Hello everyone! I've been lurking on this site for a number of years now and I have a feeling I'm going to be coming on here more often if my situation doesn't get better. I apologise for the long post.

I have been with my DH for over 10 years, married for 8 years and he is the love of my life. He came with a SD12 (now 22),SS10 (now 20) and SD6 (now 16) while I came with a BS4 (now 14) and a DD3 (now 13 ). DH adopted them 5 years ago.

DH was divorced from BM for over 2 years before I came along and I had just left an abusive marriage and was in the process of a divorce.

My SKs have been anti "superdoormat" since the very day we met. I've tried everything possible to get on with them only to have my efforts thrown back in my face. I told myself that they are only indifferent to me because of what I represent, not WHO I am, so I tried my best not to take it personally. SD22 cut all ties with DH after he adopted my kids. Then 17, she threw a fit and threatened to never speak to DH again if he went through with the adoption. DH laughed in her face and told her that she was not going to tell him what to do as she was a child and he was a grown ass man. She kept her word. They have not seen nor spoken to each other in over 5 years. DH acts like he doesn't miss her but I know he does.

SD22 and SS20 are both in college. SD22 is an intern at a law firm while SS20 has a part time job. DH and I were not invited to SD22's high school graduation and again, he acted like it didn't bother him.

Unlike SD22, SS20 was semi decent, I knew the kid didn't like me but he was respectful. Although he was equally pissed about DH's decision to adopt my kids, he and DH got on really well and It looked like they were well on their way to building a strong, healthy father - son relationship....so we thought. It was the day before SS20's 18th birthday when he called DH to tell him he never wanted to see him again and that he shouldn't bother coming to his High school graduation. All of this without even giving DH an explanation as to why. *sigh*

Which brings me to my actual dilemma. It looks like SD16 is also getting ready to hop on the first train out of Daddy's life as well! She is a very hostile young lady. She won't even converse with me when she comes over for her visits. I'm lucky to even get a "hello". I'll be in the kitchen doing something and she'll walk in, ignore me, get whatever she wants/needs than head upstairs to her room! She NEVER acknowledges my kids and refers to them as my "Dad's wife's kids" or "My dad's adopted stepkids". DH tore her a new one and made it clear to her that they were HIS KIDS now and he loved them very much but that didn't mean he loved her any less and if she ever said anything like that ever again there would be consequences.

I've tried being patient with this girl by giving her time with her dad but its rude to blatantly ignore someone in their own home. DH called her out on this behaviour and told her she was to respect me as his wife, woman of the house and his life partner. He reminded her that I was his FIRST priority and our marriage came FIRST. SD16 wasn't happy about that. She started refusing to come to her scheduled visits but DH wouldn't have any of it. He didn't care if he had to drag her out of BM's house kicking and screaming, he wasn't going to let a child dictate him. She resents being forced to be around people she doesn't like and there's so much tension in our home because of her. DH just tries to ignore it, which I think is stupid. She refuses to do anything with us, movie nights, outings etc. So instead she brings her school assignments/projects and books to our house and just drowns herself in them which leaves zero time for DH to spend with her. He has asked her not to bring her work to our house but she still does it and obviously he can't tell her not to do her school work while she's here. He has grounded her countless of times, took away ALL her gadgets, car keys and other privileges but she could care less. She never smiles, EVER and I can't remember the last time I heard her laugh. She's just a miserable person.

To be honest she does follow the house rules. She doesn't argue, back chat, never asks "why?" when told to do something, she completes ALL her chores without being asked to do them. I guess what bothers DH and I is her lack of communication and lack of emotions. She walks around looking like she's in emotional and physical pain. I've tried pointing this out to DH but he thinks she's just being her "bratty self, attention seeking self"

I've told DH that I can't live like this. And I also can't live with the fact that he has two angry adult children out there walking around with so much hate but of course he's convinced they will get over it and come crawling back to him. Well I'm not so sure since his brother and father haven't spoken to each other in over 30 years after FIL chose their stepmother over them! BIL and DH's stepmother was apparently a real wench back then and they gave FIL an ultimatum: Us or Her. He chose her and BIL still hasn't forgiven FIL for that. FIL reached out to DH 6 years ago and although rocky at first, DH now has a relationship with his dad and his Stepmother has since apologised to DH for the way she treated them when they were kids and they get on really well now.

BM remarried 3 years ago and her DH has went through the same thing with ALL the SK, poor man. These kids just don't want neither parent happy, its sad. They can't stand the fact that their parents world doesn't revolve around them anymore. DH, although terrified of losing SD16, says he is not backing down and feels that he has the right to be happy and if his kids want to be miserable for the rest of their lives than that's their choice.

My thing is, I feel really bad for DH and SKs, but mostly for the SKs. I don't know why but I do. I feel that a daughter's relationship with her dad is the most important relationship in a young girls life before she enters into an intimate relationship with a young man. Feel free to disagree with me but that's how I see it or maybe I'm just old school. He loves those kids with all his heart and it pains me seeing the look on his face when they don't call him on his birthday or fathers day or how his face lights up when someone brings up on of the SKs during a conversation. I just can't sit around and not do anything about this. Part of me wants to sit all three of them down and talk to them but another part of me just doesn't want to deal with the drama. I really do care for my SK, despite the way they treat/treated me.

I guess my question here is: Should I back off and let DH handle this? (He thinks he's "handing it", I call bullshit). I don't mind being switzerland but I'm scared it might come back to bite me in the ass. Its just that I can't imagine not ever seeing or hearing from my kids...it would kill me.

Thanks for reading.