In order to understand what I do, one must understand who I am.

I was born to a single young mother. She met her husband when I was three months old. When I was six months old, they married. He has been my dad since I can recall. We had troubles, but I respected him... hell, I idolized him. He was smart, funny and fair. He still is. He and I are more friends than dad and son these days and I thank G-d every day for him.

I had been through many relationships, starting from about fifteen years of age. I remember the hopeful feeling when my first girlfriend told me she missed her period. I was eighteen, we had been together for about three years (I didn't know real life at the time). When she miscarried six months later, I was devastated. We eventually parted ways.

Many years (and a few relationships) later, I was an excited father to be. We had everything: Chemistry, good jobs, a future. She took a trip to Mexico to 'see family' and came back without our child. She had opted to terminate the pregnancy and did not make me aware of the choice until it was over. I still mourn the loss of him. I still remember seeing his heart beat on the monitor.

Again, years fly by, relationships end, begin and end again. I meet my wife. She is amazing. She kept me alive during a severe case of anorexia. I still remember it, from 255 lbs at six feet... I wasted away. In six months of barely eating (mostly drinking tea and taking supplements), I was at 125 and skeletal. She and her daughter coached me back to life.

Oh, I didn't mention she has a daughter? Hmm, I should have.

For the sake of privacy, let us call her... Faith. Yes, that is a fitting name.

I met Faith when she was two years old. She and I bonded quickly. I was fun, she was fun. The wife was happy to see that we accepted eachother. There was only one problem and that takes us to another little story.

Her father. Younger than me, with a huge complex. Abandoned by his parents when he was about ten years old and raised by his sister. He fell into drugs and stupidity. He met my wife and she believed she could save him.
She ended up in his games. The drugs, the stupidity. When she found that she was expecting, she cleaned up. He did not. She left him for cheating on her and ended up in a home for expectant mothers. After Faith was born, she returned to him, but not the drugs. She thought it was best for little Faith.

After a long list of crazy things, she eventually left him for good when he hit her. She was not going to have her child in danger (Kudos for finally waking up).

He hated me. Now, I am not perfect. I had my stupid days in the past. I ended up in a car accident (passenger, not driving) and carry a bit of ptsd and acute anxiety because of it. I ended up on disability after I couldn't hold a job. It's a meager way of living, but it at least keeps food in my belly and a roof on my head. I went through a lot of counseling and meds and now live a fairly balanced life. I am not a danger to anyone. I only tell you this because it comes into play.

Now, Faith's Father was a wreck. Drinking and driving, the drugs, the fast women, the cheating. Wife decided to go for full custody with supervised visitation. She and I were together at this time so of course, he accused me of sexual abuse, physical abuse, criminal behavior... basically anything he could. Each time, the court would call me in and after my medical records were dredged up, my non-existent criminal records, my counselor, my third grade teacher... you know.. I was found innocent time and again.

I stuck through it all because of the love I had and have for the wife and for Faith.

She won by the way. Full custody, with supervised visitation at a local church.

He had his first visitation during Father's day that year (My suggestion, seriously). That was his last visitation. He skipped every week for a year. I'm sure he was messed up with drugs, but there is no proof of that. Well, there is proof, but only once. He died a year later. Morphine overdose via needle up the nose according to the documents.

That is when the issues began. Faith was six, I was basically her father figure for over four years. I remember holding her as she sobbed over him. That night was the first time I wished ill on him. He broke her heart and for that, I cannot forgive him. It broke her. She began lying more than a child should.
She began stealing, breaking rules and throwing tantrums like I had never seen.

We got her in counseling that week. I suggested it as pre-emptive. It only got worse. Two years of hell with her go by. Her mother and I married, Faith was part of the wedding. I promised that I'd always do my best for her, let her know that I loved her like my own and that I'd never treat her any other way.

Things got better for a short time. The counselling was working, we had our own place, we had problems, yes... but normal, no biggie issues. Then something broke. I did not know why. I know now.

Wife did not like punishing at all. It was left to me to step up. I do believe in rules. I do not spank. I ended up having to enforce rules. I ended up having to punish (time outs, etc). I had become the bad guy and our relationship (Faith and I) started dying. Later, after a HUGE blowout, Faith told me that it was my fault that her father died.

I was floored. My whole world broke. It took me weeks to get over it. Wife sat her down and with great love and patience, explained the whole story (leaving out the trauma inducing issues). Things got good, but I felt hollow. I had become a monster. She and I did not spend time together... her lies and fighting drove me off.
This rift spread to my wife and I. Things got to the point where I stayed out of the house until they were both asleep. I'll admit it, I was broken, I cried all the time.

Things adjusted, got better and better. Until about three months ago. The lying, hiding, stealing from me and everything began again. I feel lost, as she and I were mending the wound. Wife and I are working together finally, that relationship is rocking. I just feel broken again. I love both of the ladies with all of my heart, but I am very upset. I've tried everything over the years.

I wanted a child, until I met her. I had a child. I just have to have faith that Faith and I are able to be saved.

I want to apologize for the ramble. It's disjointed and probably does not flow well. If you made it here, thank you for having patience. I'm just lost, but I have hope, I have Faith?

Since this was written, I had a fairly long talk with both my wife and Faith. We have aired our issues and are all trying to work to a common goal: Stability in the house. It's going to be a fight, but my family is worth the struggle.

EDIT for clarification: The small book above was written a week ago, I hesitated to post it, mulled it over and decided it was worth putting up.

Thanks Hungry. I try to keep positive. Needless to say, being a member here has given me a large amount of perspective. My situation is cushy compared to some. Perhaps that is why I feel so naive at times.