My journey with BM started back in 1997. When I first met my DH, he was divorced and semi-raising 2 girls. I really admired this about him, and found it an endearing quality. It really is what attracted me to him in the 1st place. In dating him, I would enquire about the BM…you know how it is, you’re curious. He would always tell me stories of how evil she was, etc. I just assumed that he was a bitter ex-husband seeing as how she left him for an affair. Being a product of a bitter divorce, and subsequent SM myself, I was determined to make it work with BM. My own mother HATED my SM with a passion, and made my life a living hell if I even hinted to the fact that I actually liked my SM. So, you can see where my need to “make it work” came from.

It started like any other oppositional relationship would. She hated me and I tried to be nice. Those of you who know me outside of this site, likely know that I’m a big mouth and tend to have the filter on my mouth in the “off” position 99.9% of the time. She pissed me off one too many times and I cut loose on her, never fearing the outcome. After DH and I got married, it got worse. I just couldn’t understand it. Wouldn’t a BM want a person in their child’s life who loved them as a parent should? I did love those little girls like they were my own (and must confess I still do, only now from a guarded position). I would think one would be happy about this. Not her. She despised me. I even called her from time to time to check on the girls and to chat about any issues that had come up from a visitation. Most of the time, she blew me off. Others, she just told me what I wanted to hear so I would shut up. I just didn’t get it. I won’t go into all the stupid crap she did over the years, b/c really it’s irrelevant. However, I will tell you that after a while, I got the hint and stopped trying to communicate with her, period.

Unless I wanted to bitch her out for treating the girls like poo or something like that, I didn’t act as though she existed. Which, honestly, was for the best. It wasn’t until 2001 that I got a taste of what she was really like. She handed over the girls and all their belongings without much of a fight. Just dropped them off….. Merry F’in Christmas to you…ya know? I was peacefully enjoying my suburban life of being a SAHM with our 2 boys and really wasn’t up for raising her kids, even though I loved them and knew they were better of with us. No discussion was ever had regarding this decision SHE made. I was MAD, really mad! How can she just uproot my seemingly happy suburban life? Damn her! I felt this was all just part of her master plan to ruin my life. After all, she did hate me with an intense hatred I’d never experienced before.

Not long after the girls were dropped on my doorstep, we discovered that she was in a mental institution. My reaction was “well it’s about time”. I was not at all kind to her about it, nor was I compassionate. She had done way too much to me for me to ever get over it. How could I possibly be expected to show compassion? Well, I’m a softie deep down, and so when Mother’s Day rolled around, I had the girls draw her pictures and write her letters. I took her the drawings and the letters and the school pictures I had gotten back by now. I took them to this awful place she was in. It smelled like a nursing home and I felt like puking the minute I walked through the door! Mostly b/c of the smell, but also b/c of the place. It was a mental institution for the indigent, so it wasn’t the nicest! The thought of someone being in a place like that creeped me out! Anyway, I went and gave her the items I had and chatted with her VERY briefly and left. She hugged me when I left and thanked me for bringing those things to her. After leaving, I thought…”yeah, she really does need to be here if she’s hugging me!”

After she got out, she went back to hating me, and I was OK with that. The girls really didn’t want anything to do with her because they were scared of her. I didn’t push the issue, and neither did DH. Though now I realize that we really should have encouraged a relationship with her. I was selfish really and wanted them to love only me. It was like that for several years after that…the same pattern of her in/out of mental institutions. Always wondering when she was going to succeed in killing herself and what I would tell the girls. Wishing she would either disappear for good out of their lives or be a constant presence. Either one would have been fine, b/c the coming in/out of their lives was making them nuts, and us too.

Finally 4 wks ago, she attempted to kill herself yet again. I blogged about that here, so you can read about that. I also blogged about my 1st visit with her in the mental hospital….you can read about that too. So you ask what is my purpose in this blog if I already blogged about it? It’s simple really. I wanted to share my journey with her with you. I know most of you guys despise your BM’s, hell, I did too. But with a little compassion, you can bridge that gap if you have a desire too. Chances are likely that a little understanding on both parts goes a loooong way!

Anyway, after I blogged about my visit, I received a LOT of PMs about how much people thought it was cool what I did for her, etc. I responded to each and every one of them….took days, but I did it. I didn’t blog about that to get the kudos, just to share and possibly bring hope to others. After all, isn’t that what we are really here for? One member in particular got my attention. She didn’t PM me, I PMd her for answers to questions about mental illness b/c I knew she was going through it on her own. I will not share our PM’s, except to say that she helped me to understand BM in a way I never thought possible and never really even considered the possibility of a relationship with BM. She explained the mental illness in a way that no book I read or internet explanation could. For that, I am eternally grateful. While I do now understand that I am not ever going to be able to bridge the gap with BM in the way that I want to, I can bridge it in a way BM can understand.

I am sad that BM will never be able to have a real interpersonal relationship with anyone, let alone me. It makes me sad for her that she could not help her actions now, or all those years ago. I regret being rude and uncompassionate towards her. I really do. She couldn’t help it. My brother is a psychologist and once asked me (after my raging to him about BM), “doesn’t she deserve the basic respect every human does, just simply for being a human?” My answer was simply “no, not after what she has put me through.” I had to change the way I saw her…..flat out. I had to change what my definition of respect was. I defined respect in a way that didn’t include her. I finally realized that yes; she is a human and DOES deserve the basic respect we give to human life. I should know this better than most. I am an EMT and took an oath to help sustain life, yet I couldn’t respect her basic need for it.

This change really did come about after I did something I feel badly about. I read her medical records. I violated her privacy. I obtained those records illegally and should NOT have done so. However, I wanted to know what made her tick. What happened to her that made her the way she is? Why does she hate DH so much? What could possibly be so bad? I was not at all prepared for what I read. She had been abused sexually by her father and had also sexually abused her younger brother. She admitted to having multiple affairs when married to DH as well as doing drugs we didn’t know about. There, in that instant, I saw her as a hurt little girl. I cried, and then I puked. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It made me sick, so I can imagine how she felt. All those years of turmoil with her all boiled down to this very second. And I felt like a piece of crap for ever being rue to her, sometimes downright mean. So, I went to visit her for the 1st time in yrs at the hospital which began this entire journey. DH doesn’t understand it, and I’m sure most of you won’t either.

Steppingstones recommended a book for me to read called, “Stepwives”. It’s fabulous and might help a lot of you accept your BM’s for who they are and try to make things work out with them. Of course, it would help tremendously if your BM would read the book too, but like steppingstones BM did, many will toss it out. Keep trying though, because the only thing you have to lose is your pride.