Yep! I think a lot of us are dealing with BPD in some sense, whether it be the BM, a skid, a spouse, a family member etc...

Steperg:It's cool that you researched the book. It's a common misconception that BPD is a "catchall" diagnosis, but in the most current DSMV it is listed with extremely clear and specific criteria for diagnosis. ""I Hate You..." is an older book and so their classification isn't as up to date as it is in the newly revised book (which I haven't read yet, but my mom has). Even though they have way better ways of accurately diagnosing BPD now, the book is still invaluable in the way that it explains what goes on in the mind of a BPDer and good basic skills for dealing with it. My mom is a psychiatrist and even she says that BPD is one of the hardest disorders to treat because of common misdiagnosis and the inherent problems BPDers have sticking with therapy. Manic Depression, Bipolar, Mania, Depression, etc.. have all been misdiagnosed, along with other illnesses, in people with BPD and it was a catchall when it was being reclassified during the eighties. If you read the book, it doesn't say that Marilyn Monroe, Hitler, S. Hussein etc.. were diagnosed with BPD, it uses public figures that everyone knows who "exhibited" borderline typical behavior to show an understandable example of the typical kinds of behaviors associated with BPD, not to claim that they actually had BPD. It's kind of similar to not being able to diagnose King Henry VIII with syphilis, even though he almost certainly had it, because he is no longer living and during his lifetime they included most STDs under the same diagnosis and no one was diagnosed specifically with syphilis. It doesn't mean he didn't have it and he may not have, we just can't know for sure and it's the same with the deceased public figures used in the book. It takes a licensed clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to actually diagnose any mental condition and they don't recommend regular lay people attempt to diagnose anyone else. My BM as well as one of my sisters has BPD so I have found this particular book to have been extremely helpful in understanding what they do and why. It's not a book that should be used as a diagnostic tool, especially by unlicensed civilians, it's intended to help family members, friends and therapists of ALREADY diagnosed BPDers. Steperg, if you know of any good books about BPD that are newer, I would love recommendations.

Basically, I think the most helpful part is just knowing that it is something that can be managed and dealt with (my sister takes meds and does counseling and she hasn't had symptoms in over four years), but it also describes what BPDers do that won't take medication or see a therapist/doctor and how to deal with that. I find this immensely helpful because my BM has been diagnosed, but refuses treatment for it and most of the time denies having it, even though she was diagnosed BPD by more than two psychiatrists! I adore my sister with BPD, but that doesn't mean she isn't sometimes maddeningly frustrating and her BPD can drive the whole family up the wall. I understand it a lot better now and it has made her issues so much easier to deal with. I love her and want her to be happy and healthy and so i'm motivated to help her help herself, which she has. My mom works in the mental health field and that helps quite a bit because she knows who the best therapists are and she has accesses to resources that a lot of people don't have. That's a big part of the reason my sis has been able to manage hers so well. She was on Lithium for about four years, but didn't like the way it numbed her and was unmedicated for a few chaotic years. Even when she's at her worst, she is a sweet, loving and compassionate person, so it gives me the experience with BPD with someone I love and care about, which is great because if it was just BM that I had dealt with regarding this, I would have a way worse attitude about her BPD. BM has BPD, but refuses treatment, wavers on admitting she has it and is hostile and blames anyone but herself for the problems her BPD related actions cause. H was with her for three and a half years as a couple and co-parented and was on friendly terms with her for six other years so he has observed her behavior over a long period of time and in different circumstances and under a variety of stresses and pressures.

I knew her for almost a year before H left her and I can see firsthand why it is so hard to diagnose BPD. Back then, BM came across as the kind of person that you forget a second after you meet them. The only reason I noticed her at all was because I knew she was with H and I was curious about who he was with. She was overweight, dumpy, wore shabby, dated and unflattering clothes (often with stains and/or food spilled on them). She had long, thin, flat hair that she wore parted in the middle and down and stringy or parted in the middle and put in a braid. Her face was round and she never wore any makeup. A typical outfit would be beige cordoroy pants, "mom" style with the pleated pouch in the front for stomach bulge and a very high waist, a faded shirt and felted wool sweaters. She wasn't friendly or unfriendly and just came across as blank and empty. When we all worked together, I was pretty tight friends with five of my co-workers and I hung out and liked the majority of my co-workers that I wasn't super close to. We used to hang out together outside of work almost every day and I loved my job because I was able to stand around and talk and have fun with friends while working. BM had worked there for a year longer than I had when I started, but after a year of work, I had some really good friends and was at the heart of a social group that went out and hung out all the time and she was like a casual acquaintance, but had no close friends, which I thought was weird. I had no issue with her back then and always tried to include her socially and be friendly, but talking to her was a total dead end. She was insanely boring and had never heard of anything anyone ever brought up (with the exception of harlequin romances). We used to joke around a lot (us workers, not BM and I!) and BM always awkwardly tried to join in if she was there, but she just repeated the funny things other people said and never said anything herself. It was sad. She was just kind of socially defunct. No one hated her, but no one liked her either. She attempted to copy common social mannerisms and she came off completely fake, false and uncomfortable. Occasionally she would be in a manic phase and would sweep in and do that shrieky, manic mall rat girl thing and make loud plans to round people up and go drinking, but it was so off the wall and unexpected that people usually responded with awkward excuses and weird looks. It wasn't super overt, but definitely noticeable. I didn't realize that she was severely emotionally disturbed and that certain things trigger meltdowns with her. I went through the roller coaster ride that anyone who has an ex in their life with BPD knows what i'm talking about, for about a year before I started doing some research on BPD (she had been diagnosed in college after a suicide attempt) and her seemingly insane behavior was explained. I have personal experience with BPD, with my sister, but with her she was never malicious or hurtful and underneath all her drama is a warm, kind hearted person with intelligence, interests and talents and BM has none of that. Dealing with a BPDer that is a stupid, nasty and immature person is a whole different experience!

Anyway, this book is really helpful because it really does get you inside the mind of a person with BPD and understanding motivations and reasons for behavior helps me deal with it. I feel better prepared to deal with what she might do or say. My mom is a great resource as well and she currently has a few BPD clients at the moment and has great insight for my situation with BM. Also, parents with BPD 'cause specific problems with their kids and it's helpful to be prepared for that and deal with the fallout with my skids from BMs BPD. The best part of the book, I think, is that it accurately explains BPD, but makes it very clear that a BPD diagnosis does not mean that someone is a bad person or a good person. It's a mental illness just like any other. You can be a great person with BPD or a horrible person with BPD and as we all know, no one is either all evil or all good and most people are a complex mixture of good and bad traits. BPD is not a character judgment in itself. The problem is when you have someone who is overall a nasty, hateful person AND they have BPD. If it's hard for therapists and professionals to treat BPD, it's even harder for regular, untrained people to deal with it! The more education and knowledge there is out there, the better off everyone will be.

And, thanks babygirl30! I loved Walking On Eggshells too!!!! That's probably the best book all around for people who have someone with BPD in their lives. Since that book is specifically aimed for regular people, not therapists, to learn about and deal with family or social associates with BPD. It helps sooooo much just to understand more WHY they are the way they are and also comforts because you realize that there are a lot of people out there dealing with this too.

I also found a wonderful website, I may have mentioned before. It's www.thepsychoexwive.com and was created by a dad who has been dealing with a BPDer ex that also happens to be a piece of work. He is now an expert on BPD and transcribes his past interactions with his ex so that he can show the process he went through working towards an extremely low-contact, low-conflict relationship with his ex. He started out making every mistake in the book (like we all do) and it's really cool to see someone humble enough to put their mistakes on display like that and be open to criticism for the sake of helping out others going through a similar situation. He has a lot of resources for BPD information, PAS and custody battles with BPD BMs.

I basically feel like I am reading everything I can on the subject and educating myself so that I can understand BM and come to terms with certain things in my own mind. I know that I am not going to change BM. I know that she is very unlikely to change or grow as a person, but neither of those are my goals with researching this. This is something I am doing for me, so that I can mentally handle her "craziness" more effectively and get better about detaching when she tries to stir up trouble or bait me.

I haven't read "Walking On Eggshells" for a long time, so I think I am going to re-read that one next! If anybody wants to read it at the same time and then discuss it, I would love that! Like a little book club or something. I'm sure my mom has a copy I can borrow at her clinic, but if she doesn't I will try to find a second hand copy as soon as I can.