New step mom to child whose mother had abandoned him
Hi everyone, this is my first post on this site. I’ve read some a few times before looking for advice, but finally decided to post my exact situation to hopefully get some advice.
So basically, I recently moved in with my fiancé and his 4 year old son. The boys bio mom was sort of in the picture when we first got together 2 years ago, but the passed 6 months she’s been non existent except for when she wants money from her own parents. For this she will find out when they have him for a weekend, and she will go over there (she’s not allowed to be with him alone-long story of drugs and jail) and she will see him for an hour and beg her parents for money, then leave. She has always been like this event before having a child, according to everyone, and my fiancé felt stuck with her once she got pregnant, he broke up with her when the boy was a year old. Anyways, lately it’s been getting worse, since she used to spend a few days a week with him and now it’s maybe an hour a month, until now, she hasn’t seen him in almost 2 months. There’s a lot more to the story, but basically she does not care about her son. She doesn’t even call to check up on him or answer my fiancé’s calls or texts.
A part of me is so glad she’s not around, so I don’t have to deal with her lies and my fiancé making excuses for her to me and his son, and her always trying to make our lives difficult and miserable. But the other part of me is a broken heart for the little boy. He is 4 and starting to understand things a lot more these days, he realizes that there’s someone very important in his life that is not around anymore, and it makes him act out and get very emotional when his father goes to work (he works shift work, so 2 weeks of nights, 2 weeks of days, etc), and he has to explain to him every time that he is coming back. He is literally up his “you know what” constantly, screams and cries every night at bed time for his daddy to come back to his room and not to leave him, makes my fiancé very upset so he keeps going back to his room 5 times a night, it’s all very exhausting. We are trying to instill a new bed time now that I am here, he used to go to bed whenever he wanted (they both lived with fiancés mother before the move), but I’m not letting that happen as I need time alone with my fiancé sometimes, and he needs a normal schedule before pre school starts.
I know this is a lot, but there is so much going on here and I’m at a loss. This is all new for me and I’ve got a lot on my plate with this new life and college and trying to be a house wife and balance the budget and everything. This child is so distraught from his mothers abandonment, but he is also very spoiled and used to getting everything he wants bc his father and grandparents want to make him happy all the time to make up for his crappy bio mom. I keep trying to explain that they are hurting him in the long run, turning him into a brat, not disciplining him. It’s taking a toll on me emotionally trying to help raise him when he’s been raised like this all his life.
Whats crazy is, I’ve been around a lot this whole time. I’ve spent a lot of days taking care of him on my own when my fiancé’s schedule first changed, before we moved in together. And from that time, the boy knows that he can’t get everything he wants from me like he can with everyone else, yet he still loves me like crazy and listens to me. He respects me more than anyone else in his family, bc I give him structure and rules and don’t take the crap. I am the reason he is potty trained, he will only listen to me when I tell him he needs to stop screaming and go to sleep. Yet they see this and still think spoiling him and letting him eat, do, say whatever he wants is helping him.
Am I wrong in all of this? I don’t know what to do at this point. My fiancé always agrees with me when I tell him all of this, but never actually tries things my way. I don’t understand anymore. I’m starting to regret this new life.
If you have more questions that I did not answer in this post, just comment and I’ll answer. I’ll take any advice I can.
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Comments
Do you feel to emotionally
Do you feel to emotionally invested to cut your losses and search a life with a child-free man? You're young still right? This isn't likely to change-and 14 more years at least of this? Yikes.
I am very emotionally
I am very emotionally invested. Before this relationship I was with another man for almost 7 years. It was a long slow spiral that ended horribly, he tried to cheat on my with members of my family, one of my best friends, and multiple other women who sought me out to tell me what he was trying to do. And who knows how many others. He just got really unlucky that none of them reciprocated (that I know of). I had a few flings in between the last guy and this one. We clicked so fast and we are so good together as friends and a couple. Everything was great until we moved in together and all of this started happening. I guess I’m just hoping that things will turn around after some time to adjust. It’s barely been a month since we moved in here, so it’s all very new. I’m just already very frustrated. Part of me feels like these 2 boys really need me on their lives to make it all better. My fiancé tells me all of the time that he couldn’t do this without me and how much he appreciates me, yet I still feel overwhelmed and depressed and angry.
Please note I am pointing out
Please note I am pointing out a logical fallacy many new SPs make:
You can't save your FH and his son. Your FH has to be the one to step up and save his son all on his own. This is a burden that you will put on yourself that you CANNOT fulfil. You can most certainly try, and you may succeed, but then you become the glue that holds them together and you'll end up with no support of your own. If you leave after that, they'll fall right back to where they were before.
Single parents have to make it work on their own. That doesn't mean a new spouse can't support those efforts, but they have to do the heavy lifting. You shouldn't be potty training SS; FH should. You shouldn't be discipling SS; FH should. Don't confuse lazy parenting with your FH needing you. He WANTS you becaus you allow him to continue to be a lazy parent. It may not be a conscious want, but I promise you it is there.
Seriously, start disengaging and put it back on FH to handle everything. Let him feed SS. Let him do SS's laundry. Let him discipline SS. If he doesn't and falls back to being mad at YOU that it isn't done, then you know what your purpose is to your FH.
I think the boy is young
I think the boy is young enough to be taught but you have to get your fiance on board. You're right that they are doing more harm than good in the long run. BUT - that BM will more than likely pop in and out of the kid's life, causing issues. You need to think about this long and hard and soon. The longer you're in the boy's life, the more he'll feel abandoned if you leave too.
Thank you for your advice. My
Thank you for your advice. My fiancé has said that he truly wishes she would stay gone bc every time she comes back after however long, it’s like re opening a wound for their son. And she just comes crashing into our lives disrupting everything and trying to make it all about her. Not her and her son. Just her. I guess I do need to think about all of this. I do want to give it some time, but I’m afraid that it will only get worse. It’s hard to be positive right now. I do understand that if I left it will hurt him as well, and that the longer I am around the more it will hurt. I just really am lost and scared but truly want to try.
Lots of adjustments and changes...
this little guy has lots of 'new and different' in his little world. Mom more or less poofs, he moves out of Grandma's into a home with daddy and you and house rules and ways of doing daily life are different. While it sounds as Dad is working at building one household and giving the child a stable home, in the meantime, the kid is going through lots of sense of being unstable. Kiddo needs a sense of stability and with all the new new new and different different different it's going to take a while.
I recommend getting the child into a constant daily routine of Monday though Friday he goes to pre-school (or some learning environment mix of daycare). He needs to be with his peers. He needs a set wake-up, get the day going, busy day of learning/playing and socializing and then being picked up to come home to his own routine of playing, dining, bath time, story time or whatever settles him in and finally sleep.
You , too, need this time. Being a SAHSM to this four year old may seem like the thing to do right now, but IMO it isn't. It isn't good for the child and it certainly isn't good for you. You will rapidly resent being stuck with a kid all day/all evening. Being a homebody is fine, if that is your lifestyle and can afford to be. But even with that you need 'me' time. You need to start getting out and learning to enjoy your new area. You might be surprised to find just how relaxing going to a city park, finding a bench under a tree and just sitting and reading. Or maybe your 'Zen' will come in your backyard doing some gardening or kneading and baking a loaf of bread.
You're going to find going from not living with a child to living with a child 24/7 takes much adjusting to (just as it does for this child).
Welcome to StepTalk.
You can be the greatest
You can be the greatest stepmother in the world and provide all the structure, support, and love that your body and soul can produce...
...But you can NEVER make up for a parent who refuses to discipline a child and who spoils a child.
Unless your FH steps up and actually parents, you're going to have an uphill battle until the child becomes an adult. You will constantly argue with your FH. You will constantly feel overworked and underappreciated. You will eventually hit a point where you disengage entirely and let the chips fall where they may, or you have to leave to save your sanity.
No relationship can survive with only one partner putting in 100% of the work. Step life is absolutely no different. Your best choices for your sanity are to either accept that this is how your FH will parent and allow him to do it his way without your input (disengagement) or realize that you two have very different views on how your relationship, roles, and homestead will run and that difference will ultimately end your relationship.
You seem to have the blinders off about your FH and his family. You realize that the issue is with the PARENTS and not the CHILD, which is 80% of most issues. If you are already hating your life, please listen to your gut and run. You can love someone with all your heart, but that doesn't they are a good match for you.
Being abandoned by his bio
Being abandoned by his bio mother at such a young age can cause permanent trauma-based issues. And having BM float in and out will just make it worse. This child will need extensive connected parenting. It is SO hard to parent these broken kids. They live in survival mode, where no logic prevails. Unless you went into this relationship with the intent to raise a seriously special needs child, and both you and your SO are committed to seeking the help he needs and prepared to work ten times the effort of parenting a non-special needs child, you should step out. Find a non-complicated relationship.
He's four. He's at a good age
He's four. He's at a good age for play therapy. It would give him an outlet for his feelings and dad could get some parenting tips.
Look up Reactive Attachment
Look up Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Welcome, I am a new SM to my
Welcome, I am a new SM to my SS 9. I also have a situation where his mom is not in the picture and rarely has ever been. He has no memory of her. He knows she is out there, has seen a picture but that is really it. I came into his life two years ago when he was 7. I have now been full time parent to him for almost a year now. I can tell you my experience. The ages are different but some things are still the same.
First, I thought he not having his mother around was a reason for his behavior. No you can not always blame everything on that. My SS was pretty spoiled and was being raised by his g-parents, my SO and help form his aunt. It was a mess and when I came along things changed a lot because they had to and SO was fully on board. Rules in our house were different, SS resisted at times and does dumb things but this is because he was spoiled. It is the same for you guy sorry. He is still pretty young and has never known what it is like to have a steady stable mom. His attitude is not that. It is probably coming from all the changes in his life and everything going on around him.
How old are you? My SO had never lived on his own, he was still living with his parents as a single dad relying on them to help out. He did not even pay rent or give them money. Partly his fault but they did not make him do it either, they let a lot of things go. When we moved in together I made it very clear I would not be doing everything for him like his parents did. I pay the mortgage on the house and my bills. He pays for everything else, utilities, groceries, daycare, activities, all the other stuff. He had to learn to budget and figure out his money and spending habits. I was not going to baby him with that stuff.
There are times I parent SS and deal with him and in the beginning I did it more than him. He does it plenty too. He does it more and it is equal in our house, it took time to get to this point. There are times I say you deal with SS, I am done your turn. You have to be a team or trust me things will get tough and very strained.
Last thing and other people here did point it out. You SS has memories and still some interaction with his BM. If/When she grows up and realizes she has a child, she may decide to be very involved and raise that kid and try to get custody, It is very possible in your situation. You need to understand that, and really accept it. I have I knew all this going into the relationship and fully understand that being a step-parent has the chance of being the best thing in the world but can also break my heart in the end. My SS loves me, he follows me around the house, he calls me mom to his friends and around strangers. At home I am Ashmar. I also know his BM could pop up anytime and cause my whole world to crumble and fall apart. I also know maybe she wont and maybe he will want to know more one day and seek her out. I have no control over that or what she says to him. You have to understand all this going into this relationship. You have to be ok with all this and if you are not and you think you can not handle it, you need to re-evaluate if this is the best thing for you in your life.
Last things if you plan on having children with this man, you need to understand you will have to explain to him. You will also need to understand that it can be a challenge as well. You will have a different bond with your bio child and SS. You have to talk about these things with your FH and come up with plans and discuss all the what if and make sure you are on the same page.
Best of luck
Thank you for your comment. I
Thank you for your comment. I was really hoping someone like you, in my same sort of situation, would reply.
I am 27 years old. FH is about to turn 29. He, like yours, also never really lived on his own. He moved out for maybe a year once, before he had a child, and ended up back at his mothers. I, only the other hand, moved out on my own at 16 for the first time. Over the years I have been back and forth between living with different friends and/or boyfriends and my parents when things didn’t work out. So I know how to take care of myself and run a home. He does not. He knows he has a lot to learn, as do I with being a parent.
We really are trying to work together, but a lot of the times I think he just gives in to old habits with his parenting bc it is easy. I keep telling him that you can’t always take the easy route, bc easy does not usually mean it’s good for you. He agrees, starts to change a little, then falls back so quickly, and I have to step in a be the “bad guy”. I think at this point I feel like I’m just going to have to deal with being the bad guy, for the child’s own good. But I’m afraid of how that will turn out in the future, but then again, when I started potty training him it was a nightmare. I felt like it was going to scar he and I both emotionally. Yet, he doesn’t hate me. He respects me and listens to me and doesn’t try to argue with me nearly as much as he does with everyone else. So I’m thinking the fact that I’m the only person giving him discipline and stability and rules is making him respect me and like me in a way. Idk.
But with the bio mom, I understand what you’re saying. I really do wish she was a good person. I wish we could all get along. I know families with step children and they all get along and do things together as a family with both sets of parents and step parents. They are all friends and everything seems so easy for them. Makes me jealous. I would love to trust her with her own child, and be able to chat with her about him and this and that. But I can’t. Bc I know how selfish she is and how much she has hurt these two guys that I love so much. But I know that it doesn’t matter what I do, I am not his mother, and I never will be, no matter how much my FH wants me to be. So when she does come back every time, I will just have to find comfort in my FH and possibly any children of my own I have. I really do love this little boy, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t care so much.
I do plan on having children of my own. And we have talked about it a little. How we are both going to have to try not to treat any of the kids differently, especially me. I know that it is true that I will love my own children differently, and I will have to be careful of that. I want to say that I am raising him like I would my own, but I don’t know if that’s true bc I don’t have my own kids yet.
All I can say is that I’m trying. Trying to make both of their lives better, and trying to have a family. I want all of us to be happy together. I do not usually give up easily on anything or anyone in my life. But this is so different from anything I expected to go through. So I guess I just have to take it one step at a time, and try not to lose my sanity along the way. And drink lots of wine on the rough nights.
I would love to be in touch with you! Is there a way to sort of friend request on here? I feel like you could help me sometimes, and I could also try to help you as well.
Your Mom is right OP
If you were my daughter I would ask that you look at everything for the way it IS, not the way you want them to be.
Boyfriend has excepted that YOU have decided to take over a parental role. OH,,,no...that is where you made a huge mistake.
Your not even married to him. I mean that with compassion. You can say your his fiance until the cow jumps over the moon but the fact remains, your playing house. You gave him a free nanny, free book keeper, free baby sitter and free potty trainer, free child counselor, free domestic servant and I bet a free uber and free chef.
Your mother is right. I would have told my daughters the very same thing.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT there is a reason you are starting to regret your current situation. BECAUSE it was a wrong decision.
Move out, or he moves out. Tell BF, hey it's ME not you. This way he cant argue with you.
Clean slate and to no look back.
May your life be joyful!!
Our BM ditched 9 months ago,
Our BM ditched 9 months ago, only appears when she needs to use them for her own selfish things. It's hard on the skids. I don't have a lot of time to post about it right now. But if you want to PM me I'd be more than happy to talk to you
Same situation
My situation started out very similar to yours....
When I met my now husband, my stepson was three years old. His bio mom would come get him on Wednesday’s and the weekends. Then she started only coming to get him on the weekends, then every other weekend, then it started to be when she felt like it which could be once a month, every other month, etc. .. My husband finally put his foot down and said she could come get him every other weekend and if she missed her weekend she would have to wait two more weeks to get him again. It then started to get very scarce when she would actually call to come get him at all. My husband finally filed for full custody and she didn’t even show up to court at all! My stepson is now 10 years old and his bio mom has not called to see him or even talk to him in over TWO YEARS.
As for me and my stepson, we have had a lot of trials along the way but the “episodes” are starting to be less and less. I call them episodes because they would come and go where he would misbehave, wouldn’t want to listen, and/or be in tears about missing his bio mom. My husband is very good with sitting down and talking with him to ease his pain and answer questions. As to why she doesn’t come around I’m not so sure. She has two older kids and a younger son, (which I don’t think she has either) but none of them are in my stepson’s life. Sometimes I think maybe she feels he is better off with us, but who knows. It’s not like she does drugs or anything like that -that I know of. She lives in the same town and has a great job.
I know I may not have answered any questions you may have, but i get what you’re going through and it is hard. I just wanted to share my story I guess. I feel like even though I’ve been the one raising him the last seven years and he calls me mom, he still longs for her (which I get), and sometimes I feel like he resents me thinking I’m the reason her and his dad aren’t together any more. (Which we didn’t meet until after they had split). Like I said though, it is starting to get easier and I think he is starting to realize she isn’t going to be around. Our child care provider even heard him talking about how he hates his real mom to other kids. We had to sit down and have a talk with him after that, but he’s angry which is very understandable. He used to talk about her all the time and now it’s very rare he brings her up. My husband and I now have two kids together and my stepson and 5 year old son are super close. I guess I can say it’s going to be a long and bumpy road but it can also be rewarding by gaining a son.