Yes, I attempt to "kill with kindness" - and it kills me!! I do not genuinely want to do any of the "kind" things and I am only doing it for fake reasons to appear that I am nice. Ugh, it's exhausting. I have sent BM HUGE flower arrangements when she has babies. I have sent Xmas gifts over for all the children in her house. Ultimately the reasons I have done that is #1 BM's MIL will think DH and I are nice people and not give her any money should BM ever want to take us to court for something and #2 To show off my wrapping skills, I really am good at it. I have done other things but at this point I would probably make myself sick thinking about what a waste of time it was. I don't know why I do this. I know it is the "right" thing but really, it doesn't do anyone any good. I should just be indifferent. I think if you want to give your BM a gift because it gives you a little "zing!" satisfaction then you should do it but you don't need to feel bad for not "being the better person" if you choose to not do a gift.

I do that with my venomous in laws and sin laws, but when it comes to the BMs that I don't like, I do the "I forgot you were alive until just now" thing. I like BM3 most of the time. She came over and watched Harry Potter with us today. DH was at work and her BF was riding snow machines about 2 hours away, and I guess she was bored, because she called and asked if she could come over and play...lol.

Yeah, on a sweet note, when I went to get SD8 at BM2s trailer hole tonight, there was a water shutoff notice stapled to her door. It's just not Christmas unless somebody gets a shutoff notice, now is it?

I know that's not nice, but this woman is beyond vile. The things she has done to my stepdaughter. I'm not going there, I'm just going to say there's a good reason the kid is The Martian.

Okay I have to ask this - why the hell would you give his ex a present - they are exes - leave it that way - why do so many people want to re-open that door - it is not killing them with kindness to give them a gift - it makes no sense - why would you give the BM a gift from you and DH - one time our BM sent us an email at Easter wishing me and DH and DD a happy Easter - I found it so strange - I can't stand her guts and she hates us so it only made her look fake - and really rather foolish - if she got us a gift at Christmas I would seriously think that she had lost her mind and was too unstable to take care of SS. DON'T BUY A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR HER - if she is an asshole to you and DH - then you are rewarding her for her foolish behavior and when you wonder why she is an even bigger asshole and petty jerk it is because you are rewarding her. Just as I would never buy a christmas gift for my ex-husband I would seriously hurt my DH if he even suggested buying a christmas gift for our BM!!!

I have two BM's and I to be honest cant stand BM#1. She would never know it though. I am very kind, helpful, etc. to her. It works best for me. I will be getting her a xmas present and sending it to her from my DH and I. Shes a fat cow who whines and complains because shes always in soooo much pain and her life is so stressed....blah blah...so I'm getting her a gift certificate to a spa. Last year I got her candles so she could "relax". I always try to give her something to reflect all of the whining and complaining she does. LOL I think it annoys her that I am so nice....she avoids me because I make her feel inferior and self conscious. She hardly ever gives us any drama or trouble. She knows she would come off as such a tool if she were disrespectful. Sure she talks smack behind the scenes...I'm sure she does. But, when she sees me she is as sweet as pie. It must be torture for her. I love it.

I, too, was raised to "rise above" & be the better person, take the high road...essentially to "kill with kindness". It's something in me I can't seem to shake. I don't feel like I'm failing because BM & I aren't friends, but I feel there's got to be SOMETHING I can do to make her see that I'm not a bad person. At the same time, I know I've never given her to reason to believe I am a bad person, & I know that I can't change her. I just feel like I want to keep trying to. LOL!

I feel like I honestly have a desire to make her realize that, but it could just be something in me that wants to prove that I have a bigger heart than she does.

I bought a card and an ornament for her last year. She has this hang up with angels, fairies, cherubs, etc. So, the ornament is an angel with a "Peace" banner. I got it with the intention of extending the olive branch...once again, & sharing my wish for peace between us & our homes.

Needless to say, the ornament & the card are still in my craft room in the bag I got when I purchased them. If I were to send it, it would be from me alone. DH's name would not be on it. I don't speak on his behalf. He is a grown man & can express his own thoughts & feelings as he sees fit. But, I can't bring myself to send it anyway.

She has commented that I laugh a lot & I smile all the time. She mentioned it to DH like there was something wrong with me because of it. I guess because she's become accustomed to her misery & lemon-face. I have yet to show offense or disrespect toward her despite her efforts to piss me off. She has done it, but she'll never know.

I would never get BM a gift and would be walking out the door if DH did. It pisses me off that he is buying a gift for SD12 to get BM! I was instilled with the "kill em with kindness" concept too, but it didn't take. I, like some others, put on the air of indifference. I don't know how long that will last though because there have been times she has called DH when she is drunk or just plain pissed off for no reason or because she hasn't gotten her way and I have wanted to snatch the phone out of his hands and let her have it. So far I haven't. I have never even met BM or seen her close up. I'm fine with that. I at one time thought I would like to meet her since I will be helping raise her daughter. But SD12 told me "I wouldn't do that if I were you." I have a feeling it will all come to a head one day.