(Posted it on Bio/Step Dad Forum as well)

This is more for the benefit of my SO but have any of you bio-fathers (or SM's with biodad husbands) felt it necessary to "disengage" to a certain degree with your adult biodaughter as a result of their behavior towards YOU specifically?

Summary: My SO has 3 biokids, one of which is a 19 yr old daughter (20 in a week actually). As a result of her mother's Golden Uterus complex as well as extreme narcissism, SD19 and her father have a very strained relationship. PAS is definitely advocated by her mother. I have been dating (now engaged) my SO for 4 1/2 yrs and been through a lot and seen a lot. SD19 is a lot like her BM, selfish and narcissistic and manipulative. She was friends with SO for a while when we were first dating but then began to "flip" to BM's side. SD19 has been in therapy when she was in high school after a suicide threat and my SO faithfully attended with her on his time with her but it eventually became a bash Dad session and he had enough. Even the therapist conceded that SD cannot be friends with both parents at once and feels it necessary to constantly play them off each other.

SD19 hates me because I refuse to allow her to disrespect her father in my presence. I have called her out on it to her face and she now uses me as an additional excuse to alienate her dad who has tried hard to be loving and keep in contact. I am totally disconnected from her (also because she uses my youngest daughter as a living doll when it suits her needs and then blows the little girl off when she isnt using her to impress a boyfriend). His texts, emails and calls are ignored or given monosyllabic responses. She used us for a while off and on to try and impress her many boyfriends and I finally had enough of her playing games and using us and I stopped it. She is lazy and unfocused on her future and makes poor choices regarding money and how she treats people but no drinking or drugs or criminal activities thank God.

She has always been her mother's pet and was used as a sounding board even before the divorce. Her mother uses her as a girlfriend and tells her inappropriate things about her relationships. Now suddenly BM is slowly realizing the monster she created. BM has never supported the relationship between SO and SD. She keeps telling him it's his problem not hers. SD continually rips on her father behind his back to her mother as well as BM's doofus boyfriend and the other two biokids (they tell us about it all the time). SD is also enabled by my SO's mother (her grandmother) but that's a whole nother story.

SO and I got in a heated discussion yesterday. He is constantly talking to SD about medical insurance over the last two months and warning her that his insurance wont keep her on unless she is a student (this is according to his HR at work). She of course is blowing off what classes she has taken and wants to move in with her latest boyfriend (of 4 months) outside of district and isnt signed up for any college classes at all. He has talked to her about this like seven times and I am tired of hearing about it. I finally snapped and went off last night telling him that she is an ADULT, says she is, claims she knows everything (she is very immature for her age however), and doesnt want his help or advice and hasnt for years. She only contacts him for money or if she wants something - only real financial tie is he has some funds saved for her college tuition only in a 529 account and once it's depleted, that's it. He actually got a Merry Christmas text because he gave her a gift. No Happy Birthday or Happy Father's Day this year however.

I told him that it was time for him to emotionally disengage and stop allowing her to treat him like shit. Yes, she is his biokid and his first child. I dont want him to cut contact or not be there for her if she truly and legitimately needs him. But at the same time, if this was not a blood relative, her behavior would not warrant any of us staying in her life. He needs to begin the cutting of the cord and stop worrying about proving himself a good father. He is an excellent dad and has two other great kids to show for it as well as how he is with my three biokids who adore him and consider him a second father.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. Please, any insight into this that any biodads dealing with selfish ADULT kids would be very helpful. Any SM's that have SO's or DH's dealing with this as well, please, your input is greatly appreciated as well.