Soon to be Step-mom, need some advice
I'm engaged to an awesome guy, who has an 8 year old son. The BM isn't too bad, she and I have communicated via email and we get along fine. There are occassionally issues, but compared to some horror stories about BMs that I read, I don't have more than annoyances with her.
Here's the deal. I never wanted kids before, but I have had some very negative experiences with them in the past, which I think has influenced my perspective on kids. I like my fiance's son, but I am always glad when he goes home (we have him every other weekend and Wednesdays for a few hours) because he is very high energy, emotionally immature (acts 5), and I suspect has a very mild autism. The boy, "J," loves me, and in fact has told his mom that he is nicer to me than to her, his dad, or his stepdad! He and I don't have any conflict, because J knows I don't let him get away with anything, so pushing boundaries won't work with me.
I work in a place that is very mentally straining. I love the work, but it takes a lot out of me mentally. On days when I know we have J, my blood pressure will start to creep up at work hours before I get off. Basically, I start getting many symptoms of anxiety. There is no doubt to me that he is the trigger, because I have monitered it over a couple of months, and it literally only happens when I know he will be at home when I get home. I can't relax at home when he is there, because he is sooo high energy, squealing at tv, laughing so loud it makes me cringe, bouncing off the furniture, etc. Others know what I am talking about, I'm not alone here.
"B," my fiance, has tried to rein J in. Problem is, he was alone for 3 years after his divorce, and allowed J to do whatever he wanted. Now the consequences of that are coming around. J was allowed to stay up til 2am if he wanted, when we first started dating. I stopped that when we moved in together, and now J has a 9pm bedtime. B is working with him, to teach him to clean up behind himself, because I commented that J thinks everyone should do for him because in the past B HAS done everything for him. The boy is 8 years old, and still wants B to come wipe his butt after he goes to the bathroom. He tries to get J to calm down when I am home, and not to bounce off the furniture, but that doesn't always work (as it won't with kids).
Basically, I end up going into our bedroom and shutting the door and reading, which isn't healthy as a future family. I am high strung and restless from the moment he gets there, til hours after his mom gets him Sunday evenings. I try not to get snappy, because he's just a kid, and it isn't his fault that I am not a "kid person." While B understands how I feel, and doesn't resent me for it (it was BM who wanted to have a kid, not him), I fear he will if I continue to implement changes (even though they need to be done, for everyone's sake).
I don't want to be the parent. It is HIS job and BM's job to raise J, yet I am the one who is having to step in and say "hey, he is 8. He needs to throw his own Capri Sun away. He can pick up his toys before bedtime, and before he goes home. He doesn't need to just eat chips, yogurt, and chicken nuggets. He needs to brush his teeth. No 7 year old (at the time) needs to be up at 2am." Amazingly, J adapts very well to my changes in his routine, only fighting B over bedtime (like any kid, "I don't want to go yet," the usual). Kids like rules and routines.
However, B has acted passive agressively in the past a couple of times, allowing J to stay up way later (midnight) when I had work the next day. He said he didn't realize they were keeping me awake, and I told him that was beside the point, he intentionally allowed J to once again set the rules. We discussed it, and it hasn't happened since.
Y'all, am I making the right decision? For a woman who never wanted kids, I am going to have one, for better or worse on October 9th. Is it normal to have this "fight or flight" instinct when I know J will be there, because of how high strung he is, and how I react to it myself? Thanks for letting me vent, and for any advice you can give.
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Comments
Welcome Triggerfishgal. You
Welcome Triggerfishgal. You have come to the right place
to vent.
I think it is absolutely normal to feel the 'fight or flight' instinct when the skids are around. You are not alone.
Wow, getting married in a few days! That's awesome!
I think that it is a huge decision to make on the 'package' when you marry someone who has a kid and it must not be taken lightly. However, you need to sit down and write down the pro's and con's to this union and then decide what you can deal with and what you cannot. You need to have a talk with your future husband (FH) and tell him how you feel about all that has happened in the past with SS regarding rules, behaviours etc and let him know that you will not be able to survive in a marriage if your views and feelings are not considered and respected.
This all in my humble opinion! Let's see what the other gals & guys or STalkers think.
Regards
MG
Welcome TFG Okay...the fact
Welcome TFG
Okay...the fact that you are asking yourself this question tells me that deep down you probably think it's a bad idea but there are so many other things on top that are drowning out the noise. I was dealing with a similar situation (minus the SKs) with my first marriage. It was literally a couple days before my wedding and I talked to my co-worker for 2 hours about whether or not i was making a good decision. I decided to get married anyways and the first opportunity that presented itself, I was gone and we were divorced within a year. I knew deep down that I wasn't going to be happy, and then years later, my friends and family told me they actually had bets on how long we would last. No one wanted to "burst my bubble" so to speak, but if i would've known then what i know now, i wouldn't have gotten married the first time at all!
I'm not trying to force you one way or another but you need to be honest with yourself. The kid is not going anywhere, and i'm sure most other women will tell you it most likely won't get any better. You are already recognizing problem areas that may change as the kid matures, but for the most part, this is it...the kid coming over every other weekend and on Wednesdays and you hiding in your bedroom will be your life. Is that what you want?
I agree with MaGoose - writing out a list of pros and cons might help you figure out what is most important, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Sometimes we have our love blinders on and don't want to see the big picture, but if you're not happy now, you won't be happy in you're marriage. You can't snap your fingers and expect everything to be the way you want it overnight. And something else to consider is that although relationships right now might be cordial at best between you and BM and "J", once you take on "new wife" role, prepare for the claws to come out. It sounds like you're already stressed out enough....do you need more?
If your wedding day is close, you might want to consider postponing it for right now until you can ask yourself these questions and not hesitate in your answers and be comfortable with your answers. If you've already spent money on the wedding, postponing it won't be a complete loss -- cancelling it might not even be a complete loss as long as you are happy. Your family and friends will only be concerned with your happiness, so be honest with yourself because the future you depends on it.
GOod luck and best wishes!!
You're right, I have been
You're right, I have been questioning myself inside. I am one of those people that faces things, rather than run from them. I can emotionally distance myself and look at things as another person would see them. I agree with you, I have already realized that hiding out in the bedroom is not a good solution, because as you said, do I really want to do that forever? No.
I also agree that things with the BM may appear fine, but we shall see if that continues. I have told my FH that I WILL NOT tolerate him putting her feelings above mine anymore, even though they have a kid together, because he isn't with her, he's with me. So now he has gotten more accustomed to telling her no when she randomly texts and asks if he can get J from school/keep him overnight, etc. Basically, her way of snapping her fingers and seeing if she could still make him roll over.
Part of me wants to postpone the wedding, but the other part of me knows that if we get married, I will work much harder to make things work out. I think this will require a team effort between he and I. As I told him, we can't worry about what BM does or doesn't do at her house; all that matters is the rules at OUR house. That while I don't like the concept behind "choosing between us," that I expect my feelings and considerations to come over his child, because we choose our partners, we don't choose our kids. Kids are given to us, and we can't give them back (I tell people they don't come with receipts), but we do have complete control over choosing our mate. Therefore, I come first. J comes second. Period.
I am flexible over things, but at the end of the day, he knows that if he makes the mistake he made a few months ago of choosing J over me, that we have a serious problem. It blew up into a discussion a few months ago of whether I was better off leaving him, but I decided that if behavior could be modified, then I would stay. Behavior was modified, and here I am.
J is not a bad kid, especially compared to some of the horror stories I read here. He is polite, sensitive, and generous. His main problems come from two parents who allowed him to rule the roost, out of guilt and, in my FH case, being too depressed to do what was necessary. Now J just needs a positive influence, and while I can offer that, I don't want to be the main one doing it, since I think it is his parents' job to do that.
Agreed. And try to make DH
Agreed. And try to make DH understand that KIDS NEED AND WANT BOUNDARIES! It makes them feel loved, whether they bitch about it or not. You all just need to get into the routine of "normal" family life, and what its going to be like when "J" goes to stay at dad's. He will learn what is acceptable and what isn't. My SD's are 15 and 19 and after almost 2 years, they are just starting to "get it". Hang in there honey!
Proceed with caution. Talk
Proceed with caution. Talk to others that you know and trust who are step parents. Also, if possibe, join a step-parent support group. I only attend two sessions before I got married and boy do I wish I would have attended more.
There is so much you and your soon to be spouse need to discuss such as finances, what is paid for with child support, asking the step-child to do something and watching the body language of your spouse. If he acts like he doesn't like what you have said, then he probably don't deep down inside. Discuss how you will handle situations, don't take anything for granted. DON'T let him tell you "we will face those situations when they come up". This is a sign that he will not stand with you.
Oh boy, I am hyperventilating
Oh boy, I am hyperventilating reading your post. You asked for honest opinions and here is mine. I envision you standing at the edge of a volcano, filled with molten lava, hoping that if you jump, it will cool off before you hit. My situation is very similar in that compared to some kids described on this site, as much as I hate to admit it, my skid isn't the worst. BM isn't bad as long as she gets exactly what she wants, if not, look out. Your post has red flags all over it. I wonder how long you have been with BF? He is already showing you that he is getting tired of changing for you, ie. blowing off your legitimate request for a reasonable bedtime for skid. That will only get worse as he perceives you as a bigger and bigger nag and gets the idea that you are stuck with him as his wife, so why should he change? Also, skid is 8. That's not a bad age, but all hell is going to break loose in a few years, think hormones and pimples and body odor and drugs and talking back and all the weird issues he has with being in a divided family. He may not shriek at the TV, but I bet that will seem pretty minor compared to whatever he does as a teen.
Also, the biggest red flag because I have been there done that...you said that you should come first and kid second. I agree, but I guarantee that your BF will never adopt that philosophy, and the more you push the more he will favor the kid. I don't get it either. I want to scream, but no matter what my skid does, he is always right, always perfect, always comes first always. My BF often reminds me "he is part of me." What am I then? If there is ever a conflict or a battle or ever has to really be a choice...you will lose. I am sorry, but I think guilty divorced dads are pretty uniform here. My BF let it slip during a conversation about our jobs the other day, that if we had kids together, and I had to go to another state for a job (my job is very specific) that it would be sad to have to split up our family so he could stay with his kid. WHAT? Like the assumption was that it was soooo obvious that me and OUR KIDS (thats the worst part) would always be second and he would abandon us in a minute if it meant staying with skid. Anyway, this is about you not me, but I think we are all in a similar boat. I am hardly a seasoned veteran here but I feel like it. If you want a man to put you first, you cannot settle for one with kids. You will feel like sloppy shitty seconds for the rest of your life. You will hate hubby for it, you will hate that kid that you now barely tolerate and worst you will come to hate yourself...locked in your bedroom alone and wondering why. You can have a wonderful life and be cherished and adored and put on a pedestal, but not with a man with kids. Okay, that's harsh but heartfelt. I kind of feel like I see the bus coming and I am trying to get you out of the street. Take that wedding money and buy yourself a trip to anywhere and give it some very long hard consideration. I bet you already know. Please listen to yourself. If I was a religious person, I would pray for you.
I'm not a religious person,
I'm not a religious person, but I appreciate the sentiment. FDH and I had a talk a couple of days ago. I was honest with my expectations. That I be backed up if there is an issue, that I come before ex-wifey, even if it "rocks the boat," etc, so we will see.
What worries me is that on this site, I see soooo many relationships fail because the bio parent puts on blinkers where their kids are concerned. I think they forget that while they can't choose how their kids act, because you don't "pick out" your kids, they DID choose their spouse, and they chose them for a reason. It's very easy to say "oh, but this is my kid, he/she is part of me." Well, your spouse may not be a "part of you" biologically, but they damn sure are a part of your life that you selected and promised "to cherish above all others," I believe some vows say. It doesn't specify that the "all others" not include bio kids. Bioparents, please, please remember that you chose your mate for good reasons (hopefully). They are supposed to be your partner, NOT YOUR CHILDREN.
*climbs off soapbox for moment*