Continued bio mama drama!
So can anyone tell me why my stepdaughter would not tell us her mother is clearly 6 months preggo!? We've straight up asked because she looks 9 months pregnant already and has gotten huge and yet my stepdaughter continues to say she's not pregnant. I have a friend on FB that is her friend so I've seen her post with the ultrasound name and due date and we've seen her. She hasn't said anything and neither has SD. Two years ago she didn't tell us she got married to this guy and told SD not to tell us. What's the deal? She repeatedly sends messages to her mom daily when she's with us complaining she's bored and lonely and that our 3 year old gets everything which she does not. She cries a lot and I let her until she acts right. She's even told her mom she doesn't have any shorts at my house which she does. I know she's doing this for attention but why? And anytime we confront her she just cries and wants to go home. Please help
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BM has no obligation to tell
BM has no obligation to tell you if she's pregnant or remarried. She has a right to her own personal life, and she can decide who finds out what and when.
As for the crying and boredom, your DH needs to stop letting BM contact SD so much while visiting. That's only going to feed into the drama. Take the phone and limit calls. When SD doesn't have the constant attention from BM, she'll get over it.
Why do you care if BM is
Why do you care if BM is prego? Her life, her business. The crying and attention seeking, ignore her.
We don’t care
We don't care. We would like to be supportive. She has always been very spoiled by the other family and we know this is a huge change. She's the only grandchild on that side and BM sister doesn't want kids. So we know how this may impact her because she has always complained she wanted to be an only child again to have all the attention. Her exact words. We just don't want her to feel out of place and we'd like to support her and help her through this transition anyway we can. But BM make it hard when she's been told to lie to us in the past and that's not the only thing she's been told to lie about. It's not healthy and we'd like some insight on how to handle this since BM is no help at all and just encourages this behavior.
Parallel parenting. What BM
Parallel parenting. What BM allows on her time is her business. How you all parent on your time is yours.
If SD is being told to lie about things that happen at BM's house that aren't related to SD's health and safety (which I'd draw that line at where you'd need to involve CPS or police), then don't pry into those things. If SD lies about something not related to BM, there are consequences.
It's entirely reasonable and possible for kids to follow two sets of rules. They do it with school, home, daycare, grandma's house, their friend's house, etc. Your home can offer support, different rules, different philosophies, etc and SD can adapt so long as she is reminded that what happens at your house doesn't have to follow what happens at BM's house.
My DH and his XW have very different ways of approaching things and different sets of values/what is acceptable. My SSs have learned those differences and act accordingly. My DH rarely, if ever, runs anything by BM before doing it. If it's on his time, he does it. If it's on her time, she does it.
Co-parenting only works when both parents are on the same page or agree to meet on the same page. It doesn't sound like your BM wants to do that, so look into parallel parenting. If your DH has medical rights, he can also take SD to therapy to work through her issues related to being an only child. It may upset BM, but he has to do what is best for SD.
Kids say the darndest things,
Kids say the darndest things, you never know if when her sibling arrives she actually falls in love and embraces being a big sister. I wouldn't spend too much time wondering why the BM doesn't want her to say anything. If you want to support her in her journey, they sell many childrens books to prepare them for a new sibling. Buy her one.
But…
None of them know we know. Lol we've been waiting to see when they would say something. And she's 6 months pregnant now. You think she would be excited and want to tell us about her little sibling coming.
At some point - she will say
At some point - she will say she has a sibling. At that point, you can support her. Buy the book, have it ready for her. You may just be imagining that she's stressed about it. OR you may have stressed her out by ASKING her. Kids always spill the beans sooner or later.
Does SD have anyone to play
Does SD have anyone to play with at your house? Maybe consider letting her bring a friend for the weekends.
Yes
Yes I have a 3 year old with her dad and another child from a previous relationship 2 years older than her and they get along a majority of the time and a few girl friends here in town. She lives an hour away from us
It's very common for BMs to
It's very common for BMs to tell skids not to tell the other parent about stuff like this.
We matter of factly told BM we were getting married, and having babies, not to rub it in, just as a heads up. BM got married and pregnant at the same times as us and told SD not to tell us, and lied about it. She had a destination wedding and kept calling it a vacation. She has a scheduled c section and just called it a medical procedure. We didn't care in the least bit but BM acted as though she had to hide this stuff because she was afraid of my husband or something. DH just congratulated her and asked her if She needed to adjust the custody schedule. She never congratulated or acknowledged our marriage or children.
I have to say it was pretty nice to see my husband not bothered at all by BM's big events. I really don't know why BM was so sneaky other than it's just her nature. Maybe it was More for her new husband so she could tell him that her ex is crazy or something.
That’s what she does
She doesn't tell us anything. They live an hour in one direction and my husband works an hour in the other direction. And he worked there because they used to live there and then moved. So now he can't move his job and can't just jump up to go see her. We can't make it to school functions because of that and she won't tell us when anything is anyways. We have to constantly check the website to see what's happening. My husband doesn't care what she does but the lack of communication just isn't good for her. My sons dad is involved and I always text when school stuff is happening even if he can't go. We have very open communication. He even brought my son to the hospital to see his little sister when she was born because she came on his weekend. But her...none of that happens ever even if we ask. She argues about everything.
Word for word
What the Girhippo did. Made the ferals keep it a big secret that she was engaged and going to get married and then when they did it was a "vacation."
But then again she also made the ferals keep it a secret that she was going out of business in that her entrepreneurship failed.
Sounds like BM got the memo
Sounds like BM got the memo that once you are divorced the only real communication needed is about the child, good for her. However I can understand how it would be helpful if SD was allowed to talk to your DH about it since it would appear the new baby is causing her some issues and she's acting out about it at your house. DH might want to consult with a therapist of even look online on how to help SD deal with her emotions in a better way.
High bp
She's also had a lot of new recent issues with high blood pressure a 10 yr old should not have. Been to the er 3 times on the last month. It's obviously causing her stress. We could care less what they do that's their business but if is affecting her to keep secrets or adjust we would like to help her cope anyway she can. But no communication doesn't help a 10 yr old places in the middle of parents and told not to tell the other anything regardless of what it is. A kid should never feel obligated to keep secrets either. Makes us feel she is bothered by it. But all we want to do is help.
I think the therapy would be
I think the therapy would be beneficial only for the stress it's causing to not be able to talk freely about her situation at her home with moms. As to needing therapy for another child? NOPE, every kid on earth went through adjustments or you have some that didn't want a sibling, etc....we over 'therapy' our kids when something so basic in life requires continued therapy. They learn not to cope. Now, being tied into not being able to talk about it and having to lie, that could cause issues. I just wish sometimes parents would just talk more freely and act as their kids therapist instead of a total stranger that doesn't know jack ish about the kids history. Again, this comes from someone who find therapy useful in certain situations but it's also most certainly OVER 'prescribed' here in this country. It borders on absurd. Little Toby needs therapy because he's adjust to K5, or because they moved, or because a new sibling is coming, or because she prefers to wear pants, or because she misbehaves at times. Therapy is not the answer to everything, or most things- most of those things can be talked about with a parent, an aunt/uncle, grandparent or other trusted adult. IMO of course. Do you have any other trusted adults she may feel comfortable talking to? Maybe one of her friends parents also, or relatives? This could take the pressure off having to 'lie' or 'keep secrets' with dad and you since they aren't on the 'nono' list. Hope that makes sense.
What else has been causing the high BP so young, does she struggle with her weight? It could be as simple as that or bad diet/too much salt, lack of exercise. I would definitely address physical issues with the high BP-because having it at this age is a really big deal.
Weight
Her weight is definitely an issue. She's 10 and weighs 151. More than I do. And she's been known to sneak food in her room and binge eat. Yet when I told BM about it she said not to say anything because she's so sensitive and it would make her cry. But not addressing the issue isn't helping.
OK then, I recant my therapy
OK then, I recant my therapy position in this case then. That is horrifically bad for her little body and will cause LIFETIME issues. Your DH should get her to a Dr, nutritionist and therapy for those issues. It can affect her self-esteem, if she's very sensitive it can cause mental health/depression and continue the eating for comfort cycles. As she gets older she'll encounter the mean girls club for certain also- so yes...in this case I'd line up a good visit with her primary, therapist for eating disorder (binge eating/hiding food, etc) and a dietician/nutritionist for kids and get her on a good diet plan. I would not even tell BM but dont' tell her to omit or lie about it-as a parent he has every right and DUTY to ensure her well-being. He doesn't need BM's permission either.
I think you should stop
I think you should stop asking her questions about what is going on at her mom's house. It's really not your business if BM is pregnant and you can support SD once she is ready to tell you. Our BM constantly asks my SD questions about what happens at our house and it's so annoying. SD even makes up lies to make BM happy. Leave it alone.
None
We haven't asked her anything. We don't want her in the middle of her moms shenanigans. We never ask her what goes on over there. But shouldn't a child fee free to talk about changes? Is that not coping?
"We've straight up asked
This is what I was referring to. Your post says that you've straight up asked her. Yes, she should feel free to talk about changes. But you don't know what BM is saying to her or doing. So I wouldn't ask and would just let SD know whenever she wants to talk you're there for her.
Hubby did
Hubby did yesterday. When he saw her in the yard. That's the only time because it was obvious. Never just asked to be nosey. Sorry that wasn't clear.
On one hand, I agree that BM
On one hand, I agree that BM's business is her business. However, if it is affecting SD in a negative way AND she's being told to specifically withhold information or lie, that is not healthy. Especially if she wants to talk about it.
It sounds like you and your DH's interest is out of concern for SD, not to be nosy and up in BM's business. There's a difference.
Thank you
Yes we could care less what she does. We just would like an open communication with her. No lies or secrets. She should feel free to communicate about anything. Children cope by talking. It's the only way they know how. They talk and ask questions. So if she can't freely speak and ask questions either by influence or choice is there not an issue either way? Why hide something like this anyways?
Children cope by talking. It
Children cope by talking. It's the only way they know how. They talk and ask questions.
Agree, she shouldn't be made to feel like she can't talk to her own dad about something that is happening in her life.
Sad
Sadly this has become a norm and gotten worse over the last year. She has become more distant from us no matter how supportive we are. Her mother has done this since she married this guy whose in the military. Basically I heard SD once say they were a little family and her mom told her that's all she needed. She's always made her dad put to be the bad guy when she's done everything possible to make things impossible for us. Just hope it all changes for the better for her and all siblings involved.
It’s out
So we made a decision to send her a message that said congrats. We're happy SD is becoming a big sister again. We would like to be supportive in any way we can to make this transition easier for her. And that she wasn't the one that told us. We wanted to keep her out of the middle. When I congratulated her she appeared nervous at first and said she wasn't sure how she felt. Then spent 30 minutes venting and talking about it. She seemed more at ease. Her mom later called and we could hear her yelling how did they know to her? Just sad. You're obviously pregnant. Who cares. You came outside looking preggo and didn't think we were bright enough to notice. But she seems more at ease. And that's all we want for her. She was obviously told to intentionally not tell us anything. Not that we care but please don't make your daughter the middle man and then make her feel bad for what is just plain obvious.
Now you know why she didn't tell you.
Now you know why she didn't tell you. She knew if she did that BM would be upset with her - and she was right. Do everything you can not to put this child in the middle. She knows she will pay the price if she tells you anything that BM does not want you to know. She is in a "loyalty bind" and it is only going to get worse.
Supporting her anyway we can
I let her know this was exciting and we were happy for her. She was like meh. I told her she can come over whenever she needs a break or we would love to come drive the hour on a Friday or Saturday we don't have her provided her mom allows this and we can take her to dinner sometimes if she needs the quiet time. She's been a completely different kid this week and has talked to me more because she knows she doesn't have to hide. It's just silly her mom makes her do these things her calls her everyday morning and night to ask what she's doing at our house. I told her she's free to talk we have no secrets in our house unless it what we bought them for their birthday or Christmas! Just hate she has to deal with it all like this and hopefully things settle down and change for her. I know she's struggling but thankfully because she knows we don't care she's been more likely to talk about things. I kee her busy learning how to cook and make healthy meals lately. Keeps her mind going and hands busy. Away from all the nonsense.