How do people do this full time??
We are on day 3 of having skids for 3 weeks and I am over here thinking there's no f'ng way I'm going to make it through 3 wks.
After SD13 came to us with Covid, she's quarantined and not causing problems at least. But DH was complaining about SS16 all day yesterday (and SS is the golden child). He got 1 grade so far- an F on a quiz. He also didn't turn in his charger for his school computer last year, so DH is being charged $40, which he said "that little F*cker is paying for". lol. Complaints every day about SS leaving his bedroom door open (DH tells him to shut it occasionally, but he does it with a half-joking tone, so SS doesn't think he has to listen. If this were SD, DH would be yelling at her, and she would do it. But no- can't yell at SS!). Then last night SS gets home and I tell him I made chicken drumsticks, which I left on the counter for him. I specifically said, "I made chicken drumsticks for dinner- they are on the counter if you want them". I had also pre-made salmon for dinner tonight, which was cooling on the counter. I hear him heating up food and then he says, "this salmon is so good". I whip around and I'm like, what are you eating?? I said to eat the chicken, The salmon is for dinner tomorrow! He said, oh, I only took one bite. Gah, What part of CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS did you not understand???
Then I go upstairs and was in bed reading- at 11:50pm I open my door to let the cat out of our room and SS's room is right there- his door is wide open, lights on, and I can see him putzing around. He's supposed to be in bed with the lights out by 11:30. I said, Bro, Go to bed! I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep and 20 mins later I hear thumping from his room, so clearly he is still awake doing crap, but now he's keeping me from sleeping. I was about to snap on him, but I'm trying to (mostly) disengage so I gave him one more chance, didn't hear anything, and fell asleep. DH and I have gone rounds about SS's bedtime- it's caused so many fights and DH gets sooo defensive. I refuse to fight about it anymore. SS stays up til all hours, no matter how many times DH tells him he needs to go to bed, but DH is working at night and doesn't enforce anything and there's never any consequences, so SS doesn't listen for long. This is the first time we've had skids during school this year, and we're already starting this. You could tell SS didn't think anything of being up with the door open past his time. This morning I was getting ready for work and see his car still outside, when he should have been gone. I kind of relish that skids are at school by the time I come out of my room, so there's no morning interactions needed. I could have let him be late, but that would involve him getting ready while I'm in the kitchen, and, well, nope. So I knock on his door to wake him up and he's like, Oh my alarm didn't go off. *eyeroll*. I tell him he better get going, there's no time to do everything- just get up and go. What does he do? Gets in the shower. Which would definitely make him late to school. I said, YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO SHOWER, brush your teeth and go! When DH got home from work shortly after this, I filled him in and he's not amused with SS.
Then DH asked "What do you think I should tell him the latest he can stay up is? He can't be late for school."
Me: "Idk, what do you think"? (I'm not falling into this trap and have been implementing all of my hmmm....oh yeah? responses when DH talks about skids *blum3* )
DH: "I think 11:30-12 is plenty late. That way even if he works til 9, he has time to do homework" (or more likely, play video games) I said, yeah that sounds good. Plus he even told us last month that he was so tired last year during school he couldn't get going until 2nd period, which means he's staying up too late.
On Sat. night SS went for a drive with a friend and text DH about it. DH then asked me what time I thought he should tell SS to be home by.
Me: "Idk, what do you think"?
DH: "I was thinking 11"?
Me: "Sure, that sounds good". IDGAF.
How do people do this? Even if it's normal kid behavior, there is literally ALWAYS something with kids. It is absolutely exhausting.
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We did it full time
After 4 years of back and forth, and plenty of trauma, the 3 SKs moved in full time, one at a time, over a 9-month period. I would never in a million years have believed it, but life was easier once they all lived here full time. The transition between houses was hard on both them and me. Once they all lived here and the 5 kids were in the same school district with DH and me in the parental roles, things went smoother. Who would have thought.
I read on here about the shared custody that is prevalent today and I often wonder how that can work. Transition was very detrimental, in our case.
That's crazy! I can see how
That's crazy! I can see how it can be tough to transition between households, so the parenting aspect may be easier. 3 SK's FT still sounds like something I want no part of. lol. For me, I am easily exhausted by standard kid crap, so my breaks are what give me sanity. I can't imagine not having time off!
A 16yo shouldn' t have a bed
A 16yo shouldn' t have a bed time IMHO. However..... the 16yo gets their ass out of bed and gets to school. So, I would not set a bed time but I would set a SS-16 gets his ass out of bed in the AM time.
When we were that age if we did not get out of bed on time we got a pitcher of icewater on our heads which got us flying out of bed. That applied to weekends as well. If we stayed up all night there was no sleeping all day the next day. We had to be up and consciouse until the next night when we could sleep. If we stayed up all night on a Friday or Saturday night the next day usually was filled with heavy manual labor type job assignments. Tilling mom's garden, digging out part of the cellar, dusting and oiling all of hte wooden furniture and hard wood floors, scraping paint off of the cedar house siding, digging out the flower beds, mixing fertilizer and sand into the dirt, blending it, and replacing the new improved mixture into the flower beds, scrubbing the side walks with a stiff brush, etc......
Quit fighting this battle and get the ice water and hard labor job list ready. We learned to get our asses in bed and go to sleep. Or... we were so exhausted that we could not function at all. Still we were not allowed to not get up.
I like where your head's at
I like where your head's at Rags! In summer and on wknds, skids have no bedtime. When we were on vacation last week, DH text SD13 at 7AM her time, and she immediately responded- she hadn't even been to bed yet. SERIOUSLY???? They then sleep until 1pm-3pm every day. I think they absolutely need motivation to go to bed earlier, and that should be doing additional things around the house. However, there are a few holes in the plan- DH would neevvvverr give skids manual labor (he refuses to make SS mow the lawn, and won't ask him to take out the trash). He just complains about them staying up and then tells them they need to "go to bed earlier", which they don't listen to because he doesn't do anything about it.
DH is on 3rd shift right now so I'm with skids at night - in a few weeks he's supposed to be switching shifts to a rotating 1st/2nd shift. He will be around to handle this crap. Unfortunately SS has proven he can't handle going to bed at a decent time and managing his schedule. He stays up and then sleeps after school, oversleeps for work or other obligations, and DH allows the napping. And now he didn't get up on time for school today. But as we speak, DH is telling SS 11:30 is his bedtime, hard stop. He also finally told him to shut his f'ng door in a tone SS might actually listen to.
Luckily, thanks to my new meds and disengagement on this topic, I don't care nearly as much as I used to! *biggrin*
Ah yeah, I'd play passive
Ah yeah, I'd play passive aggressive stepmom with the sleeping "schedule" SS is keeping. My rule was if you didn't get ready for school in time you went to bed EARLIER that night. He must have currency, how important is driving to him? ( that was mine at 16). Any way to make him ride the bus to school instead of driving? Also consider some reverse psychology on him and take his door down for a spell. Since he doesn't use it, why have one? Then have fun making all kinds of noise While he's sleeping. I really think you need to outwit this kid AND his father. What a wimpy dad he is. And since he doesn't follow thru , you could offer up the ultimatum: either you parent him or I will and you don't get a choice on how I deal with him. DH should not let his kids inconvenience you at all. There's a power shift that needs to happen in your house and SS needs to be knocked off his throne.
If we had SDs/SD full time I
If we had SDs/SD full time I'd have to have a come-to-Jaysus meeting with DH about how the house runs and exactly what I have say in overall. I would refuse to be as disengaged as I am. And I would be fully prepared to leave if my needs as an adult human home-owner and coordinator and caretaker were not met or at least discussions/negotiations were underway.
We did 50:50 briefly when SS
We did 50:50 briefly when SS was an infant (6months-2yrs) on a four days on, four days off schedule. In our high conflict situation, the constant need to be in touch to update each other on things and then do exchanges was mentally exhausting and a breeding ground for hostility. After DH got primay custody and BM was given the weekends (except during Summer), then it all settled down. DH was in charge of school, medical, etc and since doesn't have control issues, he had no problem with forwarding the basic information or where to BM could find it in a weekly summary at the end of each week. This limited to communication during the week to emergencies or important info/updates. When SS was 7 and told us BM was not allowing him to message DH from the electronics at her house, I bought SS a cellphone to have. Of course after getting permission to bring it to BMs (bc she can't be the bad guy and it would be more to her advantage to allow the phone so she can also contact him while he is with us majority of the time/year), and this cut out all intermediary communication with BM and DH. She no longer had to text Dh about SS's day or ask him for a picture of SS. Those trivial updates can go straight to SS now. The major stuff should still go through the parenting app but BM is trying to finangle her way into using SS to delivery the messages to DH. All it took was SS incorrectly relaying birthday party information that ended up messing with her plans for her to hopefully learn her lesson at least temporarily it seems.
LIfe is as good as [Near] Full timer (80%) can get given the fact that we are blended. SS is happy to still be living with us and we are happy knowing that we have rules, boundaries, and standards in our house that help him be the best he can be while also growing into being a decent, responsible, and motivated human as well. His grades stay above average and he is respectful to adults when he is with us or left with someone while in our care. In fact the only adults we've ever seen him disrespect is his mother and her fiance and cousin and that's all on them because DH tried correcting him once when he was 4, but BM never missing her chance to cause a scene, jumped his shit with the "my parenting time" b.s. so now it's her problem that she set the stage for.
SS is a now great mesh of my personality and DH's behaviors and we can iive with that just fine. We fought hard and stay viligent to keep this the status quo though. That part of it will never be easy, but it is rewarding to know that he is set on a good path now and if that changes it won't be becuase of us.
YSK is 16 and lives with us
YSK is 16 and lives with us full-time. They have a self-imposed "bed time" which is really a time for them to be in their room and quietly settling down. They also get up for school on their own and are out the door for the bus a few minutes before our alarm goes off. I think they have missed their alarm once or twice and had to ask for a ride, and when that happens they quickly get dressed and jump in the car to make it to class on time.
Your SS should be able to do the same. If he can't, then he needs to be treated at the maturity level he is at. That may mean he gets a bed time, or at least a time when he is in his room with the door shut. If you're home at night on your own while your DH works, you have EVERY right to tell SS to keep it quiet. You have EVERY right to shut off his light and close his door. At that point, it isn't about helping him. It's about YOU getting a good night sleep.
In the mornings, let the consequences land where they may. Let him take a shower and be late for school. Let DH come home to SS still at the house. You can send your DH a text on your way out the door letting him know SS is still there, but that's as much as you need to do.
Again, when DH isn't there, do what YOU need to do. If he doesn't like that, then the kids either need to not be there OR he needs a new job where he can babysit his 16 year old. And you can 100% tell your DH that, and remind him that he is the parent and needs to make these decisions, not you.
I think common courtesy is
I think common courtesy is whenever the first one in the house wants to go to sleep the others try to be as quiet as possible. And for skids that means being in their room with the door closed.