Ok, so I don't normally post..not too good at putting my thoughts onto "paper". But, I thought I'd try.

I get frustraded with my skids because I feel they don't acknowledge or appreciate anything I've done for them, and yet, when SD thanked me yesterday, I had difficulty believing her sincerity and simply saying "you're welcome"!

Here's some backround: I'm 37, Married 1 year (my first) to a fabuous H who has a crazy ex, and 2 kids (SS 19 & SD21). We've been together about 5 years, since just after DH & BM separated. (No, I had nothing to do with the divorce -- she had affairs, had skids believing since they were very young that her previous exH was actually their father, even took them for "visitation" behind my DH's back..but that's different Springer episode, I mean blog. )

DH had custody of the skids for their last years of HS, and we didn't move in together until they graduated. SS chose to live with BM because he didn't want to leave his friends and SD now lives with her new H and his family.

The skids were pretty nice to me, I thought, but I'd never been involved with someone who had kids before. I've done my best never to badmouth their mom to them or anywhere around them. I tried to be supportive -- went to sports games, encouraged them, took them shopping for prom stuff, made sure their birthdays were recognized. I didn't get involved in their discipline because I felt it wasn't my place given their ages. They were teenagers after all, not little kids, and I wasn't living with them.

So, after a while I realized they were nice to me only when I was buying stuff for them, or doing them a favor. I received absolutely nothing in return and I quit. (ok, so I didn't expect much in return from teenagers, but some basic respect would have been enough.) Lots has happened over the years, but the last straw was my birthday this past summer when neither of them could be bothered to tell me happy birthday, even though my BFF mad a point of texting them and reminding them. They said Ok, but never contacted me. I told DH that if his kids NEEDED something I'd help them, but since they had made it clear they weren't interested in a relationship with me I would accept that. I told him I could no longer allow them to have the power to hurt my feelings. (Something I picked up here at ST!!)

A few days before XMas, SD announced that they were getting married at city hall on Jan. 4.
I asked DH what SD would wear for her wedding and suggested that we should help with buying her something to wear, and maybe a small bouquet. Well, we ended up buying a dress, flowers, hosting 15 people for a lunch "reception" afterwards, surpising her with a cake and putting the newlyweds up for a night in a bed and breakfast. All in all, I thought we got off pretty easy, because we spent less that $2K.

So, I had to ask myself what my motivation was. As a new bride, I know how special I wanted to make my wedding day. Regardless of how SD has treated me over the years, I would hate for her to look back at her wedding day and feel cheated, or like it wasn't special. My DH can be very traditional sometimes and I know he felt like he should provide a nice wedding for his daughter. YES, DH was very appreciative of me helping his daughter, and told me many times how wonderful it was that I was so thoughtful and willing to help make SD's day special. (especially because her BM wasn't doing anything, but would be there.) I didn't take over her day, she made the decisions -- I merely suggested some vendors and paid the bills.

SO...after all was said and done, SD gave me the BIGGEST HUG, and said "THANK YOU, Soy_girl! you've done so much for me and I really appreciate it!"

YET, inside I felt like brushing her thanks aside and thinking she was just grateful for my checkbook.

Not a very nice moment of self-realization for me. Was I just being nice so I could be the martyr SM??? you know, the long suffering, does everything for absolutely no recognition SM? Maybe if the kids acknowledged that I didn't HAVE to do anything for them since I didn't birth them, I CHOSE to do things for them I would lose my "poor me" position??? AAKK! what a horrible thought! So, now I'm stuck in self-examination mode, hoping I'm not really that shallow a person!