The vicious circle of lies
I posted quite some time ago about my DH and his lying about his ex-wife. Finally we had worked through our issues on this one and things have been going so smooth lately. We even began planning/talks about having a child of our own. Well, that's what I thought anyway...
Can a person really ever change? I caught him in another lie... this time it dealt with calling his ex-wife's sister to talk to his daughters. Now why would he lie about that? They are 10 & 6 and live with us. We are the primary custodians. They were spending this one week with ex's sister and last month when they stayed there one week we both called them a couple of times in the evenings (together) and talked for a while. Things are never good with the ex-wife but when they stay with the sister we call them. He just thought he'd call during the day when I wasn't around and then lie about it. Why? He expects me to be a full time mother to them, and I am. Their mother is around for the "fun" things but I am the mother that raises them. I love them too. Why he chooses to "sneak" around and call them instead of planning a call with me is beyond me. He knows how I feel about lies.
Now why break my trust to lie about something as insignificant as that? I just don't know what to do or think but I feel really betrayed because trust is HUGE with me. Thoughts?
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maybe he thought you'd be mad
i know this sounds absurd to us, but men think way differently. my hubby used to lie about stupid things and it was always because he thought i would disaprove or get mad at him. and of course, i did, but only because he chose to lie about it! men! i don't know how young/old your hubby is but maybe he just needs to grow up a little. either way he needs to realize that honesty is the best policy!!
and maybe he just wanted some alone time with his kids on the phone. and maybe he doesn't feel 100 percent comfortable when you're right there. who knows, but i guarantee it's something little like that.
good luck. it could always be worse!!
forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more.
Ditto
My DH use to do the same, and he still sometimes "forgets" to tell me about things with SD. I talked with him about this again recently and he seemed to understand. He did tell me 2 days in advance this time when SD was coming, hopefully thats a sign that he is beginning to see the need for this communication. Talk to him about it again when you are both in a good frame of mind and let him know how you feel about this. Imdavi0 is right about guys just not thinking sometimes.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
I don't know...
I can't condone dishonesty in any form, but something you wrote struck a chord--you asked why he can't schedule a call with you. I'm not sure why he can't call on his own. Maybe he just wanted to talk to his girls and felt that you'd be upset if he did it on his own.
You have to remember that even though he is the custodial parent, or perhaps even because of this, he is going to miss the girls when they leave for even a little while. Perhaps he feels silly about it, but for whatever reason, he clearly has issues with telling you and that's what you should be more concerned about, I think. Are you sending the message that it's unacceptable for him to be in contact with the girls when you're not around?
Again, lying is not okay. He needs to grow a set and tell you how he feels. But maybe you also need to back off some and not make it a big deal to communicate on his own.
Good luck!
I have to agree with Krissy
I have to agree with Krissy completely. Why do you have to be there when he calls his own children. Sounds like to me that he knows you will get mad if he talks to them when you aren't around, so he had to lie about it. I don't condone lying either, but sometimes if we imply rules that aren't really fair or necessary, then the person who we implied the rule to, will have to lie. I try not to over react to things when my BF tells me things about conversations he has with his kids or BM, because I don't want him not to tell me or to lie to me.
Krissy & Hanny...let me explain better
I don't think my message came across right. He actually used to call them all the time without me and tell me about it sometimes and sometimes not, no big deal. I just found it strange that he lied about it this time. It was only the last time they visited that we called together and by "together" I mean we were both home. He called and chatted for a while and then came and found me in the den watching tv to tell me they were on the phone...then I talked to them.
Hey Biomom
I can see why you're so confused! I was too... I'm pretty much over it now. You are so right that he's afraid of my reaction. He told me he was so used to lying about "little things" in his first marriage because 1st wife was abusive and would blow up at any little thing involving his family. (background: for 10 years he couldn't have contact with his parents or anyone on his side of the family. First wife wouldn't allow it and wanted to be in total control of him. Granted, he let her get away with it...) After I met him we began mending the family and now have frequent contact with his family but it was difficult and very painful at first. The lying in turn transferred over to our marriage and family but he's working on it. I'm not sure why he felt the need to lie about something as trivial as this phone call... other than BM's sister is the one we always liked and trusted, she is the one taking care of the girls during BM's custodial time the majority of the time. However just recently BM's sister did something to my DH that made us both angry (longer story, later time). So I guess he felt like maybe now I'd react differently since we no longer trust BM's sister as much as before.
The "how I found out part" is a bit amusing, he kind of pointed me in the direction without knowing it. He called me and we were talking about the kids and wondering how they were doing. I asked him if he wanted to call them that night and asked if he had heard from them. He said he hadn't talked to them so he was going to call them that night because he missed them. He said he hadn't talked to them twice, which I thought was odd. Nevertheless I was excited because I would get to talk to them that evening(I never call myself because I don't want any more trouble for the kids during their time with BM's family. Recently SD10 started asking to talk to me after she talks to her daddy and this is only when staying at BM's sisters, not BM's)... Back to HOW I FOUND OUT: Later in the conversation with DH he asked me to look into increasing our cell phone minutes. Told me to look online at our total minutes, how many each of us were using yada yada and figure it out (my phone, his phone and my BD14's phone are in a family plan). So I called the provider and looked at the current minutes we had all used and noticed that the first call listed on DH's minutes was the of town city where BM sister lives...that's how I found out!
Janice, question for you... did Fearless post something? Now I'm confused bacause I don't see anything from her!!! Thanks for the reply, men are like babies. I read one of your earlier posts and was laughing so hard when you told your BF to forget it he didn't have to go to the store with you and he took it literally and went inside. NO CLUE! That's so funny because I can soooo relate
No Lying Here Anymore...
At least I don't think so......but what I had to do was change my reaction completely...NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS ME....I have to answer
with " Well now, isn't that something?" in a sweet voice.
So, if BM asks Dh if he wants jumbalaya, instead of me screaming, "WTF"? I have to say the above "WN,ITS?" Or I can say, Well, Now What Do You Know About That? WN,WDYKAT?
I think what really ticked me off the last time was when we set up her child support online. YIPEE!!!!!!!! She was going to get a check automatically, every two weeks - the same pay schedule as my DH. Well, she had the audacity to tell him she'd prefer receiving the checks the alternate fridays instead...cause she wants the checks to come the weeks she doesn't get paid from her job. Dear God, Forgive Me...for not just "calmly pointing out" how ridiculous that request was...that all she had to do was open the mail....and put it in a drawer til the next friday, and then cash it any day she wants....Well, I thought the waters were safe to share my honest opinion with hubby....and so my initial reaction made me bark..."Is she fuckin stupid or something? Tell her no fucking way."
(Now mind you...I don't hate her at all...in fact I really wasn't even mad...I just thought for her to even request that...was well, stupid.") You would think she'd be happy that she never has to call hubby again...asking where was her money - I doubt he ever put it in her bank account on time -(they shared the same bank so he just did it electronically for her.)
Anyway, my DH told ME off for being MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! He said he's SICK OF MY MOUTH. So, I decided to lighten up. I don't like the new me to be honest....BUT...now he mentions...Oh **__ answered the phone and wanted to know blah...or *** was sitting outside when I pulled up...etc.
As you know I'll be married one year this week. It's shocking that I made it but honestly, I'm drained...and maybe that's the secret to staying married happily in a step situation. We just have to not care anymore, who does what, where, when, how, etc! And not react.
I do feel sad that I don't feel like hubby is "on my side" when it comes to BM and that he defends her "innocent" request.But I am powerless at this point. Let's hope Year 2 is smoother.
Good luck to you Stepmom in getting honesty all the time!
Thanks Bonus Wife
Good luck to you as well. I think we are so similar I'm going to have to give your way a try!
I promise that the second year does get better. I'm close to the 2 year mark. Yes, I'm still complaining about things like "lying" and maybe some of it stays the same. But my overall sense of calm is much better. In year 1 I think I cried more than not and I'm really not a crier... Hang in there! I wish I found this site sooner
wow...you really have
been through the lying thing already! so funny (not really). no wonder you were able to give such good advice. we have only been together for a year now (on our way to #2) but sill not married although we may as well be. his lying is getting better but i do think it's a behavior that has been carried over fro mhis previous relatinship. he says that he always used to lie to avoid her yelling and screaming at him all of the time. i have definitely cried more days than not over the past 3 months of moving to denver with him.
do you still catch him in lies and are you able to trust him entirely even though he has lied so much?
whoami...to answer
I don't catch him in lies nearly as often but part of me had to let the little things go. I had to come to grips with 1) he is going to receive texts from her for every little thing. But I had to remind myself that DH likes that better than talking to her. It's convenient for him so he doesn't have to hear her condescending voice. Once I realized that I quit caring or being jealous over the texts. Why would he want her back? He just doesn't so that leads me to 2) Yes and yes - I do trust him. I think he lied out of convenience and in a weird way to protect me from her venom. When we first got married it was hard - way hard. She'd leave really curse messages for me, about me, for all the family to hear. I'd never been around anything so dysfunctional that it does wear you down, especially when it's directed towards you. Now I tend to just try and pity her. She left a great thing (DH and SD's) for a life of parties and boyfriends 10+ years younger than her. She doesn't want him back but I think she misses the stability and really resents me and is oh so jealous. She wants him to be alone and miserable. That feeds her happiness in some sick way because she is narcissistic and "everyone" should want her. Once I realized that no matter what he doesn't want her AT ALL, it was easier to let go of some of the small things and focus on the positive. Same with you - HE CHOSE YOU! HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU! Try your best to let it roll of your back and come here to vent. It works much better this way
Men don't always understand a lot of the emotions at play in a situation such as this. I'm here for ya! - - Stepmom_C