Mixed feelings and a bit of a rambling rant
DH is looking into counselling to address his issues about SD. I'm happy because I think counselling is a step in the right direction but some of the things he says makes me uneasy. Like how he really wants to have a relationship with her, etc. And when he asked me for my thoughts I asked what was the point of going to counselling? To chase your daughter who wants nothing to do with you or to set up better boundaries and move on with your life? And he says he wants her in his life and to get to a healthier spot. I’m sure if he lands a decent therapist they’ll point out that you can’t maintain healthy boundaries while you debase yourself to buy crumbs of affection.
Then the subject went to the topic of SD’s present and how he was supposed to get it to her when she won’t meet up with him. Let’s have a moment to think about how fked up it is to chase someone down to give them a present! I suggested just send it by registered post and call it a day. And when he was unsatisfied with that comment i took my filter off and said she's probably gonna toss it or sell it for money. I wish I could engrave a message on there “to cashies staff, the person flogging this piece is a c*nt!”
So we’ve gone from talking about possible counselling to me calling his daughter a c*nt. This is a girl who was happy to stick her hand out and take her ailing grandmother’s jewellery while refusing to see any extended family since her parents separated. Her three years as an adult only reaching out to DH with invoices for him to pay, expecting maintenance while working full time on her own and living with BM. DH has been to hospital multiple times and he’ll be lucky if she bothers to send a text that starts with “hope you’re well” before she launches into the real reason for contact - money. Pretend she’s any other person than your daughter. What would you call someone who does that kind of stuff? He had no response to that. Probably because a little voice in his head was supplying the answer: “a c*nt!”
- The_Upgrade's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How old is your SD?
How old is your SD?
He should send her a Birthday card and be done with it. When my SS was alienated, DH bought him gifts and they were here for him when he finally started speaking to DH again. He just texted him a happy birthday on the day.
My SS is no longer alienated but he still can't be bothered to wish DH happy anything, EVER. Your DH has to realize that of course he wants a relationship with his daughter - but if she doesn't want one with him, there's nothing he can do.
Turning 21. I told him to
Turning 21. I told him to just send a card but he said "just this year because it's her 21st". And I thought it wasn't a hill worth dying on when there were so many other hills in sight. Telling him that there's nothing he can do if she's unwilling and getting it to sink into his head is another matter. Fingers crossed for counselling. But part of the reason I took the filter off was because that's my and his own family's opinion of BM and now SD. We don't think that for no reason. If he's getting upset at our low opinion of SD then he's still got his blinds on about what kind of person is daughter really is and that fake vision is what he's chasing.
My husband doesn’t message his daughters for their bday
they are so pas’d out they don’t even wish hubby a happy bday
before he met me he would jump through ridiculous hoops for them till he realized its no way to live like this for such selfish ungrateful disrespectful people.
there are moments he may message them and in the early days after we married and sd’s reinitiated contact, hubby everyday threw himself asking if they got home and what they were eating for dinner, basically reiterating the world revolved around them further enabling their behaviour.
i told hubby if he didn’t do this for a week what would happen?? I guaranteed they could not give a stuff about hubby... i was righr!!
skids daddy is only useful as an unlimited atm and favours, thats all
Shamds, you said "I told
Shamds, you said "I told hubby if he didn’t do this for a week what would happen?? I guaranteed they could not give a stuff about hubby... i was right!!" You are definitely right. I remember one time when my ex was trying to persuade me to be in a relationship with him again I told him if he really believes his adult kids care about him or want to be in a relationship with him, stop giving them money and see if they stick around. I told him he already knew he would never hear from them again. Needless to say he didn't try it. But you are right, we can see the truth.
You said "skids daddy is only useful as an unlimited atm and favours, thats all." You are absolutely right. My ex was acting as an atm for adult kids he hadn't seen in several years. Smh
Yeah i told hubby the fact his skidults have made themselves
Like they are incapable of being financially independent and made themselves more incapable than a kindergartener is ridiculous and pathetic.
i will not tolerate that anymore and its a reason why we can never have a happy marriage when i never sogned up for a hubby supporting lazy arse adults out of guilt because daddy divorced mummy. If they are still sulking about that then they need to grow up. It happened over 11 yrs ago...
heck i moved on with my life and was working within a year of my parents divorce as i had just finished high school
no one babied or pandered to me
hubby wants to retire in another year or 2, i will be sole income earner then as i would have finished my studies. Hubby is adamant no financial support will go to skids as they are on their own. No money of mine is going to them and hubby will not be sacrificing money for our household from part time work for their lazy arses
Shamds, you are absolutely
Shamds, you are absolutely righr. And I don't know anyone who has adult kids that are not independent. Someone told me the reason my ex's kids don't work enough to be independent or work for what they really want, us because they don't want anything in life. I know one thing, given that my adult kids are independent, I was totally taken back when I found out my ex's adult kids regularly call him for money. He is enabling them. Some of them are still having kids they know they can't afford to take care of.
Yup, dealing with this right now
OSS19 has barely seen DH and not for lack of DH trying. Kid wouldn't even drive the 20 minutes here to grab his own bday present. And DH wrang his hands on how to get it to him. Drove to BMs. Talked a total of five minutes and drove home. There's more crap and I pointed out to DH that he doesn't take that kind of behavior from the young people near OSSs age that report to him (DH). Why would he take that from his own son? That DH set it up to be that way and displayed similar behavior so is reaping what he sowed. But it's not too late to set boundaries and expectations for their relationship.
My SS20 says he'll come over
My SS20 says he'll come over and then is a no-show. He doesn't drive, so it usually means us picking him up and dropping him off, and he still can't manage to get here.
DH doesn't much care anymore, and he certainly would not, and never has, dropped off a present at BM's.
Iam, there is more than one
Iam, there is more than one mom. And I was in disbelief that he even made that statement. But yes I guess he thought it was best to trick his kids into believing he loved their moms at some point. I remember thinking he would rather lie to them than be honest about something like this. Perhaps that could be a part of the reason they have no respect for him. I think he looked at it as not wanting his adult kids to know they weren't created out of love. These are adults, not babies. They are old enough to know that all kids aren't the product of loving relationships. Love is a lot of things, honesty, respect, integrity etc. What he was doing was what would hurt them most in the long run. I was like come on dude, admit your flaws and fix them. For heaven's sake tell them the truth, get your life together, and show them a real example of love. He couldn't do it. He thought that giving them money no matter how horrible they behaved and being dishonest was best. All he is doing is continuing to hurt his adult kids and they are continuing the favor.
"I wish I could engrave a
"I wish I could engrave a message on there “to cashies staff, the person flogging this piece is a c*nt!”
What is it with
Dadddeeee and their unrequited love from their mini wives?
I know thay men love "the chase" but come on!!! Dadee's little Princess (or Prince)
Chasing someone who doesn't
Chasing someone who doesn't want you, even if it is your kid is pathetic. Who the heck do this girls think they are anyways trying to dictate who their father loves?? It makes me think these girls were nothing more than damaged goods to begin with. I know women on the message board approach the subject with their dh/so differently, some with lots of care and caution, while others not so much. Once my ex's youngest daughter had a horrible tantrum, verbally abused him, and disrespected our relationship at the time, being nicey-nice went out the window. I had so many harsh nanes for her from that point forward that one of my relatives said I renamed the youngest daughter. Hahaaa. I even told him how pathetic he was for procreatung with a crappy woman then acting shocked that his youngest daughter turned out to be a crappy woman. The way I looked at it, he wasn't man enough to fix that issue (later found out his other adult kids have similar issues too) prior to asking me to be in a relationship with him, so I no longer had respect for him.
I hope for your and your DH's
I hope for your and your DH's sake he goes to a counselor and works through it. The key has to be accepting that there is no "relationship" with your SD and that it's only based on what she can get from him. If your DH is willing to accept that and let go of her, then perhaps you can move forward and be happy. I relate to this so much with my DH and SSs. Unfortunately, not only is my DH unwilling to see a counselor, he is more than willing to accept SSs' crumbs and even justify the shell of a relationship! DH just told me yesterday he knows SSs can't have a real relationship with him because it would make BM mad, and they'd never do that. He also said if he did somehow succeed in having a real relationship with SSs, BM would do something to interfere with it. My SSs are 24 and 26, so I don't expect anything will ever change on that front. Fortunately, they both live hours away and are rarely a factor in our lives.
Smto2 your dh sounds like he
Smto2 your dh sounds like he is stuck in denial and wants to remain there. Did he give a reason for not being willing to go to counseling? His kids are 24 and 26? They should be capable of making their own decisions. Kids NEVER always do what their parents want. They violate curfews (or at least try to without getting caught haha), don't necessarily do chores when told, or do other things that get them grounded when they are under age. They do have minds of their own. So once they are adults they can choose not to have a relationship with others (including a parent) if they want to. I don't fully get why some parents feel they have a right to be in their adult kids life. Even so desperately that they would pay for it. So sad.
I honestly don't think he's
I honestly don't think he's in denial , because he readily admits the relationship with SSs is terrible. The thing he could be in denial on is his thought that the reason they shun him (even when they're with him, ie, we just took them on an all expense paid vacation and both posted pics on FB as though they were there together without DH, me, and our bios) because they don't want to make BM mad. It could be the real reason is, they dislike DH, but who knows? (I KNOW they don't care about me. Lol.) And I think counseling would only work if DH were willing to lose the relationship with SSs, which he's not. He's willing to take what he can get on any terms the SSs are willing to offer.