM is convinced that FSD11 will be starting to menstruate any day now. I'm not so sure about this. I realize that sometimes it starts early, but she just barely turned 11 & hasn't started developing at all yet. Just because she's been moodier than usual doesn't mean that's the reason. (And this kid has always been moody!) But BM is obsessing over it, which I'm sure is causing FSD11 to obsess over it. SD8 talks about FSD11 going through puberty enough that I'm sure this is what BM is blaming all our current problems on.
I'm sure if FSD11 was still living with us, I'd be in charge of educating her on everything. As it is, I had to have the very uncomfortable task of talking to FSD11 about shaving. I went to use my razor one day & the blades had strawberry blonde hair stuck in them. Since she's the only one with that hair color, it was easy to solve that mystery! So I put a razor for her in the shower & told her that I had done so. I tried to explain how you shouldn't share razors, etc, etc, but wouldn't you think that BM would have already talked to her about this? Since supposedly, BM & "her girls" talk about "everything".
But even though sometimes it's really difficult, you have to say something & at least attempt to explain certain basics. I don't know your exact situation, Witcheepoo, because I'm sure you have very good reasons for not even attempting to be involved in SD's life anymore. God knows I get where you're coming from there. You can explain something until you're blue in the face & it gets ignored. Then BM says the same exact thing & it becomes gospel. Been there more than I'd like to have been. But I still keep trying to educate them & correct the complete nonsense BM puts in their heads. My husband has been doing this for over 6 years. It's a never-ending battle.
"The wall near her bed is
"The wall near her bed is gross. And anyone who's had the joy of trying to remove this from a wall will know...it does not come off easily!"
I had to comment back, that I often say that someone should market the chemical components of buggers as an adhesive. Because it takes the PAINT off the wall when you try to flippin' remove it! GROSS.
My BSs did this one. Fortunately though I still catch SD picking, she doesn't place the results on the walls, though where she does is highly more disgusting. She makes fun of BS 11 for still picking, though honestly I think he is "playing" with his nose. No buggers, just gotta feel up in there in case there's gold. He sucked his thumb (my only thumbsucker thank God- was cute at 4 mos old, but by 10 I was so disgusted with him and riding him constantly.) I think he is terribly orally and nasally fixated. Weird. We got divorced when he was two, so perhaps he's stuck in one of the Piaget stages from the trauma, or wait- that was Freud who was orally and otherwise fixated. He finally stopped doing it around 10, at least in front of me. I'll have to settle for that. His friends can ride him if he slips up now.
SD has a new one too. Making sculptures on her window with her chewed up gum. And my kids love these extremely strong scented gums too- so I was today, disgusted and peeling off mango/punch/pineapple putrid goop off her window.
DISGUSTING. BSs grew out of doing this kind of stuff by 9 or 10 and they're BOYS. Why is she so gross?
I just don't get her at all. And from reading your response and WP's and oh so many others, what IS going on? Why are kids not maturing on these little things- eating with your mouth closed- BS 14 is a very neat eater, BS 11 I have to ride constantly about it. And he was a kid who wanted his hands wiped off after every bite because they were "STICKY!!!!" Now he is gross too. But even so, not as much as SD. She itches/picks her nose WHILE eating.
Do you think it's b/c BM never ate much with SD? Therefore didn't really correct her?
Are kids just so inept at doing things that are normal etiquette, because it's "no fun" and adults aren't bothering because "it's just manners- they're JUST kids etc?
WHAT? It's exhausting all this micro managing for things my mom didn't HAVE TO TELL ME past the age of 6 or 7. I didn't want to show everyone the food in my mouth, pass gass in front of my friends, belch as loud as I could, fall down and laugh hysterically over myself (ok...when sober at least.) When I did something embarrassing as a teen...
I WAS EMBARRASSED!
So many of them seem just not to give a damn what anyone thinks.
EXCEPT...
In regard to how rich they are or how sexual they are or how many designer clothes/techno toys/unsupervised time they have. THOSE things...make you cool.
OK....time to step down from the soap box.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I can't wait
for SD8 to get old enough to leave her dirty pads in her underwear.
Not.
Yikes, Sita. You prove us yet again how strong you are by sharing some of the horrors you have gone through. That must have been awful!
SD8 isn't as bad (though I hope she will never get that bad! ... if she does
Oh well. Not my kid)... but she doesn't like taking baths or showers. She'll go in, but if you don't watch her, she won't wash her hair so she can go for a week or two before we start to realize how bad her hair smells. She won't brush her teeth (even though both DH and myself have told her to do so)... so her breath will smell and you can tell they are just utterly dirty (especially of all the sugar DH lets that child consume!). When SD8 goes to the bathroom, number one or number two, she never wipes so she ends up with pee and/or poop stains on her underwear. Sometimes she'll have an accident over night (either she'll pee or poop in her sleep)... and she'll go all day with pee or poopy underwear. It's disgusting. BM isn't a dirty slob... I mean she's an ugly wart hog, but BM keeps herself clean, so I don't know why SD8 is in this habit of not caring about her hygiene.
My BS 11 is the same
He likes his hair too long. They all seem to go through it, and luckily BS 14 decided to make some lifestyle changes including a NORMAL short hair cut! He looks so much more grown up and handsome (though SD and BS 11 think not and made fun for a while.)
I finally told BS 11 if he didn't shower and wash his hair daily, I would be taking him for a buzz cut. That did it. He starting having SM (a stylist) cut it much shorter- still longer than looks good, but much better. And he started showering daily/shampooing every time without being asked. STILL have to tell him to brush his teeth am and pm. Gross. I can't imagine how anyone gets close to him if he doesn't.
I also am reminding to start wearing deodorant (he doesn't need to just yet, but is so bad about hygiene habits I am trying to introduce it before it gets bad so he is already used to doing it by then.) SD was horrible about deodorant, seemed offended at the suggestion (and she had already started her period, and was in dire need at times.)
Oh- and I did have to talk to her about shaving, but only because BM insisted she start shaving at barely 10! She is dark skinned but has virtually no body hair, yet BM insisted well before the other girls were shaving, and then just handed her a razor without telling her how to use it. Also, at that time SD's would pick scabs, sores, her fingertips til they bled (her dark skin is scarred pink in many places, but her fingertips/cuticle areas are like she had them burned off at some point.)
I could go on and on and on (and do I guess at times.) I go through spurts where I try not to vent, but then SD cycles into her manic/angry PMMD type moods, provoking and baiting me that it all seems to pour right outta me.
"Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Teach Her
I had to teach my SD about puberty and everything because BM absolutely refused to do so. SD lives with me and I was trying to allow BM to have that mother/daughter bonding time. She was totally grossed out about it. Go figure. Most mothers find that a special moment to bond with their daughters. In fact, she said that she would rather that I had the talk with her since I had already done so with BD who is 8 years older.
I had the talk and purchased pads EARLY just in case. I then went to the bookstore and bought a book for young girls on puberty that explains all of the changes that the female body goes through. WHy? Because I remember being embarrassed to ask specific questions of my mom at that age. So, I got the book, it had illustrated pics and was very well written. I then allowed my SD to come to me with anything that she wasn't clear on. I know it can seem like a bit much but this book discussed shaving, breasts, masturbation (yeah they need to know that it is not something to be disgusted by and is actually a good way to learn your own body). Now saying that I don't want them learning it so young, but I know that what is discussed amongst the teen-aged set is a whole lot worse and filled with misinformation.
Another book I bought was titled, "My Body, My Self: For Girls" by Lynda and Area Madaras. They are mother/daughter and it has games and quizzes and loads of information. This is considered a What is happening to my body workbook.
I also bought the "New Teen Book" by Wade F. Horn and Carol Keough. It is an A-to-Z guide for Parents of 9- to 16- year olds. THis book is more for parents on what to expect as you enter and ride out the teen years. It is backed by Better Homes and Gardens and covers everything teen. Puberty, appetite, growing bodies, parenting, teen proofing your marriage and then an A-to-Z Problems and Solutions section which covers Acne, ADHD, alcohol and drug use, body piercing, tattooing and branding, dating and sexuality, depression, eating disorders, employment, fan clubs and hero worship, grief, headaches, low self-esteem, mono, overweight, PMS, sibling rivalry, sleep, smoking, sports injuries, teasing and bullying and television. SO as you can see it covers everything except step-parenting. BUT you can adapt things as they fit your circumstances.
I would not hold it against her that she is a slob. I would teach her the correct way as it is all new to her. If she continues with the poor hygiene, now that's something different and then needs addressing. Your putting the dirty trash can in her bedroom to empty does not help the problem. It pisses her off, it pisses you off. She sees that it pisses you off and therefore makes no effort to curb the behavior. In fact, it would appear to feed it if you ask me. Oftentimes kids and particularly skids will do crap just because they know it annoys you. I would come from a caring approach and see how that works out. Good Luck.
PS: None of the books that I've mentioned above cover the "off-topic" subject mentioned above.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
But how to teach her when
They don't see any harm in being disgusting. Or sometimes she seems to believe she didn't do it. I can see her pick her nose, then put it in her mouth and honestly, she seems to think I made it up. I will say, "SD...I just stood here right in front of you and saw you do it."
SD will retort, "NO I didn't!"
What?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Sita
Your situation makes me scratch my head until I think the skin is missing from my scalp. OUCH! When I was saying teach her I was referring to the pads and menstruating stuff. Then if after being taught what is acceptable disposal and she continued with the laziness, THEN look for alternative methods.
Your situation is something of another color. In fact, your SD is downright exhausting. My heart breaks for you and having to endure such nonsense. I am appalled at the boogers on the wall and the gum on the windows. WHO does that? I think someone would be sending me cigarettes in the joint and I don't even smoke. OMG. The lies, get out of here. I HATE liars. My skids have been caught in lies, but nothing to that extent. However, I call them on it everytime. A lie is a lie no matter how insignificant it may seem. I want them to be accountable for their behavior and actions and if they have to lie about it, then surely they should not be doing it. No matter how much they lie about a situation, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. That is an issue that I deal with pretty frequently with BM. Well I used to deal with. Now I don't deal with her at all. SHe does not exist. I no longer speak or acknowledge her existence because no matter what I did, how nice I was, how many times I extended the olive branch, went out of my way, etc. She would ALWAYS take my actions and words and use them against me to the kids by outright lying. It got so bad that I would have to walk the kids back through the incident and ask them what did they SEE happen. I mean they could see something happen one way and KNOW that it happened that way, but the minute BM said that it occured differently, they would spew whatever she said happened even when they SAW otherwise with their own eyes. SO, now I just don't deal with her and if they feel the need to believe her when they KNOW otherwise well so be it. I'm too tired of fighting with nonsense and my only New Year's Resolution is that I will no longer defend my integrity to them. Afterall, I AM the one here raising them while my kid is an adult 2 states away in college. I will no longer justify myself to them or BM.
HUGS to you my dear. YOU are a strong person. The bitch in me would have been unleashed oh so long ago.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Thanks
I admire how you can stand so strong among the BS. I would need wader boots, DO need them plenty of times.
Oh- and that cigarette...man oh man. Could I ever go for one of those.
We need to schedule another retreat asap so I can have my "what happens at the SM retreat STAYS at the SM retreat" treats. Like Misty "lite as air replaces any hint of nicotine cigs." I never indulge in my real world life...but at the SM sanctuary...
SIGH.
Hmmm...we oughta open one of those. That name has a definite catchy ring to it!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Tried that!
Dear P,
What your saying is likely true about pissing her off, but I don't care anymore! She doens't care to piss me off and I'm tired of being the nice SM. I ask her nicely to do many things, simple nothing major and she ignores everything. Exam: wash your own dishes afterschool, flush the toilet, clean up your mess if you make it. I not a slave driver. She does nothing else. I clean everything; except her bedroom. My Boys don't have this problem. It's almost as though she does it on purpose to cause the turmoil between me and her dad. She's rude, no respect, smart mouth and she likes to ask me things only in front of her dad only to catch me off guard to her smart mouth disrepectful questions to get a reaction from me and to keep me from decking her! Not that I have ever touched her or would but sometimes I feel I could grab her and show her who's boss! I'm afraid one day she might just push me to the limit. I've tried beleive me. I have always been the loser. I'm sick of it. She is in control. This is wrong. She's jealous, insecure, only thinks of herself and has already asked what she gets when her dad dies (SD13)and what I get. Imagine!
The nice me is over! I've put up with her living here since 6 years old no 13. Now she's at her BM's and I don't want her to come back. I can't help it. She has made my life miserable and my marriage has suffered and still is suffering. It's to the point, I can't stand to even talk to her or look at her. Most of the time I just leave and spend the day doing the me day. As my oldest son (19)has said to me and me only, " she is the devil". I never used to be like this. I was always willing to work things out or communicate but I kept getting knock back down by her and BD. So to be honest, my respect for both is on it's last thread.
I appreciate everyone's comments. It's nice to know that I'm not psycho! I just need to talk and empty my garbage can.
They won't get the best of me because I fight back!
Witcheepoo
WOW!
In that case...I would be StepBitch. I lean toward coming from the loving approach. THEN when they still don't appreciate it I show them how I COULD be. I really don't have any problems after that. Maybe it is because I have a very strong personality. Not too many people want to go head to head or toe to toe with me. I am the most loyal, loving and giving person that you want to meet. If I'm in your corner you've got a good thing. BUT when crossed, let's just say that I'm a Scorpio. I know how to and have no problem with exacting my revenge. Then again, maybe all that says is that my mind is warped. I am like Bruce Banner... you don't want to see me or make me angry. The kids and BM have tried, but for the most part the kids realize that it is far easier to just do what is expected of me and shut me the hell up. BM - pfffffttt! Piss on her. I really am a genuinely nice person, but I do admit that I can have a very dark side. Sad but true. Hey, I'm honest with myself.![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
She is thirteen... of course
She is thirteen... of course she isn't doing it on purpose... Thats absolutly ridiculous.
It should be a given...
Same here.. Stepbrat started hers two months ago and the same thing..My BD went into their bathroom the other day and found a kotex face up on the bathroom floor for the world to see! A bunch of them left in the trash the same exact way and their wrappers ect all over the floor around the toilet and the trash can!! EWWWW!!!
I've been this kids sm since she was 4 and she has lived under my roof the entire time..BM is not in the picture..Trust me, I taught her all about her period, hygiene, and the whole 9 yards. Just the same as I taught my two BD's (older the step brat). Neither of my BD's EVER did anything so disgusting!
I did the same exact thing with putting the trash can in her room. My older daughter told her that if she ever found one of her "rags" like that again she would glue it to Stepbrats forehead!! NO ONE wants to see that or have a guest walk in on that!! How disgusting and embarrassing!!!
Honestly, I think she does it just due to the fact that she is a LAZY SLOB and doesn't care about or have respect for anyone else!!! Trust me, if some of her friends or a boy she liked from school were dropping by..You can bet she wouldn't have left "that" on the bathroom floor or the wrappers all over the place!
I can understand what some have said about "teaching" them about their periods and such. But come on now...If they are old enough to start their period, they are old enough to know that you don't leave them face up on the bath room floor or in the trash can!!I don't think that should have to be taught to any kid that is old enough to have their period...That should be a "given" at that age...
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted
Disgusted
Lol! I just noticed your picture. Thanks for the chuckle.
Teaching
Come on! I was in 7th grade. No-one ever taught me. My mother wasn't around then. It's common sense! It's caring! I cleaned house, washed dishes, washed laundry for me and my dad. Yeah, I had older sister's but they were to busy with their own lives and boy friends.
Anyway, I posted instructions/educational material on the computer for her to read next time she is over. She's so nosy, she will find it....lol!
Oh! I will say when she started her period, she couldn't wait to tell me when I came in from work.
This is what she said. Hey, how often do you change your pads. I said why, did you start your period? She said, yes (all this in front of her dad). I said, well hasn't your BM talked to you about this stuff? She said no. I said you need to call her. The End.
Witcheepoo
You bring up an excellent point
No one "taught" me everything regarding hygiene. I watched tv, I talked to my friends, and on somethings, I just figured it out on my own. My mom only ever made sure I knew not to flush tampons/pads/applicators b/c it would wreak havoc on our plumbing. She said once, "just wrap them up and throw them in the trash."
ONCE.
I didn't throw wrappers from hygiene products all over my room, or stuff them in drawers...I didn't leave food or glasses in my room. I didn't even have to be told not to EAT in my room. I didn't feel your bedroom was a place to eat food. Maybe candy (we were allowed to have our Easter baskets in our rooms but we went through them in a week or two anyway.) I have to tell my kids no food in the room, throw trash in the TRASH can, etc. My kids stuff their dirty socks in cushions, under furniture. When I first moved in SD would leave her socks out in the YARD for days til I saw them. All the time. She still does occasionally if she goes out with them on. And they go outside in JUST socks, to play. They refuse to wear weather appropriate clothing without being told.
Things my mom never had to tell me.
Maybe that should be my next essay on my blogger blog.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
why do i have a feeling
that i will be looking forward to reading this in a few days (or weeks!) on blogger???!! lol!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Boy oh boy
You are making my SD BM look better and better everyday!! And that is hard to do!! My SD9's BM gets very angry if myself or my H does/says anything about puberty, or anything BM's usually talk about with their daughters. BM constantly thinks I am trying to take her place as mother (not even close, I totally aviod this child). When SD asked about getting her period in the future I said "talk to your mom, she has been waiting to talk to you about this. It is your mothers place,she will be angry if I talk to you about it" She asked her BM the next week and came back with a good understanding (and she held somethings back--which is good for a 9 year old).
I think it is embarrassing for little girls, and certainly if the BMs don't explain it to them. Take it easy on them SD, this is normal kid stuff.
I could write a book on SD18's nastiness
Yep, we've gone round and round about the disgusting napkin thing for 5 years. My husband at first was mortified that she would leave them piled in the garbage can, unwrapped, and let them sit for days there. He asked me to talk to her because he was so embarassed. I did, but to no avail. You think she would be more considerate cuz of her dad. Five years later, same story.
That's not the only thing she was nasty about. She never cleaned her toilet (gross gross gross) and her room was a breeding ground for all kinds of germs. She stacked dirty dishes and glasses in her drawers (even though food is not allowed in the bedrooms) and completely ruined every area in the house she touched. She is also unclean about herself.
I got tired of harping and booted her out a week ago. My house is now clean and will stay that way!
She sounds like my SD
Like I've said a million times, we had MICE when I moved in. I have had ONE mouse in my life before that, and he never got into my food supply. It was disgusting. For a few weeks I thought all the ripped into wrappers in the pantry were from SD not throwing away things. So I decide to clean out all their food, and tidy up since it was now my kitchen too.
I pull out a bulk box of chewy granola bars (why DH and SD shopped at Sam's Wholesale buying BULK sizes for 2 people I will never know.) Anyway, I discovered chewed on granola bars, still suspecting SD, til I see mouse TURDS in the box. I start taking everything out of the pantry and had to throw it ALL away b/c the mice had pooped everywhere. DH is so lucky that they didn't get sick! (or we by then- my SONS were eating out of that granola box!) There were mice turds on every level in every room in every nook and cranny. Nothing I noticed before I lived there, just after moving in and cleaning.
DH said, "Yeah, that's why I got the cat, because we have those woods behind the house we got mice."
No. You get MICE because you leave them stashes of half eaten food throughout your HOUSE.
GROSS.
SD doesn't know how to clean anything properly, and unlike the boys who will let me show them til they know how to do it, she will throw a tantrum if I try to show her. She will spray the bathroom counter, wipe it off, sweep the floor and mop it, but thinks the actions of sweeping, wiping, mopping mean it's clean. In other words, there are still hairs, toothpastes, everywhere after she's "done." So she basically just moves the dirt around a minute and yells "I'm DONE!"
Then tells me I'm too picky.
It's the same with dishes when our dishwasher was broken. Run water over silverware, and not even use a dishcloth or check that the food was off. I would end up having to re-do everything and that peeves me more than if I just did it all.
Of course...this is not just a SM's dreary tale.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
God Bless You Sita!
I have a 12 year old that can clean the bathroom and have it pass the white glove inspection. Has done so since about the age of 9. In the beginning he would half ass clean, but then I would check behind him EVERY time. WHen it was not cleaned properly, I made him do it over and over and over. I figure as long as he didn't mind doing it over I didn't mind making him. He finally caught on and figured to just do it correctly the first time to shut me the hell up and be done with it.
It's the same with my dishes. I have a dishwasher, but need a new one. Since I do not want to replace it until I remodel my kitchen, we do not have nor use a dishwasher. PERIOD. We have been in our home for 5+ years with NO dishwasher. GASP! LOL. I have remodeled everywhere else in the home and and holding out until I can get it the way I WANT it with all of my bells and whistles.
So, in the meantime EVERYONE has to do the dishes the old fashioned way, by hand. They will slop over them, not use detergent, use cold water, etc. Well guess what? That gets inspected too. I don't go behind them and do it. I show them how to make nice sudsy HOT water, let the dishes pre-soak for a minute and then get to work. If I should go in the kitchen and find a dirty plate, pan, utensil, cup or whatever, I don't get mad anymore. NOPE. I throw it in the sink to be re-washed. But then that usually prompts me to check ALL of the plates or spoons or whatever was not acceptable. Everything that is dirty gets to be re-done. They absolutely HATE when I do that. Ask me if I care. It has taught them to do it right the first time. Very rarely now do I have to ask or tell anyone to do their chores or to re-do a chore because they slopped over it the first time. In a battle of wills they know that I am more stubborn and usually win out in the end. I refuse to do the work that they are supposed to do because of laziness.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Witchypoo, I'm concerned
Witchypoo,
I'm concerned that your SD specifically asked YOU for input about her period and you referred her to her mother. Maybe she tried discussing it with her mother and the experience was not helpful. She was reaching out, asking you for help, and you refused to help her. I think if I had experienced that with my step-parent OR bio-parent, I might retaliate by being a disgusting slob and leaving my filth in their faces too. I'm not trying to be bitchy here, but you have to remember that she's a kid, and getting your period is a LIFE-ALTERING experience. She reached out to you, and you weren't there. What more do you expect of her?
And in case anyone wants to accuse me of being a BM, I'm not. I have no kids of my own and two step-kids. SD asked me how babies were made the other day, and she has asked for help in losing her baby teeth. I asked her if her mom had ever discussed it with her and she said her mom thinks it's gross. Who else is SD going to talk to if not me?
Dear Concerned
Only in the perfect world. Yes, but if you only knew how the manipulator SD worked. All the BS she has caused me. No! She was making a point to let me know she had started her period because since she was (5) she has always wanted to be grown up. That's probably normal..... She wore her pads way before she ever started and played with them. She acts as though she wants to play my role with her BD. Where did she get the pads and pons??? Her BM. She made it a point to ask me in front of her BD as she always does to make me feel trapped or on the spot. So I blew her off! Yep! I know I did and see if I care. I've washed my hands of her because of her sneaky little lies, story teller she is and I just plain refuse to give her any of my energy. She has a Mom and it is her Mom's responsibilty. Her BM is an idiot and every few months it's a new live in boyfreind. BM's with this one now for maybe a year, but she's going to school because she quit a $55,000 job to become a massage therapist because the job was to hard on her hands and shoulders. LOL! For Real Ladies!
So she has to have someone keep her up until she decides to move on to the next or take him for a few thousand.
It's sad and immature you might think of me, but I get no support from DH (is this Dearest Husband)? and he's part of the BIG problem. I'm unhappy, I'm angry and my marriage sucks because of her. I have had to deal with BM and my DH's BM over her. There's three women and one man against me. I can't win!
I appreciate your open mindedness, but I have exhausted being of any support towards her. She blew it and it's her fault and not mine.
Witcheepoo
I feel for you, Witcheepoo...
I can understand why you feel the way you do. It's so easy for people to judge & think you're being a terrible person for reacting the way you did. That's why I said in my other post that I don't know the situation, but I'm sure you have very good reasons for feeling the way you feel. People don't understand the brainwashing that goes on from BM, they don't understand the hold she has on the kids. We also don't always know what BM says to the kids about US. Or know half of the insane things BM does to or around the kids in her unstable life. All of these things impact the way the stepkids treat us. It makes me laugh when people say "they're only kids" when you tell them something questionable that the kids did. Like kids never do anything sneaky. Or lie. Or lash out. Or use the divorce as a guilt trip. Yeah, right!
It's human nature to go with whatever works in order to get what you want. Kids learn this at an early age. For pete's sake, animals learn this! (I don't know why I'm saying for pete's sake because I still think animals are smarter than most people!) So if a kid has a way of always getting what he/she wants & someone comes along that doesn't play by their rules, of course they're going to lash out at that person. It's called being spoiled. If one or both parents cater to their kid's every desire, whim, obsession, whatever...that kid is going to grow up expecting everything to fall into his or her lap, or to always be the center of attention. This is a huge mistake. It sounds like BM treated your SD this way. Why else would she be obsessed with menstruating like that? I mean, wearing pads before it even started? Maybe if she felt like it was about to start soon & she was worried about it, but to "play" like that? That's weird.
I'm sorry that your marriage is so awful because of SD (and/or BM). I can't tell you how many times I thought about leaving my husband just to escape BM's insanity. But then I always pictured him either dealing with this himself or simply going back to going along with BM's demands, and I couldn't let that happen! Plus, I can't imagine being with anyone else. I don't want to let BM ruin that.
Support from DH
It makes a HUGE difference when the Spouse supports the Spouse!So if there are any men out there, heed my words or vice versa.
No one taught me this either
My mom was great but she never talked about this kind of thing either. I don't think it is some bonding moment, that is what school health education is for.
I thought even then that it is trash and that it belonged, wrapped up, in the trash can.? just common sense, even to a teen! I think they are just trying to get attention, and it is gross!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I think that
"I think they are just trying to get attention, and it is gross!!"
Honestly, I think with my SD and a lot of today's teens think-
If it isn't FUN or doesn't get me something I ain't gonna bother. If it's monotonous, or boring, or takes too much effort and is something not on my list of favorite activities, then it's dumb. And it's dumb of you to correct me. You need a life SM, if you are so concerned with my hygiene, nasty underwear, etc. OTHER parents DON'T care.
Unfortunately on that last one they seem to be right. I sometimes feel that step parents are the only parents who think it's important for teens to have manners, and do anything that isn't the most fun in the world. At least the ones on here.
The problem is they start to convince you that there is something wrong with you. And if you say, "I just knew I was supposed to do that- it's just common courtesy combined with common sense"
LOOK OUT!
They will really let you know how stupid you were as a teen and how you are so out of touch with how "LIFE IS" is these.
That one's kinda funny. I mean I grew up when we thought that nuclear war would end our lives. At least I remember the cold war that way. It made most of us more serious. Before our generation it was kids opposed to their friends being forced to go to Nam to die at 18. The kids today remember 9/11, and we are still at war. But it's more like it's just normal to them or something.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra