DH is married to sd
I swear this man went from normal to insane the moment he learned he was going to be a grandpa. He goes to sd's dr. appointments with her, they are picking out names, they are researching water births -oh yeah!-, he plans to attend Lamaze classes with her, he found her a pregnant yoga class to take, they go window shopping for baby stuff and plan what to buy once they know what "they" are having. They plan to get double so that some can stay at our house. In the mean time my boys and I are left to float in the wind and ignored. This isn't what I signed up for and I let dh know last night. I told him to go live with his wife and play daddy to this new kid because if things don't change we will get divorced. It's not once a week they get together it is every single day he is there or she is here talking about this damn baby. Did you know she is the first woman ever to get pregnant and we should all be astonished by her, he needs to quit this shit.
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Comments
I wouldn't live that way and
I wouldn't live that way and neither should you. Don't threaten divorce. Act on it. Things will NOT improve once the baby is born. You have my condolences.
I don't want to give money
I don't want to give money away. This is what he said. I am jealous of a young mother struggling to make it and her dad who is helping her out. He said I should be proud of him. I loled
He isn't interested in being
He isn't interested in being a daddy while he is young and in college.
She inherited money when bm
She inherited money when bm died so she is taking time off from life till the baby goes to school. She is going to take online classes for her degree and when she has to go in dh has volunteered to babysit. She doesn't want day care workers to raise her child. Puke!
Wow what a great benefit she
Wow what a great benefit she has. Hope she uses it wisely. Your DH needs to assume the role of Grandpa, not husband and father to the new child.
He should have thought of
He should have thought of that before he went out in the rain without a rain coat. I sure hope you guys have plan to make him pay for his half of this bargain. Get that ball rolling NOW.
And this would be the proper
And this would be the proper role of the father. Helping her pursue child support and supporting her efforts to get this young man to stand up and participate in the raising of his child. Dad seems very eager to cut baby dad out and take his place. Ick.
simply pack up his cloths and
simply pack up his cloths and ship it to her place..... then change the locks.
file for divorce and go on with your life, this is going to get worse and worse, not better...
water birth at home... is Grandpa going to catch the baby then
Let's just say I wouldn't be
Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised. I'm not sure if I can tell people my husband and I divorced because he was looking in her vagina.
I wouldn't actually say that.
I wouldn't actually say that. I am venting here, on a place for stepmothers to vent that my dh may be in the room or even catching the baby from his daughters twat. That isn't normal and it is gross.
ditto. it's not sexual, it's
ditto. it's not sexual, it's a matter of modesty and privacy. h3ll i wouldn't even want dh to catch a glimpse of it in that condition!
and no, i do not have nor will have any children, however i was present both times a former very close friend delivered. her husband stayed next to her, holding her hand.
^^THIS^^
^^THIS^^
It's his house.
It's his house.
dang - well I would've packed
dang - well I would've packed my stuff and moved out then...
"simply pack up his cloths
"simply pack up his cloths and ship it to her place..... then change the locks"
LOLOLOLOL
She can't lock that man outnof his house. The OP and her sons moved into her husband's home. If anyone leaves, it will be her and her boys.
The wife acted like a bit of
The wife acted like a bit of an ass when the mom died.
that was one of my first
that was one of my first thoughts :sick:
This girl will never grow.
This girl will never grow. She hasn't had to put any effort into making peace with or becoming responsible with the baby's father. She hasn't had to develop peer support network. Why should she? Daddy fulfills all her needs.
And yes it is disgusting that he may be planning to deliver the baby. Even doctors don't operate on their own kids. Why does someone untrained think he should do this on his own kid? In an emergency, you do what you have to do. But when there are tons of resources available and you plan to do this? Crazy. Should he perform her breast exams, too? It would make more sense. Lay people can do this procedure and it is not a sexualized use of the breast. Why not call dad for that? Why not your boss? why not your neighbor's husband? Because some things are completely inappropriate and this is one of them. So is what dad is planning.
Yes, I do see this situation getting worse. Sorry, op.
I also consider myself an expert in having only one living parent since I've been in that category since I was 10 years old. This is not normal and it using a tragedy as an excuse to vastly enmesh and invade boundaries and abandon healthy roles.
No way I would in HELL stay
No way I would in HELL stay in this situation! I was a young unwed pregnant 21 year old and got zero support and help from my parents. I was forced to figure it out and I did.
SD was adult enough to have sex and now she needs to figure it all out. If your DH wants her to be his mini-wife , I suggest to divorce him. Your situation seems to be going downhill fast.
I truly do not get the issue.
I truly do not get the issue. This is his kids and grandchild, of course he is excited. I don't think any of this is any different than what moms have been doing with their pregnant daughters for years.
No...sorry. It's way
No...sorry. It's way different when it's a dad vs a mom. It just is. By definition, moms have been through the labor and delivery process, so their experience and insight is important. Dads haven't, and it's icky. By all means, be excited about the baby that's on the way. But looking up water birth options? Going to all appointments? Those are things that couples do together, not fathers and daughters. I would be grossed out and creeped out, too.
My best friend's mom died when she was in college, and she's incredibly close to her dad...but he didn't pull any of this with any of her pregnancies. He was thrilled to be a grandpa but had no interest in playing the husband role for my friend.
I even think this would be taking it too far if it WERE the mom and not the dad. My mom was pretty involved with my sister's first pregnancy because her husband was deployed and my sister was young and scared, but she didn't go to EVERY appointment or try to do everything with her and for her. I don't know any mom who has signed up for a Lamaze class with her daughter, for instance. That's just weird.
"Here's a novel idea, ensure
"Here's a novel idea, ensure the child's father does the right thing so she can get child support."
Exactly so. This would be an excellent use of his time and his emotions. He should also be advising his daughter the baby needs to know his/her father and give her advice and support on how to enter into a mature parenting relationship with this young man.
Instead, he seems all too happy to have the young fellow disappear and to step into his shoes. Very misguided, to say the least.
Yes! Where are the father's
Yes! Where are the father's rights and baby's best interests to be supported by same and to have some contact with him?
I think it would be wrong for
I think it would be wrong for husband to push for this to be a family thing. His daughter may not consider the OP and her sons family.
Can you imagine the uproar if a father tried to push his wife into treating her pregancy like a family thing in an effort to include his children?
I think the OP shot herself in the foot long ago. She was hell bent on pushing the SD to the side, but her efforts may have backfired.
I just get the feeling that
I just get the feeling that the OP wants the SD (and her child) out of the way so that her husband can focus on her boys.
And why doesn't she have
And why doesn't she have those female friends? Dad filling her every waking moment with companionship and a supply truck just might have something to do with it.
When I was just out of college a close friend ended up in the family way and she turned to me. I was in the delivery room with her. And yes I stood by her head. Friend's dad was several hundred miles away. She could have gone there but she stayed in college area and built her new life.
Whoever is going to be the
Whoever is going to be the delivery support should be the one in lamaze class. Sounds like that's dad in this instance, which makes sense.
As far as doctor appointments, why not? Especially when he's delivery support.
It seems so many of us stepmoms want to talk about how dad's should be equal to mom's until something like this comes up. Then they want to name-call and say it's weird, or elude to incest. It's disappointing.
Lamaze class and doctor
Lamaze class and doctor appointments are different than helping to deliver a kid. Speaking of appointments, why can't pretty pregnant princess go by herself? Asshat went to exactly two appointments combined during my pregnancies. I didn't need him to be there, I was pregnant, FFS, not terminally ill.
Support as in stand at the head of the bed and hold her hand - yes.
Catch the baby? Nope - and I don't care if it's mom or dad.
This skid has cut the baby daddy out of the whole process. Perhaps for good reason, who knows, but that does not mean that dad steps in and becomes baby daddy.
I have NO desire to see my daughter's hoo ha and she has no desire for me to be in the room. Totally fine by me - I had two deliveries and had three kids. I know how it works. I don't need to see it anymore.
Yep - Asshat was out of state
Yep - Asshat was out of state on engagements Monday through Thursday, so he wasn't coming to any appointments.
He didn't shop with me either, and I was totally fine with it.
Sigh,you are not everyone
Sigh,you are not everyone else. The way you feel is not the way that everyone else feels. That doesn't make them wrong just as it does not make your feelings wrong. It's what works for them. Whether that means who is in the delivery room or who does the catching or who goes to the doctor's appointments.
It's personal preference. My preference, if I was a single mom is that baby daddy would be nowhere near the delivery room. I would choose someone(s) who would support me and who cares about me. Because that's all that it's about, at least in my view
As you are not everyone else.
As you are not everyone else. As the way that you feel is not the way that everyone else feels. That doesn't make you right or wrong.
Again, dad in the room, cool. Dad literally all up in his daughter's box? Not cool.
Lastly - it seems as though most comments are more like mine than yours, so there's that.
Moms have been going to
Moms have been going to Lamaze classes with their daughters for years?
Moms have been sitting in a tub during a water birth for years?
There is a YUGE difference between me - an excited grandparent to be who is buying clothes and hanging out with my daughter - and this dude, who is literally playing the role of baby daddy.
I don't go to appointments with my daughter. I haven't even discussed her birth plan because it's none of my business. The only thing I know is that my DD26 and SIL want NO ONE in the room when she gives birth and only wants me, my husband, her MIL and FIL at the hospital. And this is from two kids who have 9 siblings between them.
All of which is fine with me.
Nope - no way would I have a
Nope - no way would I have a water birth.
I just can't believe how many people are saying it's perfectly cool for dad to be this involved in the birth.
Merry even told me I only think it's gross because it involves a SD. NOPE - it's gross because dad's shouldn't be in relationships with their daughters.
Eeewwww
Ick
So gross
Right????
Right???? :sick:
was it a little kiddie
was it a little kiddie plastic pool? shouldn't it have been deeper? Babies are slippery little suckers, what if she just skipped across the tiny pool like a rock??
(No subject)
A friend gave birth in her
A friend gave birth in her backyard in a little plastic pool.
That would be a sight to see, on a leisurely neighborhood stroll. I'm going to keep a look out on my next walk!
My opinion... The granddad
My opinion... The granddad needs to step back. Supporting your child is one thing. Doing so much is another. Granddad has stepped up so much that there is no room for the dad to rethink his initial response and become involved.
We have no idea what the dad of this baby said or feels. His initial reaction may or may not be the same as now. He needs to be given the chance to step up. He shouldn't be counted out. Saying you didn't want to be a dad while you are in college does not mean you never want to be involved.
That is so true. There is a
That is so true. There is a sign at ss's school that says "When you do something for your child they could do for themselves you deprive them of the opportunity to grow." I think the sign is actualy more pithy than that but that's the basic meaning.
Granddad is depriving this young family the opportunity to grow together, whatever form that may take.
And what about the future men in this young woman's life? Many here know what it's like to marry or whatever a parent whose child has been taught to think of a grandparent as a parent. It becomes impossible for the new family to form at all. This grampa is setting up that situation for his daughter to never be able to have a real adult life.
Bingo. Wrote my response to
Bingo.
Wrote my response to Merry before reading this comment...but this is the exact situation that played out in my sister's life after my mom was overly-involved in her pregnancy. Her concern also stemmed from 1.) Death of the other parent and 2.) Young age of my sister, and 3.) Absence of the father (through deployment). ALL of us siblings told her she was going overboard, but she refused to listen. She would do the same for any of us! (Our response...we wouldn't want her to!) But this particular sister has always been a bit of a princess, and she lazed around and let my mom wait on her hand and foot. She moved home for the pregnancy and didn't pay any rent...despite the fact that she was receiving a $1000 a month stipend for housing from the Marines while her husband was deployed. All this while watching my mom struggling to make ends meet working two jobs. The whole situation really distanced the rest of us siblings from her and from my mom for quite a while...and it has ended up hampering my sister in so many ways. I feel like she has just started to really grow up in the past year and relationships are being repaired.
I guess my point to Merrywey is...we can disagree on what's normal and what's weird for dads, but the fact is your other relationships don't grind to a halt just because one of your kids gets pregnant. It's fine to be excited. It's not fine to totally neglect your wife...and it's really setting your daughter up for future failure and disappointment.
Wow! I read each of these
Wow! I read each of these posts, interesting!
To each his own, but I didn't want my Dad or Mom in the vicinity. Even if I had to do it alone, which I did most of it alone (those were the ole' days), it was all worth the effort in the end.
Like I said, to each their own.
I do believe there are extended issues here, some understood and some misunderstood.
It's like forbidden fruit, the more drama made of father/daughter relationships, the closer they will become. I think this is the real issue here.
Just my take on it.
I didn't catch if any other
I didn't catch if any other SM's with grandkids replied or not. But my SO has 4 grandkids from his 2 daughters and 2 from his step daughter. So in all 6 pregnancies, labors and deliveries. He never once went to a Dr appointment with them nor was he in the room when they gave birth. Never went shopping with them or picked out baby names or anything like that. That is our "normal" and I don't think it is right or wrong just what is normal to us.
What the OP describes is strange to me because of the enmeshment of her DH and his DD. It just seems strange that she is involving her father so much but with the Bio Dad not involved and with her BM that has passed away. I could kinda see she would turn to him for support but what OP describes is way over the top even for that.
For me, it isn't the amount
For me, it isn't the amount of 'togetherness' DH and SD have. It is that it bothers OP, that she is lonely in her marriage and that he doesn't care. If he doesn't care about that, he probably doesn't care about anything else with regard to her, and that would be an awful existence.
Gross and disgusting. My
Gross and disgusting. My only words.