Sorry for the rant, but I'm new and have a lot to say! I'm new here but not new to BM issues and step-parenting. A little history lesson, to start: I've been married to DH since 2008, but we've been "together" since 2005. I met him when he was a divorced single father to his DD who was just barely 2 at the time. BM is a crazy, immature, idiotic, irrational...you get it - she's no good, and left her hubby to be with another man which meant she also left her DD. She chose to come back to TX and assume parental responsibility only after DH told her he'd started dating me (I insisted, as I was in his DD's life too and she as BM had a right to know who I was) and then proceeded with "operation destroy SM" which is somewhat still ongoing. The troubles with SD started almost immediately after BM returned to the picture and she started acting out in all sorts of ways. My DD was 8 at the time and absolutely hated both of them because of the tension and drama. Our house was a full blown chaotic mess and then, naturally...we found out we were expecting our DD who is now 5. This only added to the fuel of BM's mission and she went full blown NUTS. She would send DD back to our house with explicit instructions not to hug me, not to tell me she loved me, not to listen to me, not to be nice...the list goes on. Eventually the strain destroyed my relationship with DH and we separated shortly after our DD was born in 2006. After two years of back and forth, he and I reconciled and attempted to 'give it another try'. In 2008, we married and became a blended family - his DD, my DD and our DD who were ages 10, 4, and 2. Shortly after our married, BM announced her (forced, demanded) engagement to lose SD who is a pompous asshole. Not sure why she'd marry someone she claims is "mean" to her daughter but that's neither here nor there. DD starts acting absolutely NUTS - talking to herself, pacing, tapping her head, flapping her hands, making weird faces, walking in circles, anti-social behavior at school, attention problems. The strange ass behavior culminates in her threatening to kill my DD and kicking her in the face..so we get concerned and take her to the pedi who tells us she needs some psychological counseling. Agreed. We find a pediatric psychologist (not an easy feat when you're dealing with a 4 almost 5 year old!!) who agrees to see her but interviews both families first. DH and I go in and lay it all out, tell the truth about our own faults and accomplishments with SD and reveal all the trouble we've had. BM and her worthless counterpart go in and lie. Full blown lie. Claim never to have any issues with SD when she is at their house and proclaim she is an angel straight from God! Psychologist spends all of 10 minutes with SD and deduces that she is "stressed" because of the tension between families. Psychologist gets new asshole ripped by DH and I and we realize we are on our own. Eventually trouble ensues at our home again and culminates again with another physical attack on my DH by her SS but this time, it's sexual in nature and DH and I deem it is no longer safe for his DD to remain in our home. DH and BM meet and discuss DD living with BM for a trial period and go from there. Needless to say, DH allowed DD to go with mom because she expressed desire to "live with mom" which is fine with us. Just want the kid to be happy so she's normal and quits assaulting my children. That's all. Skid comes and visits with us and seems to be doing well, then suddenly bursts in to emotional rant and tantrum one day while visiting and states that SD has "touched her" (mind you, she's 6 at the time) so we refuse to let her go back (DH technically still has custody at this point) and call CPS to investigate. What a joke. CPS ends up never talking to DH, but interviews me and paints me as evil step mom, sides with BM and refuses to believe child that anything with SD ever happened. BM convinces SD to tell DH that she "lied" and "made it all up" and CPS recommends SD return to live with BM so custody is then transferred over. Needless to say, after attack on my DD, I refuse to have the evil child here unless DH is here because Lord knows I don't want her making up lies about ME so DH's visits are few and far between due to his work schedule. He calls his DD regularly and talks to her often and explains why no visits or why long delay in between visits. In the meantime, BM "confesses" after she has custody that she's done nothing but bad mouth DH and I to SD all these years and even laughs and admits that they (BM and Douche Bag SD) used to call me "wicked witch" and even encouraged SD to do it. At this point, DH and I realize there is no attempting to be civil or friendly with BM or SD because they're just nasty people who do nothing but create and stir drama and unfortunately they're taking down SD with them. She's weird and acts strange and says strange stuff and is an odd-ball in our family no matter how hard we try to assimilate her and incorporate her in our mix, she just doesn't mesh and refuses to be part of our "family". I feel terrible for DH because he loves his DD and does his best to be a good Dad to her (sees her, talks to her, pays his CS, loves her) but the harder he tries the harder BM tries to undermine him and the more crap she feeds her kid. Tells her stuff like "Daddy doesn't love you because he has a new family now" - what the hell? She's remarried so does that mean she doesn't love her kid? She refused to allow SD to call me "Mom" even though SD wanted to, but forces her own SD to call her "Momma". We've been dealing with crap like this for years and at this point we're feeling very much like we have no choice but to disengage and back off. We can't fight the lies and waste our time and effort and energy continuing to build something up just to have it torn down again and again. Our family has suffered enough but when do you stop trying? What does DH do? He doesn't want to walk away from his DD but I see the writing on the wall...she's not going to get any better and is so far lost and gone in her mother's image that I don't see any hope for her. She scares the crap out of me and I fear what she might do to me or my children as she gets older. DH thinks I'm being paranoid but I don't. This child hates me, and resents the hell out of my children (she's been told both myself and my children are the reason her BM and Dad aren't married anymore...nevermind the fact that BM is a whore and left her hubby!) so I legitimately fear for our future. I can say that she'd had a much better quality life with us (we live in a MUCH nicer home, in a nice neighborhood with nice schools) but she's miserable when she's at our house and just wants to go home. Lately she's been telling DH's parents (grandparents) that she doesn't want to live with BM anymore but doesn't want to live at our house with me. No idea what to do or if there is even anything we CAN do, but just sucks to see my DH suffer through this and literally watch him mourn the loss of his living child. As for our family, it has survived and is thriving as a blended family now which I never thought I'd live to see! My DH loves my DD (his SD) and my DD is 13 and loves her SD...she even asked if she could call him Dad and her SM (her bio-dad is remarried and we ALL get along fabulously!) Mom. I can honestly sit back and say that it is NOT me that's the issue here because my ex and I get along just fine and raise our DD together as much as possible. I adore my DD's SM and love their kiddos as well. It makes NO sense to me how one group of parents can get along and raise a child while divorced and the 'other parents' can get along just fine, but in this instance my DH's ex-wife just wants to screw everything up and her new husband is just as big a piece of crap as she is!