Question about Christmas decorating
Given the situation that I described in my last blog, I have a question about Christmas decorating. I really do not want to put up SS's stocking or ornaments on the tree. I haven't discussed it with DH, but I'm sure he's figuring it out as I decorate. He possibly might be ok about it. I just don't know what his family may say if they come over and notice his stocking is obviously missing. I'm just so extremely stressed given everything recently that I cannot handle more BS and will likely go off irrationally if someone says something.
Similarly, we just moved into a new house and we have so many picture collage frames with SS in them. I want to replace his pictures with ones of us, baby girl, and the dogs. While DH understands where I'm coming from, is it wrong to remove any traces of his son from our house? Since it is a new house and we are now closer to where they live, his family may be visiting soon. As it stands, our marriage is hanging on by a thread. Not to mention he won't be here on weekends to be with SS and my mom pays our rent. Basically this is my house and it may be only a matter, before he moves out, so should I just not even discuss it with him and just decorate the house and for the holidays as I see fit?
If you haven't read my last post, don't comment until you do because without knowing what happened, I seem like a total bitch lol.
- SW2613's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I wish my home was a refuge!
I wish my home was a refuge! I haven't felt safe or happy in my home in years.
Omg I can't tell you how good
Omg I can't tell you how good it feels to be completely understood and my decisions supported even if it's just online. Thank you all.
Dh is talking out of both
Dh is talking out of both sides if his mouth. He tells me he know that ss has serious issued and that baby girl needs to be protected. However, in an argument the other night he said he thinks I hate SS si much that I saw what I wanted to see. He has since recanted, but I don't fully believe him. SS, his behavior, and dh's refusal to see ss for what he is and discipline him has always been a constant argument so I just can't truly believe that he has finally seen the light.
I talked to one of his sisters, and she said we need to do what we think is right and that clearly something is wrong with him. Dh talked to his dad and he said "I'm not surprised he'd do something like that. There's always been something just not right." His brother has been letting them stay there and even let ss sleep over a few days last week so dh got to be home with us. All of his brother's kids are grown up, so there's no kids to worry a out there. I am best friends with dh's cousin's wife, and they have always been our biggest supporters. They have witnessed and she has helped me through everything he has put us through. They have always felt uncomfortable around him and especially with him around their daughters.
His other sister has always been a real c*nt to us. For the sake of drama, she sided with BM in the custody case in the beginning even though they always thought she was a nut job that they begged him to divorce for years. She even called us on our honeymoon and said she was going to go with BM to court to get ss taking away from us. She still talks to BM from time to time, so she probably will find some way to make me out to be a bitch. I shouldn't have to defend keeping my daughter away from someone who touched her vagina, and that is exactly what I'm going to say as I either walk out of their house or kick them out of mine.
I am surprised you are still
I am surprised you are still thinking about staying. You need to take your parents up on their offer and let them help you start fresh on your own. Your DD is your top priority.
Based on your previous blog
Based on your previous blog post, you can decorate your house however you want, and burn anything that belongs to SS. You should definitely, seriously consider asking you DH to leave if he cannot support you in this unspeakable situation. He should be protecting you and your daughter from this abomination, not making excuses for the molester.
Sounds like your DH has a whole lot of denial going on. More than likely it's because he sees his son as a reflection of himself. And to admit that his son is damaged, means to admit that he's failed as a father and that he is somehow damaged too. But ultimately all of that is bs, your DH needs to get over his attachment issues. You need to protect your daughter first. And if your DH can't or isn't willing to do that, then you need to ask him to leave.
And you are certainly under no obligation to keep up holiday appearances for DH's family. Hell, I don't allow pics and whatnot of the skid up on our walls and the only problem with skidly is that he's annoying and looks exactly like the BM. However, we're not big on photos anyway so it usually escapes notice.
I hope that everything works out for you.
Who wants to acknowledge the
Who wants to acknowledge the one person who can carry his family name and pass on his gene pool is a reject? DH is still in denial. He cannot see his son is damaged goods whether via his mothers treatment or just crapshoot genetics.
If anything maybe tell your DH that you can see he is hurting. Who wants their child to be mentally ill or a threat to society? You don't. You would love it if he wasn't like this. But the truth is he is. And as long as DD is unable to take care of herself she is not to be near her half brother. SS is trouble and has already made it clear he has no impulse control.
If you were alone on the weekend (and all week) as in DH leaves you for good, what is to stop him allowing SS around his daughter in a moment of stupidness and believing SSs claptrap lying remarks? I mean at this stage DH wants to believe his son can be 'cured' or 'healed'. Sadly is doesn't seem possible. But DH doesn't want to know that. He wants you to see SS is 'getting better'.
Decorating? .. Keep the stocking away in a closet. If DH wants his son to have it he can take it to him. SS will get the message he has no home with you. Tell DH you want to remove his pictures and you will put them in a photo album for DH. If he gets snotty about it remind him that if you were a real bitch you would burn all of them. But instead you are getting an album or a photo box from Michaels for the pictures.
If any of the relatives ask, just tell them SS has mental health issues that make it dangerous for him to live at home. Let them draw their own conclusion...
Your marriage is going to be
Your marriage is going to be hanging on how DH responds, if he is able to stick his head in the sand and believe his son is the victim here and everyone is ganging up on him then your marriage is over. If your husband is honestly able to recognise his son needs help then he is going to need alot of your support but here there are two children, the right thing needs to be done by his son (professional help) and to your daughter (protection), in a sense you can spin it that you are also protecting SS by not having him in the house. You are not giving him the ability to repeat previous issues but be very careful how you word that one.
Also, I hate to be the negative thinker but if you are debating a split then please seek legal advice in regards to how you would be able to protect your daughter when she is with her dad. Ultimately you are going to need a restraining order or some clause to stipulate SS cannot be around your daughter, so you need to find out if the current behaviour pattern is enough. I know you shouldnt have to fight to protect your daughter but the last thing you want is to go through all this, your marriage fail and then find out you are unable to protect her during dads visitation time and be back to square one with her at risk.
I really feel for you and whilst I can be irritated at your husband for sticking his head in the sand I also have an amount of sympathy for him. He is having to live two lives, one with you as a family unit and one with his son who he cannot walk out on because everyone else already has. Its a sucky situation
But in regards to christmas decorations, why not box up the stocking and SSs decoration to give to DH to give to SS so he can have it in his room where he stays during the week?
The photos, yep time for an update, maybe put the photos of SS all together in an album to give to SS for christmas or to keep aside for when hes older.
We have had conversations
We have had conversations about what would happened if we split up. I told him he can see her as much as he wants even from the time he gets off work til she goes to bed and no child support to sweeten the deal. However, there will be no overnights and no interaction with ss. Not only is that for her safety but also because I have tried everything to make this marriage work so I don't deserve to lose any time with her. He said he wouldn't fight me. He didn't even want to fight for ss and only did so at my urging after I learned what BM was like. I basically fought the custody case myself so I know how everything works. Our state is very pro-mom, and I have enough documentation of ss's issues and dh's denial/lack of discipline to it. I know the pediatrician would gladly help as she has voiced her concerns about ss for years. I'm not worried about that.