I lost my mother and sister in a car accident when I was fourteen. That left my father and myself. My father remarried a woman 13 years younger than him - who he adored. They had a son when I was 19. Throughout this time I was left alone alot. My stepmother had no maternal feelings towards me. Who wants some teenager hanging around? She was never openly rude, just disinterested. She married the man, not the family and that's what she wanted to focus on.
I moved out when I was 18. My father loved me but I didn't feel as though I belonged in this new family.

Fast forward a few years and I fell in love with a man 13 years my senior with a young daughter. His wife had recently died of cancer. History repeating. The young girl of 7 is now going to turn 21. I had two girls of my own who adore their older sister. It has been very tough. But I can trully say that I have seen (and experienced) both sides of the equation.

There are plenty of things that stepchildren share with their stepparent. A sense of isolation. Wanting to be 'normal'. Neither really asked for the other in their life. When you become a step parent you have no idea what it is you are taking on. As a step child you just battle through from day to day. You are aware that the step parent cannot love you in the same way they love their spouse or children of their own. It really hurts. But their is no solution to that.

What I have learnt from my experience is to try and concentrate on the fact that my father loves me. My stepmother is not a bad person, but her relationship is with my father. Of course this has got easier as I became independent. There are times when I still feel very hurt. But I realise that we are all doing the best we can.

As for being a stepmother. The hardest job in the world. The guilt is the killer. Everytime I feel any ill-will towards my stepdaughter I feel terrible. The advice I have is to be kind on yourself. Recognise that it is tough. Have solid support from your partner (mine has been unwavering). The other way that I look at it is that it is an honour. You are sharing a life, and moulding a young person. It is a great responsibility. Of course, when your cleaning up their mess it is hard to keep this top of mind! But just do your best. Accept that there is not easy way. It is just day by day. I have always been honest with my stepdaughter about how difficult it can be at times for both of us. On a positive note, she is a fantastic person and I feel that I can have some pride in that. We don't get on all the time. She has her grief about the loss of her mother as have I. Letting go some of the anger is a starting point. Seeing this as an opportunity is key.

Finally, accepting that you cannot possibly feel the same way as about your step child as you do your own. Every time I make a decision about my stepdaughter I have to think twice, it doesn't come as easily. Sometimes I really resent the responsibility. Once I acknowledge that I can let some of the burden go.