Somehow I've run across several posts from you today, StepAside that have really brought a lot of perspective and clarity. I've always enjoyed your posts and appreciate the humor, honesty and good advice, but today I've really been struck at just how much your experience with your SM is just exactly my situation. You've always said it but something in the way I interpreted your posts today made it sink in. So, thank you. Thank you for explaining it again

All these years of trying to build a relationship with skids and do the right thing by them, keeping it all fair, making sure we continue family dinners, traditions, invite them to bdays, fathers days, etc...trying again and again and again - even through their shitty attitudes, rude and hostile behavior, almost criminal activity, hatred for me, hostility toward my kids... I kept on trying and ... HONESTLY -- it NEVER once occurred to me that all the skids wanted was for their dad to do it on his own.

Seriously... he never so much as purchased a birthday card or helped with one spelling word when they were kids before he divorced - BM did it all. So in 'our' home, so as not to build a place the skids were uncomfortable and hated for being so different from HOME, I assumed I was 'supposed' to do all those things to help dh keep the relationship with his kids 'alive.' It was never ever an attempt to cover for him. I was doing the same thing for his kids that his ex did, that I did for MY kids -- which means it's what I did for my ex-husband as well.

In my world, my entire family (and I'm the first and only divorce, as was my ex-husband, so it's not a step thing) the MOMs just do the shopping and planning and event scheduling and organizing. We craft things and make sure all the gifts at holidays are even. We make sure there are bday parties and regular family dinners and game night. We arrange the invites and communicate them out. We treat all kids equally across families - so, cousins, nephews etc. -- for there to be INEQUALITY is just unheard of.

As a SM, I could NEVER have just sat by and watched DH kids NOT get the same gifts, attention, love, time as my own kids. Not because I was trying to be in their space, not because I was trying to cover for him or hide his flaws... but just because that's what I do. So, after reading several of your posts today re: your thoughts on your own SM today I get it. I think. What you're saying is that the whole 'make it equal, fair, etc' doesn't matter one bit if it's not coming from dad. SM might be a saint or a bitch but whatever she is is irrelevant if dad isn't actually making the moves, texting, calling, etc.

Even if dad just doesn't do that? Doesn't have a clue? Not sure if you've ever read any of my blogs, and I wont go into the detail now, but what an eye opener. We might actually have zero relationship with skids now because dh simply never was the one to send the text or make the call himself.

When I disengaged 3 or so years ago, I backed off a lot. I stopped worrying about bdays and fathers day dinners, inviting skids to things etc. told dh if he wanted to do things w them, invite them but I was out of the loop. He didn't. I KNOW the SKIDS know he didn't have a clue. They're all adults. Part of me thinks they should have given him a break and told him they just wanted some attention without me directing him. The other part of me knows he could have figured it out. he's an engineer. and here's the thing. He DOES THIS with my kids. He goes out of his way to call them to invite them to dinner or get a little gift for the baby or whatever. If he sees on fb that my daughters husband is working late, he'll go over and shovel. If he sees my son asking for some input on something he'll text him his advice.

I've asked him why he does this for mine but didn't do this for his own kids and he says because they don't care. they don't keep in touch. they don't acknowledge his bday or fathers day, they never give a rats ass about him... but mine love him and he feels like family with them.

Wild. All the kids were teenagers when we got together. Yet this. What a very strange web SMs might weave just by trying to do the right thing.

Thanks again!