Has anyone ever told off the BM?
I am so tired of this woman trying to screw over my fiance and using the children (FSS18, FSD16, FSD15, FSS13) to manipulate him because "you're leaving mom out in the cold". He paid her $4200 a month for the first 2 years and now pays $2450 a month (it has almost been 4 years). $650 of that is alimony, which is laughable because SHE kissed another man when they were married and was dating her current on/off affair partner a week after my Fiance moved out before any legal papers were filed, although they were "good friends" for at least six months prior to that. He shouldn't have to pay the alimony except that she was a "Stay-at-home, homeschooling mom" with no education whatsoever. He agreed to it in mediation because he felt sorry for her.
The last straw for me was when he refused to sign a modification for her second mortgage that would only save her $100 a month after he had already signed the modification on her first mortgage that will give her a 2% interest rate and extended the loan to 35 years (thus taking away the incentive to EVER get this house out of his name). The first mortgage was in serious trouble and she was 6k in the hole on it because she paid the lower amount starting when she filed the mod without waiting for approval. So she has also ruined his credit. So all of this happens and she decides to call his Commander (He is a Captain in the Air Force)and mess with his career. This was Friday.
I then send her an email saying that she is a psycho B*&^h ex and needs to stop money grubbing and GET A JOB, and laid out some other things that were victories for him that she didn't know about, told her that she needed to quit manipulating him etc... I used like 6 swear words in the email. I then get a text from FSS18 saying "F@#K YOU" and calling me a slut, which is funny because HIS MOM is the cheater and my ex had a 3 year affair with his secretary. I am not even remotely a slut. As a response to the email, BM's mom also sent me some nasty texts and an email telling me off. Her email was a direct character attack and told me that her grandkids hate me and don't want me as their Stepmom, whereas mine was a "Get off your butt and stop trying to ruin his life). Two nights later FSS13 was in ICU and we had to drive 6 hours there. BM said that if I came in his hospital room she would call security. She is also threatening to get a restraining order against me for my "abusive" email. Although my Fiance's lawyer informed us that she cannot do either of those things, I still didn't go to the hospital, although I did pick the girls up at school 2 days in a row and hung out with them. (She is lying about her address to the school so her kids can go to a different school, so the normal ordeal to get them home is like an hour and a half)
Well now, a couple of the kids have gotten involved and are pushing my fiancee to sign the second mortgage modification. He has promised me that he will not sign anything else for her committing him to years on her loans... He has done the right thing and refinanced the home that he owns to get her name off. After all of this, I still feel like all I was doing is sticking up for my Fiance. I regret the cuss words and even sent her an apology email also suggesting ways that she can stay at home and make extra money (she and I actually used to be friends, so it isn't as condescending as it sounds). I have told my Fiance that if he breaks his promise and signs the document, I cannot stay with him. The way that I see it, marriage is also a promise. How could I expect him to keep that promise if he won't keep such a small one? I guess I am asking if I am the one wrong here?
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Yes - You should not have
Yes - You should not have contacted her in such a manner. I have had the BM from hell and only have spoken to her a few times in 5 years. I did send a letter off to her and that had a trickle down effect with a CO modification. I only did it when she involved my child in her lies and manipulation. I don't regret doing it. I never swore at her, but I did call her out on several things. Now it is in the court docs. I have had several read it and they feel it is all factual. But, she doesn't see it that way.
As for her actions, you need to have your fiance handle all communication with her. Your life will be easier if you do. Just take a breath and stay away from her. As for the house, your DH created that mess, he needs to deal with it. The kids and her mom, may not come around on you for several years. They are loyal to their mom. My sisters have never accepted my SM. She has been married to my dad now for 16 years. You may get a few to like you, great. Just accept that they will see you as the "other woman" even if you aren't.
You are not wrong on making him promise, but I would take it a step further and tell him he needs to find a way to not be financially tied to her. You can't stop the CS, but you can stop the rest of it.
Yeah, but that is easier said
Yeah, but that is easier said than done. Thank you for the advice
I challenge you on the BM from hell title however, it is definitely already taken!
I don't think your wrong at
I don't think your wrong at all. If your husband does sign the papers, knowing your going to leave in advance, I would really think about leaving. It does come down too if you really wanna do it. If he signs you will never be rid of BM. Not that you will be rid of her anyway b/c of the kids, but now it's a legal/contract issue and he's on it with her. There is no more him and her so if he rides out the contract he has now then he will be done. If he signs it again, then that will still be more of a reason for her to call him and stay in both of your lives even longer. Kids grow up and they move out and you don't have to deal with her that way, but after they are gone, if he signs, she will still be there.
You shouldn't have apologized though. It sounds like you were being the bigger person, but you meant it. You said it b/c you meant it and even though it might've been a bit harsh after you thought about it, it's true.
I have also told BM off and it felt gooodddddddddddddd. I did it face to face, but it also ended in a fight, which I don't regret either. DW's and SO's can only take so much crap from a BM and it's like "im going to attack REAL soon". And I did
THE Wifey... Very few people
THE Wifey... Very few people can relate to that kind of child support....I absolutely can. We paid about $3,500 a month for the first six months. Then $2,700 a month for years even though we had the kids almost 50% of the time. It was insane.
We got custody a few years ago, so the gravy train finally ended. But we did pay her $1,000 a month for six months after we got custody. She didn't see the kids one time in those six months. It was basically "hush money". She said she needed time to get her finances in order. They had been divorced well over ten years.
She sees the kids maybe twice a year for a week or so now. That's it. Once the money stopped, she didn't really want them anymore. They were nothing but a meal ticket to her.
I totally understand your frustration.
Once I sent BM a copy of a
Once I sent BM a copy of a list of PAS behaviors. She brought this up the next time we went to court that I was harassing her by doing this.
Note, I did not write anything at all, just sent the list. The very next month the neutral pickup/dropoff place that we were using sent out a newsletter with the EXACT SAME LIST that I had sent BM. I asked my DH if he thought that BM thought that place was harassing her too!!
The only thing that happened as a result of what I did was, for a little while, my name was specifically mentioned in the "no contact" paragraph that we had put in there. The next time she took us to court, we had it amended to "any third party."
Personally, if someone sent me that list with no note or anything, I would not consider it harassment because I AM NOT INDULGING IN PASing BEHAVIOR!
No, I understand and am not
No, I understand and am not offended. Some people are talking about custody and court documents. None of that applies here because the kids are all old enough to decide where they want to live. There isn't even a "custody" agreement except that he has to pay her a ridiculous amount of money.
I have not told BM off,
I have not told BM off, though I should and will someday undoubtly...;-)
I have however, told her via text that she "lost her mind", "she was hilarious", and in conversation I have told her in a sweet underhand way that she should focus more on her kids than herself.
We have a love-hate relationship and it's most hate, but I tolerate her as best as I can. There have been times when I really just want to kick the crap out of her...but what would that prove? That I am stronger...well I already know that! That I am smarter, well I already know that! It wouldn't prove a thing, just that I took myself down way down to her level. I refuse to do that.
BM is NOW quoting my text messages, modifying them and make her her own...what do they say? Imitation is a form of flattery!!! LMAO!!!
Don't let stupid bother you...
No, I never have but try not
No, I never have but try not to be too hard on yourself. At least you spoke your piece. It could have been done in a more productive manner but its too late now. BM treats me like that and I have never done one little thing to her. If I knew she was going to treat me like crap regardless of how kind I was to her, I probably would have went ahead and told her off
I sent BM and her soon to be
I sent BM and her soon to be divorced husband an email not very long ago. She sent me some nasty text messages, and attacked my children, so let's just say I outed her crazy ass to her husband when I cc'ed him on the email. I also made reference to SD's Formspring account where she detailed having sex, her Facebook where she was claiming to be 19(she was 13 at the time), and a whole lot of other things that she, as a MOTHER, should have known was going on in her household. I also used a lot of big words, so she is probably still looking them up in the dictionary. She would be a fool to use it in court. I alluded to her "supposed" drug use, without directly accusing her. I told her I was "concerned" about the rumors that she was cheating on her husband, doing drugs, and letting SD act inappropriately, and how it would affect SD's mental health. I hope she tries to use it. It would allow me to be a party to the proceedings, and then I can show all the texts she sent me. She will NOT come out looking good, I promise you. She did shut the hell up, though. Not a peep for 2-3 months now.
Again, I remind people that
Again, I remind people that the BM and I were friends at one time. It is a lot easier to get sucked into sending e-mails to someone when that is what you have been doing all along. And he was beside himself. He was unable to even defend himself as her actions were unfathomable. In the future I will not be speaking to her at all, though.
That is my thinking. I
That is my thinking. I TOTALLY agree with you. I no longer want them to have ammo against me or to be able to point the finger at me.
I told BM off many years ago,
I told BM off many years ago, 13 years ago actually! I gatecrashed a meeting between her and DH which I had urged him to set up in order to set out boundaries to help protect our relationship and to ask her to keep to only skid-related issues, basically to put her in her place! Anyway, I decided last minute that I would also join in and gave her a few home truths. I would say that I behaved in a rather undignified manner that evening (so did she), but the end result was worth it. DH stopped all communication with her from that point in time onwards - he apparently saw her "true colours" that evening. On top of that, SD20+ told DH a few years later that she wouldn't like to get into an argument with me - maybe that was also a benefit. We never have, but she has been passive aggressive. I don't believe, however, it's the way to go. I can still feel embarrassed thinking back on the way I behaved that evening - we never apologised to each other - we never had any contact after that and we didn't really have much contact before that either - we both dealt a few low blows. The skids' loyalty binds (read about them in Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin), means that they would only see things from BM's perspective and you may even be further maligned by them. It also just shows the DH up to be weak - having his SO speak for him. The bottom line is - as a SM you just can't win!
I have told off BM, through
I have told off BM, through SD19, who her mom was using as a mouthpiece. It blew up but eventually made things slightly better. You know, finally defending yourself after years of lies told about you.
BM is no longer under the illusion I am some putz she just needs to sell on her version of things, and SD learned, if she mistreats DH, SD will hear about it from me.
I hate that it came to that, but they both learned to back off unless they wanted it back times ten. Now supposedly everything is 'good' between us, really they just switched to passive aggressive tactics to avoid a repeat IMO!
I would not worry since it is already done, but just try not to do it again. Ignore the kids if you can, although depending on how old they are, they may need clarification also.
Thank you, everyone for your
Thank you, everyone for your comments. I was sort of starting to feel like a leper here. It is depressing that this woman has so much control over all of this. I was actually starting to question my Fiance's judgment in picking her as a wife in the first place, but then I was reminded that he was a young Christian man, and she was knocked up. I am okay now, I think.
I've sent an email to the BM,
I've sent an email to the BM, not nasty but just pointing out a few things to her as I was fed up with her crap. I was generally very nice, right up until the last line where I said "Now go F&^K yourself"
That was months ago and we are still feeling the repercussions. Which astounds me, as she can say what she likes about me, call me names etc, but I am not allowed to defend myself? What really made me angry is that she spoke to my husband about it and he told her that he'd spoken to me and dealt with it (as in he's told me off for it so she could stop going on about it!) Yet he never defends me.................Sigh
That would piss me off too.
That would piss me off too. I understand why FDH is scared to put anything in e-mails to her. She just goes and shows his kids. I actually apologized for my e-mail. Do you think she will ever apologize for threatening me with police or restraining orders? Do you think her mom will ever apologize for the insulting e-mail she sent me? Yet, she can say that I am an "uncouth brat with no class". No, f&%ktard... YOU have no class. At least I know how to admit when I am wrong. This idiot, with all of her fundamentalist Christianity can insult me all day in Christianese, but when I say it like it is, I am "abusive". Screw you! Where was Jesus when you were cheating on your husband? Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian, just not a "holier than thou" Christian. I think you are allowed to defend yourself, but why bother? Double sigh.....