a little bit, and whine some too. A few blogs back, a lady had written about hate for your step-children. A debate was going about this subject, and having lived a similar situation, I saw BOTH sides of the debate. I am going through some very UNEXPECTED emotions now and really just need to run off at the mouth, otherwise known as "word vomit".

I have 2 SD's as some of you know. SD18 is pregnant and about to deliver any day now. She moved out under some bad circumstances about a year ago (almost to the date of SD16 moving out to live with BM). A brief history (well I'll try to keep it brief)..... BM (mentally ill) has been in/out of SD's lives for many years. She would come in then disappear for years at a time. When SD18 had just turned 16, we allowed her to get her license and drive. We bought her a cheap car that she had to pay back, so this meant getting a job. BM was no where to be found at this point. Out of the clear blue one day, we get a summons that she is taking us to court because we "refuse" to allow her to see her children. It is kinda hard to do when haven't see/heard from her in about 2 yrs at that point. We go to court and neither one of the SD's even wants to speak with her, they felt abandoned ( I don't blame them). The judge ordered supervised visitation because she was capable of physical harm as she had been violent in the past. Fine, but we did not force them to go. Plus the judge ordered that we pay the supervising service, not gonna happen. So, we just let it ride until a few months go by and she gets on her high horse about visitation, we go back to court. We explain that neither of the girls want to go, and we are NOT paying for her to visit with her kids, she caused this mess, she can pay for it. Judge agrees, and orders us to allow phone calls, we never dis-allowed (is that a word?) them. But fine, we were ordered to give SD's BM's cell #. Fine, neither of them use it, but fine.

A few months go by and no word from BM. Fine with me!!!! SD18 (then early 17) starts to go buck wild. Staying out all night, sneaking out, having sex with random people, etc. We, of course, punish her....take away car, etc. We could NOT figure out where this behavior was coming fom considering she had NEVER acted like this before. Come to find out, when she started getting into trouble, she would call BM. BM would tell her how mean we were, etc, fueling her fire. So, one weekend she tried to pull some crap with wanting to go to a college out of town with a friend to "visit". We said NO, because of the crap she had pulled only a few short weeks before. Now, this kid had a 4.0 in February and was a police explorer (a program for teens who want to be a cop) and was active in church, etc. She caused the biggest stinkin mess over that, we actually asked her to move in with BM. She did, and it has been hell with her ever since. She barely graduated high school in May of last year. Her BM let SD's BF20 move in with them. His is a loser and a thug (another story). She got pregnant in August sometime (big shock right??). This is a great arguement for BM's screwing up kids lives!!!!

Brings me to present, finally ;). Since she is about to give birth, my DH has been very sad that he probably won't know his granddaughter because SD18 won't even speak to us. Recently, I have felt like I don't have a whole lot of use for her, but this is killing DH. He lives for his kids. She recently lied to the social security office and said that while she lived with us, we did not use her ss money for her needs. This sparked a whole audit thing, in which we were cleared, but the lie still remains. She has always had a problem with the lies. Recently, seeing what it is doing to DH, I have tried to communicate with her via text and email for her to allow him to see the baby, when it does arrive. She text me today and said that if I didn't leave her alone, she would sue me for harrassment. She probably would, though I am NOT afraid. I finally told DH about the emails, and texts. He said "Why don't you just leave her alone", really snotty like. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her because of all the lies. I understand, but this has sparked a LOT of emotions in me tonight.

First, I do understand the afore mentioned debate about the parents created the child, so therefroe be angry with the parent, not the child. At what point does this transfer to the child. Yes she is still a child, but yet legally she is an adult. At what point does the "child" actually get to accept responsibilty for themselves? I mean, I DO understand that BM made her this way, but I can't help but really, really, dislike her. I won't say hate, because I personally don't hate anyone, but it is as close as one can get. However, I think I am mourning the loss of this child. I raised her and treated her as my own and had developed a bond with her that was broken the minute BM arrived back on the seen. Am I wrong to be mourning this child? I know I shouldn't have gotten involved, and I should butt out, this I know. But, somehow I can't let her go....why? She has caused both DH & I unending pain, so why do I still feel the need to connect with her? Is it because she is pregnant? I don't understand, and nothing I do in this situation seems right. If I do butt out, I feel as though I am walking away from my child. If I don't, apparently I am making her and DH mad. Whose feelings count? Why does the SM always get the shaft? These are age old questions, I know, but I cannot help feeling that way. In a way, I want to beat the crap out of her, and in another way, I want to hug her and tell her I love her. I flop back and forth from anger to immense love......why? Why do I do this to myself?