(Long, long, long emotional, hormone-laden blog about my recent thoughts on step parenting...I certainly welcome any of your thoughts/encouragement.)

My world is changing. I used to be a full-force stepmom. When I first found StepTalk, I chose the screen name “SteppingUp” because I really felt like I would find every way possible to be the best stepmom in the world! I would have the best of both worlds – a SO that loved me and loved how “good” I was, and two skids whom I loved as if they were my own. I felt like I would continue to “step up” my “game” as a step parent, gradually becoming someone the skids loved as a parental figure. Maybe I was a bit naïve. Maybe I hadn’t been burned yet by watching the BM hurting her own children. Maybe I just had more energy. Maybe it was just because having my own children seemed a few years away, and I felt like this was perfect practice for being a “real” mom. My old philosophy about step parenting was that the more adults in a child’s life that love him/her, the better for that child. I still agree with that statement but it doesn’t seem to be my motivation in step parenting anymore.

Since becoming pregnant, I’ve had a hard time determining whether my changing feelings towards step parenting is because I’m simply hormonal due to the pregnancy, or because my perspectives have changed now that I’m having my OWN child, or if this would naturally have happened regardless of the pregnancy, due to things going on in the life and times of my little blended family.

I’m the type of person who likes to know where my feelings come from…it somehow gives me a sense of validation. But I can’t seem to pinpoint where these feelings come from.
Basically, I’ve found myself tired of step parenting. I struggle between wanting my old gusto back and my in-the-moment feelings of lethargy (disengagement) in the entire step parenting role. I have begun to dread the days/nights we have the skids, especially the times when we have both SS3 and when we take SD5 (SS’s older sister who is not my fiance’s child). I let my fiancé run the show for the most part, whereas I used to love reading books and playing with the skids. Now it seems I would rather find something else to do. My moment of thought-provoking recognition in all of this was one night last week when I went an entire evening/night without touching either child. I suddenly felt like the worst “parent” in the world. Not a hug, not a snuggle on the couch, not a pat on the back, not a tuck-in goodnight, nothing. I felt horrible. That is not the parental figure I WANT to be…so why did I let it get like that?

And I’m generally a new step parent, compared to most of you. I feel very guilty for “already” feeling this way. I feel like I’m weak or like I’m not as good of a person as I thought I was. I am afraid that my fiancé will one day soon look at me and realize that all the good things I used to add to his life as a parent are no longer there. He used to tell me all the time what a good parent I am (or will be) and that he’s so thankful to have someone like me in his life, who truly cares for the skids.

Part of me wonders if maybe it’s just my mind re-working my emotions and making “room” for my child-to-be. I have hope that once the baby is born, things will go back partially to where they were. I will have that strong love and desire to be a good parent to every child in my life, not just my own.

But I fear that I am going to disengage even more and put all of my love into my own child, and will even further leave SS and SD in the dust. I don’t want that because it’s not fair to the skids…they’re just kids. But I’m afraid I won’t have control over it and I’ll end up being one of those classic step mothers that pushes her skids out of her life the moment she has her own child.

And here's why I wonder if all of this would have happened naturally without me being pregnant:
The situation with SD5 has become more confusing, as her real/bio father is becoming increasingly involved in her life. Now more than ever I feel like we’re treated like babysitters (with no pay!). Add another parent into the mix to be disciplining and raising her differently than we would, and it makes it all that much harder. We feel like instead of adding to her life in a positive way, that we’re now just causing more chaos in it. SD5 has been going to kindergarten this year, which has caused a lot of changes in the behaviors of her younger brother, my fiance’s child.
SS3 is becoming more defiant with his newfound independence from his sister, and therefore is more difficult to handle. He’s been more of a handful than ever before. We keep telling ourselves it’s just a phase. Then there’s the fact that SS3 is balancing in a place between stepping forward into self-efficacy and being a baby. He’s babied at his mother’s house and his maternal grandmother’s house, but we teach him to do things on his own at our house. Therefore it seems he’s gotten to pick and choose which things he’ll do on his own and which things he’ll be difficult over. We get him putting on all his clothes and brushing his own teeth just fine and then he’s with BM for two days and we start over. We are working on night time potty training and he would rather wear a pull up because no one else (BM or her parents) is willing to work on it with him. No one, but us, pushes him forward with learning either. He needs to learn how to count past 12 and start recognizing letters and he easily gives up and causes a ruckus when we even try, because others in his life just let him give up. He’s at an age where he’s learning whose buttons he can push and which way, yet he’s also confused I’m sure, which leads to acting out.
Let’s add in all the times that BM drives us crazy because she puts herself first before her own children, and we end up picking up her slack. Yet she seems to get away with this act that she’s mother of the year to some people. It causes a lot of resentment/jealousy in us that we are struggling to make ends meet and she’s saving up for a vacation and a boob job (to be determined, we have some evidence this is what she’s saving up for).

The other thing that makes me feel guilty is that out of all of this, I know it could be worse. I know many of you StepTalkers have it MUCH worse than I do. I am certainly thankful that I have a loving fiancé and that I actually can voice all of this with him. I plan to do so tonight. I’m just trying to sort this all out and figure out if it’s ME that’s the problem or if it’s the situation. And if it's ME, I need to figure out how to get back to where I was...because truthfully I WANT to be that person, full of energy and life and love and give all of that to the skids AND my child.

I’m hoping that the kinks will get ironed out after we get settled in with the new baby, and that being a stepparent will become easier again.