My DH seems depressed
My DH seems so depressed lately. His birthday was over the weekend. He DID get a text from SS26 but nothing from SS25. Interestingly, he had messaged SS25 a couple weeks ago to tell him about our family vacation coming up and had heard nothing. (For those who recall my last blogs, I said I'd never do a beach house again due to all the work, and DH booked a 4 BR hotel room with maid service. Unfortunately, COVID 19 has canceled the maid service and required everyone to wear a mask when outside their room at the hotel, which he felt would be impossible for SGDs 5 and 7, especially at the pool, so he canceled the hotel and, you guessed it, booked another $10K per week beach house so they can 'social distance.") Anyway, he had heard nothing from SS25 about going, nor did he get birthday wishes from SS25, but SS26's wife texted me that she wasn't sure if DH knew, but SS25 and his wife ARE coming on the beach trip. So, I guess that's what DH wanted, but I think he's realizing the contact is only because of the free beach trip. Although he's the guy who said he'd rather have superficial relationship with SKs than no relationship, I think he's feeling used.
Another reason DH is down is, after decades of no social media, BM has finally crawled out of her hole and opened accounts on a couple platlforms. We are now seeing behind the curtain what we always knew, how she FAWNS over EVERY WORD SSs post and is SO fake. Beyond that, BOTH of DH's sisters, niece and nephew have become friends with BM on social media, and they're all liking and posting on each others' posts. Not only did BM HATE DH's entire family and refuse to see them on holidays, of which they are well aware, they also know BM cheated on DH (one sister begged him not to marry BM when she saw BM flirting/making out with a groomsman the night before the wedding) and they ALL know how BM PAS'd the SKs against DH. He got so disgusted when he learned they were all FB "friends" now that he deactivated his FB account, which was a good idea, but is sad. He's feeling very abandoned by his own family.
I honestly don't know what to tell him, I try to be supportive and love him as I have for over 20 years. The older I get, the stranger the world gets. Hopefully, he'll work though it and bounce back soon, but he's always been close to his family and is surprised. Funny, BM's "clan" are thick of thieves and NONE of them would dream of friending DH on FB. Just shows the difference in character, I guess.
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I was reading your blogs....
I know you arent surprised that these thoughtless, entitled kids aren't responding to your generous DH. I would be depressed, too, if I were in his shoes.
"Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs" Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
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No, I'm not surprised at all.
No, I'm not surprised at all. I ran interference for DH with the SSs for so long, I knew when I finally stopped, he'd see just how they were. Now we have Father's Day in 2 weeks. I highly doubt he'll get any communication from either SS, although both posted on social media about BM and HER BM being the most awesome mom's in the world on Mother's Day. Thank you for commenting. I really appreciate your insight given where you are ahead of me on this step parent journey.
Please tell me you won't be acting as the cook and maid
Please tell me you won't be acting as the cook and maid in the beach house like you did last year! Seriously, do not cook for any of them. If DH is paying for the house, they can buy and cook their own food. I can't believe SS25 can't even let DH know that he is planning on going - that is horrible.
No wonder your DH is depressed, without you running interference he is seeing what his kids are truly like and it is not a pretty picture.
Oh, h*ll no!! I don't plan on
Oh, h*ll no!! I don't plan on doing ANY COOKING OR CLEANING, and my DH KNOWS THAT!! He's planning on doing takeout/food delivery the whole week. I had initially planned to fly down late in the week when he was going to the other beach, but this one is more remote. If I go with them, I'll take my laptop and work 1/2 days so I'm unavailable! lol.
It is depressing when you
It is depressing when you finally realise your adult kids only want you for your wallet. I hope you have learned the lessons from the past and will not be running around after people on this holiday.
Yes, I sure have! I will be
Yes, I sure have! I will be reading and re-reading my blogs on here to remind me, too!! My nature is as a people pleaser, but I've backed wayyyyy out of that over the course of my last few posts since the last vacation. I've made a break from trying too hard to make them like me (which didn't work) and I'm not going back. lol. Seeing SSs post glowing comments about BM on FB for Mother's Day and getting ignored by them (which is FINE) made me steel myself and remind myself I'm NOT SSs' mom, I'm JUST dad's wife. Therefore, I don't OWE them anything and won't be serving them on MY vacation (or EVER!!!)
Uber eats, door dash.
I would plan on ordering all meals from restaurant delivery services. Buy tons I'd paper plates, plastic spoons and forks. Paper cups. Ect. Gabarge bags. You will be all set. I would not cook for that ungrateful group. You know. The free vacation group
Make sure you bring enough clothes to last the week so you will not have to do laundry. You will not need to to that
Yes! Exactly!! The paper
Yes! Exactly!! We plan to do carry out and food delivery most nights. And NO expensive $300 seafood dinners like we have in the past. We'll do Dairy Queen, etc. The paper plates, plastic cups, etc was a recommendation last year, and I plan to follow it! I WILL be B*TCH enough to annouce to the whole house that we brought these things and IF they want to use the dishes in the house, they're responsible for doing them. And believe me, I WON'T do them!! I'd rather lose our deposit than that, and I mean it.
Call them and let them all
Call them and let them all know that, as they did bugger all last year, this year they will be expected to contribute to a maid service and then tell them how much they will each have to pay and ensure they know that it is to be paid a month before the vacation or it will be the last one EVER.
Oh, how I wish I could do
Oh, how I wish I could do that! However, I do know neither SS can contribute financially to a vacation. We can afford it, so we'll pay for it, and DH can "check that box," which is his stated goal.
I feel for your DH, I really
I feel for your DH, I really do. It hurts so much when they realize how horrible their own children are.
I grew up going to the beach every summer with my family and we continued that tradition while my kids were young. The way we always did it was each adult/ adult couple was responsible for 1 day of food for the house. Breakfast goodies, sandwich stuff for lunch and chips, and dinner. You could make anything you want. Even when my baby brother was in high school he was told to handle one day (my mom paid, but he had to do the shopping and work). Sure, that was spaghetti night because that is what a 16 yr old boy could make LOL, but he did it. Cleaned everything up, etc.
Maybe don't really give a choice. Have a chart pinned to the fridge when they get there. Say, hey everyone, we have taken care of Today and we will take ____ as well. SS1 you have tomorrow, SS2 you have the next day. We can plan on going out the following night, etc.
Yes, I tried something
Yes, I tried something similar last year by announcing to the group before we went that each couple was responsible for dinner ONE night. Oldest SS remarked, "I hope you like cereal for dinner!" And that was the end of that, I honestly think SS26 and SDIL feed the SGDs like BM fed SSs growing up, with almost all "meals" at home being microwave chicken nuggets and mac n cheese or fast food like McDonald's.
I would have told that SS
I would have told that SS sure- I would like Cherios, you should ask the rest of the group if they have preferences for your cheap and lazy a$$.
If they want to do Chicken nuggets or Mac and cheese or fast food for everyone - LET THEM. Just hold them accoutable to do it and if they fail- you and DH go out to dinner alone.
Sorry - I know this is hard
Sorry - I know this is hard to see, but it's a sign of growth. Since you are no longer playing Happy Family, he can't sustain it either - and he's one step closer to accepting and living in reality, instead of denying it. It's not healthy to live in a pretend world, but for him to get there, he needs to feel some of the emotional pain that he's been avoiding by using his money to create the illusion that he has sons that care about him.
Yes, it's definitely painful,
Yes, it's definitely painful, as I knew it would be. DH has resigned himself to just getting through it and "checking off the box" so that's one less thing they can say he sucked at.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments!! I feel so much better posting. I haven't said much to my DH, as he's the type talking about things just makes it worse. Two things I will add for your information. First, although I didn't hear from either SS on Mother's Day (nor did I expect to,) I DID get a text from oldest SS26's wife, saying how much she appreciated me and that it doesn't go unnoticed that when I'm around I'm "the hardest working person in the room!" How weird is that?? She is very smart and perceptive, and I think she KNEW how p*ssed I was last year that I cooked and did dishes while they sat/laid on the couch. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? While I guess I "appreciated" the recognition of sorts, wasn't that acknowledging that she realized they did nothing, yet no apology? Or WAS that a roundabout attempt at an apology?
Second, DH still hasn't heard one word from youngest SS25 about the beach trip, and he tried to call him today. (SS25 NEVER takes his calls.) The LAST communication he had with SS25 was a few months ago after we received a letter from our dental carrier asking for proof SS25 was enrolled in college full time. (SS25 is the one supposedly taking online college courses for whom we bought the $800 computer last fall at BM's request.) DH had texted SS25 to ask if he was taking full time classes, which we thought he would be. SS25 texted back...wait for it...he'd have to ASK BM!!! Yes, MOMMEE is head of the online program at his school. I'm surprised he didn't just tell DH to ask BM. lol. DH thinks SS25 was avoiding him because it's likely SS25 has dropped out again, or at a minimum, is just taking a few hours while doing food delivery service for income. Of course, we have no idea, as DH is on a "need to know" basis, and that is only when money is needed! lol. DH has heard nothing, nada, since then.
My take on SS26's wife
My take on SS26's wife is that she's smart enough and was brought up well enough to know that she should be doing more to help you on vacation but that she won't rock the boat with SS26 (who gets a kick from making you and your DH be his minions). This is why she is going behind his back to send you a private text acknowleding your efforts. She also smart enought to realise that the SSs and wives have pushed you too far and that the gravy train is in danger of ending.
She's definitely not your friend but she is feeling some residual guilt from her upbringing. I'm not sure if this makes her better or worse than the rest of them. I'd acknowledge the text but don't have any expectations.
On YSS silence regarding the trip, your DH could txt and say he's taking further silence as YSS and wife not being interested in going this year but I suspect your DH won't do this.
"Need to know"
Im laughing. Need to know = need to get money. Sorry, i know its not funny.
I would have planned a
I would have planned a separate vacation after the last one. If I hear that you raised one finger to do work on this upcoming vacation, I'm going to find you and kick you in the shins!!!
This situation is typical.
This situation is typical. When the SM pulls back, DH can no longer blame his children's issues on YOU. And then the blinders start to come off.
And yes, it leads to sadness when his eyes are opened. Mine has gone through similar feelings, realizing the roads only go one way, that everyone else's spouse is considered family except for his, his sister is still best friends with BM, etc.
All you can do is support him through this process. If I were you I would not go on the trip, even for a short while. Something will happen to make you upset; your DH is happy just getting crumbs from them so won't want to hear what you're upset about, and you will be back to square one. As long as you have any emotion tied to them, I would stay away. I'm to the point I laugh at the dumb things my middle-aged SDs do to stir up trouble (which no longer works).