My SKs made crystal clear (without saying it) that BM was the alpha grandma.  All holidays, she got first choice of  celebration times.  She was given all pictures, whether professional or casual.  I could go on with many examples.  To give her her due, she was a good GM, if still her volatile self.  It was similar to the way a daughter-in-law sometimes makes her own mother the favorite.

We have 9 GKs and treat all the same, in my mind, generously.  I wasn't exactly disrespected but there was a difference.  DH & I were both working full time and BM wasn't. So I didn't actually have the time or energy to do more than I did (trips to waterparks, amusement parks, children museums, Christmas cookie baking, etc).  One day. SGD said, " you're not my real grandma".  I said, that's true and changed the subject.  I'm sure that wasn't her idea.

I took it as, oh well, thats the way it is.  I sometimes felt like my role was primarily gift donor.  I know where you are coming from when you put out a lot of effort and money.  If you choose to do it. I wouldn't expect much recognition or thanks.

Now that our BM had passed, I've noticed that my status has risen.  I have also noticed that 2 of the SGDs have become closer to me, calling, texting, staying in contact.  I try not to get too giddy about that, being a SM has made me cynical.  

In any event, this vacay sounds it went better than your earlier ones.  That's a positive step.

If you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get.

As long as you and your DH continue to chase after and reward the bad behavior and narcissism of his older sons, nothing is going to change. They'll keep using you and taking everything you give them without a second thought.

You are NOTHING to them. Do you get that? Twenty-one years, and still NOTHING. Just a purse, married to a wallet.

It may be also that the skids wanted to appear like THEY were the ones that could afford to have such a luxe vacay?  Hanging with parents isn't cool.. having to have them pay etc...

It also may be that the emotional fallout of posting things with their father that mom could see is just too risky.  You say she is a Pas'er.. she is a one upper.. maybe they don't or can't bring themselves to do something that will bring her "wrath" on them?  Some people are strong enough to say  "Eff it.. I'm an adult and I will hang out with whoever I please".. others will try to downplay it because it is less risky for them.

If they were reasonably respectful and "fun" and pleasant to you during the vacation (even if they didn't do much help).. I think you probably might want to try to dwell on the good stuff because BM and her Toxic mess don't need to cloud those good vacation memories.

I would never go on another vacation with them again - DH can pay and do everything - but I would have quit going on vacation with them a long time ago. It's absurd to me that DH keeps paying such exorbitant costs to keep his kids in his life.  And as long as he does so, he's going to get the same treatment from them.

So if he's intent on continuing to buy their pretend love, he would have to do it on his own.

My SIL does the same thing. She is trying to make it look like she is rich/clever/blessed etc... All on her own. She lives in my mother's house and doesn't pay rent but makes posts like she is a "homeowner"

Stop doing for them.  Tell DH it is a lesson in Integrity.

Ive been obsessed with Lakehouses recently. But a beach house sounds like another slice of heaven pie.

And they were rushing out to go to BM? Good riddance! More time and energy for YOUR kiddos.

And get security cameras for Lakehouse because the SS25 will certainly disrespect and violate your haven, if given the address.

Good progress on not doing EVERYTHING for these ungrateful kids this year!  I'd be ticked off too about how they are portraying it on social media.  My SD18, would never post anything that included our family - just the BMs.  I ended up muting her on social media.  I don't need those bad feelings in my life.