Questioning Myself
I am writing because I feel horrible about how I am feeling towards my s/d. First of all we have not seen her in three years because her mom would get angry with her and her dad everytime she would visit us on weekends. So she chose to stop visiting and strangely enough we had to except it for her sake. Well her mom was unexpectedly killed in a motorcycle accident. Now s/d lives with us and is going to a new school. All of this is hard for her and she has been amazingly strong through this. Her dad and I wanted to make her feel at home so we had her pick out new furniture, shopped for school clothes and got her into overdue braces. No problems on my part she really needed and we wanted to make her home her space. The issues I am dealing with is everychance she gets she makes digs at her dad, the kinda digs that I am sure were acceptable in her mother's home. I correct her evertime she makes rude comments about her dad or her half siblings. However her dad does not correct her when she makes digs at me. He usually says he didn't hear it or she is only fourteen. I want to choke him when he says she is only fourteen! ALl the more reason to correct her. When I am the only person correcting I appear to be the "bad guy". S/d also tells me when we are alone that she has her dad right where she wants him. I tell her that she needs to appreciate her dad and not take advantage of him. She blows me off like whatever. I do not want to be around her and all ever do is be around her because dad works at home or out of house quite a bit. It seems like all I do is tell my husband about all the wrong things his daughter does and I can't stand hearing myself talk. My husband looks defeated and I just want to run away! Help!
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Sometimes we push away the
Sometimes we push away the ones that love us the most. Sometimes we deliberately hurt the ones we love the most. Is your SD in therapy? She has had to deal with a lot at her age. Is she testing your love for her? Does she think that if she treats you guys horribly but you are still there for her, that you won't abandon her? Maybe that is her fear, and that is what drives her to behave the way she does.
How long has she been living with you? I know that in my home, it takes a few hours to recondition the kids when they've been at their mothers for the weekend, and practically the whole weekend if they've been with her for a week. She needs counseling and time, and firm but gentle love.
Thanx
Yes she is in counseling. She has lived with us two months now. We have had her 23 yr old brother and his wife and baby over for the weekend so she can continue a relationship with her mothers boys.
Maybe SD, on top of what she's feeling
about her mom's passing, feels that she wishes DH had fought to keep seeing her, even if it meant fighting her? That and/or she's realizing that she wishes she hadn't stopped visiting. Perhaps she feels that DH doesn't love her as much as he loves the other kids, as he didn't see her for three years (even though she was the one who wanted to stop visiting).
I feel for all of you and please consider getting her some intense therapy, if you haven't done so already. Maybe you could all benefit from family therapy as well. It's a lot for her: she's probably feeling a ton of things about her dad, mom, you and her siblings. It's additionally tough on her because she hasn't seen you, her dad, or your kids in 3 years.
Oh hon, it's only been two
Oh hon, it's only been two months. Even without her loss, it'll be a huge adjustment for her to go from one home to the other, especially if it has been three years since her last visit. Add to that the loss of her mother, and two months isn't very long at all. Obviously she should have rules and help out around the house, and be respectful, but try not to be too pushy. Don't overload her with too many expectations right now. Give her a little more time to learn the new family dynamic. But, be careful that you don't let her use it as a crutch either, or as a reason for her behavior.
Thanks
Things are much better these days. I sat my husband down told what I see happening in the house and how things have to start to change or we are all going to be miserable. He was defenssive at first but also realized that we would not be doing our daughter any favors by letting her continue with her behavior. So we sat her down and made it clear to her that she is the "child" we are the adults, boudries, etc.... It actually went well. She is a great kid and we want her to be happy and healthy. Her dad and I point out to her when her digs go to far and we also realize that that habbit is from yeaars of acceptance in her mother's home, so it will take a while. She tells us she is happier then she thought she would be (she also told her therapist)and does like her new school and friends. That is a huge relief for us. She is very clingy with me but I think she just needs that security for now. I love her and I also tell her that I need to know from her if we are holding up our end of parenting (within reason). Thanks for listening.