Confession. Bitter pills sometimes make the best medicine.
I confess that I hold my SD9 to impossible standards.
As Buddha roughly said (paraphrased) "Suffering comes from desire".
I secretly desire her to be the child that I lost. I have this imaginary child in my head, perfect in every way. She is not like the child at all. She's not the worst kid, she's just not him.
With the beauty of perspective, I've realized I'm not as bad of when it comes to skids.
Yeah, we deal with lying, minor personal theft, etc. We also deal with a child that desperately wants me to approve of her. She wants me to take joy in her. She is conflicted, I know this.
Why cannot I see past the child I lost, the perfect imaginary child?
Why cannot I accept her as who she is?
Why cannot I get over myself?
Why cannot I have a button to push at any time and have fresh doughnuts appear in my hand?
I believe myself to be a spoiled brat, not by my parents, but by my own hand.
I think there is hope. I do. I need to realize where I am asking too much and find the proper amount.
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Comments
I don't have a child of my
I don't have a child of my own either. I think these are normal emotions to work through. Even though having a child was never on my life's to do list, I went through a period of mourning the child I never had with this new wonderful life partner I had just found (at the end of my reproductive years, no less). I don't regret not having a child. But I do feel resentment towards these little people who aren't mine, never will be mine, and who at best will tolerate me (never love me) and at worst, become the nightmares I have seen others on this site post about.
Is adoption on the table? I
Is adoption on the table? I mean adopting your own child, not dh's entitled brat. I have briefly considered my options And always come to the same conclusion: I don't think kids are for me really. I still wonder what it would have been like to share something like that with my best friend and partner.
Would you consider speaking
Would you consider speaking to a counselor?
I don't have any bios either. That bothered me for years. I wanted the SDs to be like my bios. Talking to a counselor reminded me that they're their own people and has helped me work through my many emotions.