Bad Step Moms
I think most people that become step parents,go into it, trying to make a difference, not over-stepping boundaries (this is more so true if you already were a parent before entering the world of step-hell) and generally trying to make the best of an awkward situation.Most often Step-parents are viewed as someone evil, someone who wants the other parent ALL TO THEMSELVES.
After being exposed to this way of life for nearly 10 years now, I can without hesitation admit that not all children are innocent and most exes are generally a pain in the A. I can also admit and perhaps maybe I will get karma, but I can now affirm that my SOs kids are nothing.They HATE their dad unless he can do something or give them something, other than that they are not interested in him. It is painful to see. It is even harder to fight off the hate from spewing out of your mouth.
The latest fiasco, which is honestly never ending, his kids are 19&20 and believe me when you read, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER WITH TIME. SOs results from the court were basically he is to continue paying CS for his entities until the age of 23, even that is not clear. Believe me when I say, it isnt about money going out. Although, I think most would be lying if they said, they "enjoy paying CS" no-one likes paying bills. It is the amount of drama, suspicion, intrusion in your life constantly on top of the money going out every month that makes this whole step life, not worth it.
His oldest entity gets the luxury without medical proof for "alleged Social Anxiety Disorder", which if you want to believe,has suddenly went away. The oldest entity who is 20, still in highschool and judge stated, if IT doesnt finish highschool by the end of june, CS will be terminated. Guess who will suddenly get their A into gear? You betcha! Entity #1. Suddenly, itll be a miracle, by some higher being, Entity #1 will finish Highschool, its amazing what things can happen when CS is put into Question.
If you have gotten this far into this rant/expose: The point of this is (as others have reiterated), bad news doesnt get better with time. Being a step-parent, does not get better with time. The problems get bigger, the amount of CS gets bigger and the amount of hate gets bigger.I love my SO I really do. But after being a part of the constant BS, a bitter ex and kids. I will not get to enjoy that time back, that I should have put into my own family and myself.
I have thought, I have been tempted to just be a little poor temporarily to relinquish my sanity back, by leaving the situation.The ghosts of his past have stolen so much, not only from me but from him and our family. If you are just getting into a relationship with a man with an ex and kids, I cant tell you what to do, but I can advise, not to do it. There are many people without kids and problems, I mean we all have problems. Unless he has his former B under control, I highly advise against it. If his ex is hi-conflict, i would say run. There are times where you may come across a normal blended family, but for the most part: Read these stories and believe it, when other say, it turns out it wasnt worth it.
I am hopeful things will get better, after saying horrible things about his ghosts this evening, maybe i shouldnt have said it, but at the same time, someone has to. It is obscene. The BS i have endured at the age of 33. I have blocked them out of my lives. I told him I dont care what happens I just want them out. I have mentioned several times that before they call, I get a weird anxiety feeling and pressure in my chest, its like some sort of psychic warning that these people are toxic for me. I should have left when someone said to leave x, years ago, but giving love a chance seemed more important. Sometimes the love isnt enough.
Please remember every situation is unique, but I think most people on this site are dealing with some hardcore stuff, and we need this site. This isnt the everyday run of the mill hi-conflict story, my situation is crazy. Dont ever let someone or a situation control your life, like I did.
I wish everyone luck and strengh to deal with their version of step-hell.
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Comments
6 months into my relationship
6 months into my relationship with my husband a friend i had not seen for ages asked how i was... i told her about my OH and she said "oh he has kids ooooo i would avoid avoid avoid" at the time it was all new and the kids seemed nice the one time i had met them.
12 years in i have changed, i am no longer the stong outgoing and full of life person i used to be and this is due to the stress and pressure that i have been through with BM, kids and everything that goes with it. I love my husband dearly and of course would not be without him but i would NEVER advise anyone to go down this route. I think it is rare that it is all roses and works out well.
Although it is now ok 95% of the time i cry and get so upset about the big chunk of my life which was spent in upset and stress!
God, I thought we had it bad,
God, I thought we had it bad, paying CS for 2 more years, until 21, for a lazy POS who barely speaks to his father.
I stay because I have a strong relationship with DH and I firmly believe that in general, he handles this stuff as well as it can be handled. He doesn't make it worse, he doesn't give his kid money he doesn't deserve, he doesn't let the ex walk all over him or intrude into our lives, and he doesn't create drama.
For me, that's the key to making it through. Without that, I'd have been long gone.
Honestly...at a young age
Honestly...at a young age there may be more childless options...as we get older...the pool dwindles. But you are still young...if you are unhappy... you should leave and find your happiness.
And on this site you tend to see the worst of it. Happy people dont always gravitate to venting and support sites.
I have certainly experienced some of the bad...but in some ways, I have also been enriched by the experience. I also was able to have a positive effect on two girls who have grown into independent women.
I will second this advice
Before I met DH I used to say “I would NEVER date a guy with kids! Why would I want to deal with somebody else’s kids if I’m not getting paid for it?”
Then I met DH and dumbly thought, “oh this isnt so bad.”
Now? I’m with OP on advising anyone who may wonder aloud, Don’t Do It. Run!
Funny how things come full circle.
It won’t end. The drama. The legal noose. The spying. The whispers. I’ll get better at winning the drama game by resisting the urge to play, but the game will continue on.
I’ve got it easier than a lot of you and I feel bad for you. I really do. But it doesn’t change the fact that if I had been smarter I could have had it even easier. I feel I have been robbed of my identity on my worst days. I feel my identity as a member of my community will forever be overshadowed by my status as a “second younger wife” or the “homewrecker” that I am not. (I started dating dh months after he filed for divorce. Barely knew him before).
And there are the good things that i can say have made all this suffering useful. Like my son with dh. Or my happy financial situation. But would they have happened otherwise in a nonstep situation?—yes.