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"As you wish..."

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Sat, 06/01/2013 - 7:31pm

The movie The Princess Bride reminded me that no matter what she dished out, he was so in love with her... all he could say was "As you wish..." I DO THAT! I will take most anything from DH. "As you wish..." in the movie meant "I love you" when it was said in the movie.

I always wanted to be the kind of wife a husband looks forward to coming home to everyday. I always wanted to make a home that was his sanctuary. An old friend of mine gave me something to think about. He is 10 years into a blended family and he told me that it made him happy to make his family happy. It sounded so much like me that it got me thinking. See, I am depressed. I feel that I slowly disappear a little more everyday. He said that over time he slowly forgot to do the things that make HIM happy because he was so busy making THEM happy. I am all for giving... but I need to prioritize.

I'm thinking about doing only the things that make me happy. It's been so long that I have forgotten what makes me happy. When I was single... I used to take myself out on dates. I would go to the movies and be naughty sneaking in my favorite foods (I love to eat while watching a movie). I am so badass, aren't I? LOL!

What have you slowly stopped doing as you melted into a "blended family" trying to be so pleasing that you slowly stopped certain things? I CANNOT be the only one.

Comments

wicked_by_proxy's picture

Submitted by wicked_by_proxy on Sat, 06/01/2013 - 9:59pm

I am always encouraged by comments like yours...I recently got to where you are right now, been about two months...yesterday I realized WOW!! I have changed...and left the rest of them standing there with their pants down! No more can they disguise their issues by hiding behind the blame they placed on me. I feel so liberated and yes, a freedom I never expected from the action of letting go.

"I am me again and I will NEVER let me go. Ever."....Amen to that, sister!

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Sun, 06/02/2013 - 9:11am

Still dwelling on what I like to do that makes me happy. I would LOVE to work! But I would need a flexible boss. I have Meniere's disease. I am dizzy and often look drunk because I cannot keep my balance. When I do look fine... I am still dizzy, I am just good at keeping still while everything else is moving!

I could answer phones. Receptionist? Admin Assistant with few people to meet and greet? Work from home? Anybody have jobs leads to do that? I have a Master's degree. Go on to my PhD. Hubbs is willing to pay for it. It is tough because of my physical limitations but online would work just fine. I had a love/hate relationship with school.

I am Suzy homemaker living alone with no children to parent and no big house to clean and nobody to cook for! I know that sounds like heaven to a lot of people, but no to me. I am lonely. Good thing I got a puppy. He needs me and I can't lay in bed and cry all day!

Travel? I would need a travel Buddy. I love making things for people. I make stained glass panels to hang or to place in cabinets to give them a custom look. The materials are so costly, it doesn't make much money. I would love to tackle renovating a home. Flipping may be a way to make money if I end up divorced.

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Mon, 06/03/2013 - 9:53am

The more I work on finding things to do that I enjoy, the more stumped I am. Maybe it's true that it's hard to enjoy things when I need a resolution in my marriage. It's hard to go on when things are up in the air. Living apart from my family is taking it's toll. I have been out of the house for 8 months now. By the time September rolls around it will be just shy a year!

Counseling every week for me. Just to keep my head and priorities straight. Antidepressants since depression runs in the family. STILL, I am so sad. I am grieving. Still grieving the loss of my twins who would be two years old this August. I was barely pregnant when we miscarried but it took such drastic medical help to get pregnant... we were very happy that I got pregnant at all! I've been grieving the loss of my husband and the dream of our family since SD threw her first punch at me and DH begged me not to call the police.

That was 4 years ago. We've come a long way since then, but I've had to fight for every inch of progress. I am tired of fighting. SD graduates high school in three years. DH keeps telling me to focus on that. Honestly, I cannot take three more years. Yet, it's so hard to walk away. This apartment lease is up in September. That is his deadline. If he has not made the agreed upon changes, then we legally separate and we no longer have contact. This may be considered healthy, but I dread it because I love him. Still. This is one deadline I will keep.

I found out he made the phone call to the therapist and chose one he thinks is best suited for SD. I believe he is going to present this as a summer thing only and hope she will choose to continue when school starts again. Now we have to wait and see if he can get SD out of the car to go in! He has never been able to do so before. And she would beat the shit out of him when he tried to make her. I am not the only battered person here.

I made plans to go see an old friend tomorrow. She and her family bought a house and I have never seen it! This is my first step to do things I enjoy instead of waiting around for DH to make an appearance.

Thank you for a safe place to vent.