Should lack of concern by SKs bother me?
A week and a half ago, my mother had a massive heart attack. She had two major blockages in her heart, one that was 100%. Her doctor said he could not explain how she survived, but luckily, she did. It was especially a stressful, difficult time because she was in a hospital an hour away from us, DS18 had to be taken out of state to begin college 3 days later, not to mention the fact my DH and I both have a busy, stressful law practice that had to be covered, plus care of our DS12. At any rate, I made several posts on FB about my mom's heart attack, asking for prayers and keeping people updated. It was amazing the outpouring of support I received. People I hadn't heard from in years messaged me, called and texted to ask how she was doing. People offered to help and just showed true compassion and concern. The posts I made altogether (a total of 3 of them) had nearly a thousand comments, which blew my mind. My mom is home now and doing well, thankfully.
As I was thinking back about how wonderful people were to us, the thought occurred to me that neither of my SSs 23 and 25 (who are both my "friends" on FB) reached out to me or responded to those posts in ANY way, and both posted on FB multiple times during that time. In fact, my DH texted SD23 (the one we just bought the $800 laptop for at BM's request so he can take online college classes) to ask him about college, and got no response! I'm not saying I wanted them to come to the hospital or anything like that, but a text or comment, "Sorry about your mom," would have gone a LONG way. My mom has ALWAYS bought them Christmas and birthday presents and has come to SGDs birthday parties and bought them gifts.
Both my SSs are so self-absorbed and self-centered that it really doesn't surprise me that I didn't hear from them. My step-dad whom they've known since they were 3 and 5 and grew up sitting on his lap passed away last fall, and neither said anything then, nor did they come to his memorial service, which also was announced on FB. You can see from my past posts that I have long thought both SKs only cared about my DH for money, and I've always thought they wouldn't p*ss on me if I were on fire, but the reality of it really struck me.I haven't mentioned this to DH and am not sure what he would say. The SKs have always gotten a "buy" on everything, and when they're around, everything (the topics of conversation, place we eat, what we do) is ALL about THEM. I just don't think I want to put myself out for either of them ever again. I usually have a big birthday party for SS25's 2 daughters--make an elaborate homemade cake with extravagant decorations, spend about $1K on the party and the gifts--and one of them has a birthday coming up, and I think I just want to leave it to my DH to plan and stay out of it. I know the SGDs can't help that their dad is a spoiled, entitled POS, but right now, MY feelings are a bit hurt. My DH and I have always had to be the bigger person to have a relationship with SKs, ignore that they don't seem to care about us, and I don't know if I can or want to do it anymore.
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Expect nothing. You can be
Expect nothing. You can be sure you'll get that from stepbrats.
Sad but true.
Sad but true.
None of this surprises me.
None of this surprises me. When my mother was dying at Xmas 2010, neither of my SDs (who were in their mid teens at the time) said one word to me expressing any concern or compassion. On the contrary, the younger one in particular, gave us a lot of trouble getting drunk etc which I really couldn't deal with at the time. I would advise you to totally disengage from these nasty adults.
That's really awful. I can't
That's really awful. I'm sorry you endured that. I can't understand how SKs can be so heartless and cruel. I thiink I need to disengage for my own happiness and sanity.
Yes; it should deeply trouble
Yes; it should deeply trouble you and finally drive you to 100% disengage. They are diaengaged from you; well, except your money!
I hope, for your emotional well being, you do.
"They are diaengaged from you
"They are diaengaged from you; well, except your money! "
WOW, this statement just sums it all up, doesn't it??
I’ve lost parents and pets,
I’ve lost parents and pets, and not one word or even FB acknowledgement from skids.
It hurts my feelings. While I am mostly disengaged, we get along ok when I see them, and I do care about them. A simple acknowledgement that I exist now and then would go a long way.
I’m glad your mom is doing well.
Thank you. And I'm sorry your
Thank you. And I'm sorry your SKs have treated you the same way. It's just amazing to me how people who are acquaintances take the time to say a kind word, yet these people who are immediate family who we've gone so far out of our way for don't care about us even in the slightest.
I’ve mostly come to terms
I’ve mostly come to terms with it. I treat them as I would a distant relative—might buy them dinner when they come to town. Anything else I do is for DH. For example, he buys the Christmas gifts and I wrap them because he’s all thumbs and I enjoy it.
I wish it were different, but at least it’s not open warfare as it had been.
I'm happy to hear your mom
Petronella, I'm happy to hear your mom has done so well. My mom's doctor says she's otherwise healthy and should do well, too, if she takes care of herself.
I think I am getting there on reaching my breaking point. Yes, I do see that life is short. My mom could have been gone in the blink of an eye, and her doctor says she should have been. I turned the big 5-0 myself this year and realize I've been sacrificing for these entitled, unappreciative kids since I was 29 years old!
And doing too much for them is right! Another thing that happened recently is SS23 and his wife came to get his new laptop we bought him. We took them out to dinner (of course, paid for it) and since I needed gas in my vehicle, I suggested they follow us to the gas station on the way back to our house so we could fill up THEIR tank along with ours, which we did. As we were pulling out of the gas station, I saw them driving away from the direction of our house. I asked my DH and he said they decided to go on home and not go back to our house. They didn't even say goodbye to me! I'm sure it didn't even occur to them to do so. Oh, and at the restaurant, I handed them $40 cash, then when I mentioned it to DH later, he had given them $30! What suckas we are. lol. I don't think I want to be one anymore!
What the heck?? Why do you
What the heck?? Why do you LAVISH them with things, meals AND cash... when they have NOTHING to do with you?
You are rewarding them for treating you poorly!
It really sounds crazy when I
It really sounds crazy when I type it out here. lol. I've always thought if I treated them well (i.e., bought them things, took them places, cooked them food and did other things for them) it would promote the relationship. I've had a LOT of success at my office with staff in this very way--I buy them treats "just because," give them cash at Christmas, almost always say "yes" when they want time off, and, importantly, don't let a week go by without saying "thank you” and “I appreciate you.” Consequently, of the team of 2 paralegals and one secretary who work directly under me, the paralegals have both been with me over 10 years and work their TAILS off doing a great job for my clients. My secretary is new this year, but one of my prior secretaries was with me 12 years before she moved out of state to be with her family. I constantly have people asking to join my team, and I ask the most out of my staff in terms of work. Anyway, I guess I thought it would work that way with SKs, and that is SO very wrong. The more I do for them, it seems the more they show me they don't care about me. So I need to stop, and I'm going to.
I can relate, because I was
I can relate, because I was able to achieve success in my field through my staff. But steplife is a completely different world with a completely different set of rules. It's Bizarro World, and skids will take all you're willing to give without ever reciprocating. You cannot buy regard from a skid.
NICE GUYS FINISH LAST in steplife. When you're too nice, people mistake that for weakness - especially CODS. What have you ever expected from your skids? What do they do for you? They are adults, so your relationship is now one of equals and should be a mutual one. Sadly, I bet they never give you much thought at all. You and your H have been paying them to treat you poorly, so why would they ever change?
Clearly, you're right. I don
Clearly, you're right. I don't expect they're ever going to change. I'm the one who's going to have to change.
I'm a manager too - and you
I'm a manager too - and you are not applying the same logic to your SS's that you apply to your team (I don't think). I also try to appreciate my team, and I give them time off and flexibility - PROVIDED they are doing their job. If you do your job, I'm the best manager you'll ever have. If you don't - I'm your worst boss ever. I will be on you to get your job done, I will write you up and I will fire you.
Your stepsons are those bad employees that take advantage of your flexibility and think you are a weak boss. They think that no matter what they do, you still give them time off and praise. Don't be that manager who wants so badly to be liked by her staff that she won't set limits on anyone, and especially, don't be that manager in your own home.
Touche'! And I have actually
Touche'! And I have actually been through a few secretaries since my longtime secretary left because I can't/won't take employees who slack off, have a poor attitude and work product, miss work a lot, etc. I have actually reassigned my former secretaries twice because of that until now I think I have my newest "longtimer" in the making, thank goodness! So you're exactly right. I tried to treat those other secretaries well and they took advantage of my generosity until I decided we had to part ways. That's exactly how my SKs are, sadly. Too bad I can't reassign them. lol. But I definitely will make some changes.
Reassign them! That made me
Reassign them! That made me smile.
My SS likes me and is
My SS likes me and is pleasant and civil to me. He has never mentioned my father's death 2 years ago, though to be fair, he also ignored Father's Day and DH's birthday (though we strongly suspect he didn't know about either one).
BUT, I don't buy him anything or give him money. Nor do I expect him to care about my life events, he's not my kid.
Right. I think my problem is,
Right. I think my problem is, I've been trying to pretend we were a family, doing for them like I would my own children and grandchildren, hoping it would build a relationship. All it has done is build resentment on my part and entitlement on their part. Clearly, these people DO NOT CARE about me (and likely DO NOT CARE about my DH.) I have to find a way to back out of the things I've been doing (big birthday parties, big Christmases, big vacations, etc.) and be ready to accept any fall-out that may happen.
YES!
I'm sorry I've been so blunt. I just want you to face the reality of the situation. How I wish someone had been that way with me.
They aren't family, hon. They aren't even nice people, and they are shi!!y sons.
I suggest you disengage slowly. Be too busy, have commitments elsewhere, etc. Don't announce your disengagement, because your H has to learn his lessons on his own. Just fade way back from anything to do with skids. Dont do anything for them or their families, and close your wallet.. Eventually your H is going to notice, and how you frame your response will be very important. Telling him his kids are a$$holes won't accomplish anything, but if you position yourself sympathetically, he may be more understanding. Tell him you've tried and tried and have treated his sons like your own, but it's just too painful for you to continue to take their snubs and cruelty. Tell him that it hurts you badly, but you've had to accept that these men don't consider you family so you're giving them the space they seem to prefer.
Yes, I agree. Don't make a
Yes, I agree. Don't make a grand pronouncement that you are DONE holding parties because they never do anything for you - just don't plan them anymore. You are too busy with work, not feeling well, trying to scale back your commitments, whatever. Just quietly stop doing those things while staying somewhat warm - a birthday gets a card now, and not a big party. Christmas gets a small box of chocolates and not a big present. Vacations are just not mentioned.
Your DH will get upset, but that's his problem, really - he also needs to be honest with himself about why he's letting his kids use him.
This is VERY good advice, and
This is VERY good advice from both of you, and I REALLY appreciate it!! I've been thinking about how to handle it, especially with one SGD's birthday coming up and then Christmas. Thankfully, I have a long time to figure out the vacation situation. Thank you again for helping me think through this carefully.
If your DH dies first before
If your DH dies first before you THEY GET NOTHING of his estate! It all goes to you...his darling wife.
If my DH goes before me, all of his money & life insurance goes to me. If I go first, I have all of my premarraige money in account with my dad or my kids because my skids will never get a dime from me even over my dead body.
Im sorry to hear about your mom but what your skids do or dont do shouldnt matter too much. My mom always got my skids gifts and they went unacknowledged. I told her to stop. She didnt do birthdays this year and she cut their christmas gift cards in half.
I think you have good reason
I think you have good reason to be bothered by this, but after their reaction to your stepdad's passing, it shouldn't be a surprise. This is probably all about how they were raised. Kids who are raised not to think they're the center of the universe and to reach out to others when appropriate (such as to wish a happy birthday/anniversary or express sympathy upon a loss) usually continue to do that as adults. Of course, my mother still calls to remind me of family birthdays and to suggest I acknowledge someone who is sick or has had a loss, even though I'm an adult in my 20s and have, in most instances, already done so.
In this situation, I'd be done with the SSs. I'd still wish them a happy birthday/anniversary, but they wouldn't be getting a gift from me. There is no way I'd be throwing parties for them or their kids, allowing any of my money to be used on them, or expending any energy on them. I'd stop being the bigger person - it's wasted on these skids.
Are you sure they saw your
Are you sure they saw your post? I have my settings to where the posts a lot of people I'm friends with don't show up on my feed. I think Facebook also doesn't automatically show the posts of someone you don't interact with much. *unknw*
I am glad
I am glad that your mother is better and expected to continue to improve! I agree with the previous posters. It is very common for skids to be utterly unconcerned with what is going on with their SM to the point of rudeness. Even complete strangers on hearing of difficulties happening will murmur the correct responses that we all know. Many skids, for whom we do much, can not even be bothered with the perfunctory social norms. That they would say or do something genuine is rare. Some of us are fortunate in that we have skids with whom we do have good relationships and it is BM or inlaws that draw us to this board. But that is not the norm. You are wise to pull back emotionally and financially or you will become even more resentful of their lack of caring and rightly so. Better to end the issue entirely.