Not welcome @ 27 yr. old SD's wedding...
Needing pearls of wisdom and/or shared experiences!
My SD27 is getting married in May. At first she told my husband that I could come as long as I didn't create any problems (yeah - I know - I am 56 year old trouble maker).
After many couple therapy sessions I recently shared that that I realized I said I wouldn't go because I was trying to protect my husband's feelings. Our therapist responded, "I am not normally this assertive but I am compelled to be right now - your wife needs to go - she belongs by your side".
Wow. To get that kind of validation was liberating.
My husband called SD yesterday morning and said I decided to come after all. He asked if our best friends (who she has met) could come as well. She said yes.
But then later in the day she called her father and had a 2-hour screaming meltdown saying the only way I could come now is if I call her tonight and listen to her laundry list of grievances and then apologize for all of the things I've done to her over the years.
Of course I told my husband I am not comfortable with that. If he tried to persuade me I would feel like I was being thrown under the bus. He agrees it might not be such a good idea but he is still trying to figure out a way to make everybody & everything okay - he still wants to walk her down the aisle - but he also wants me there.
Thank God we have a great therapist. If it hadn't been for her as well as the fact that my husband read read the book, "Stepmonster", we would probably be on our way to a formal separation.
Anybody ever been through something similar? Any creative ideas from anyone?
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not yet, but probably IF my
not yet, but probably IF my sd gets married we'll have the same problem.
have her email you her laundry list ~ have the ungrateful bitch own it by putting it in writing and you can respond if you feel she has any valid points and it may work out well for both of you. if it's just a big bitch fest, then scratch the wedding and the "GIFT" no gift from you or dh, no money, NOTHING... if dh must go, have him walk her down the isle and then immediately leave.
This is an idea I also had...
This is an idea I also had... I like it!
Are you and your DH paying
Are you and your DH paying for any of this wedding? If so SD should keep her mouth shut. If you calling her up and dragging up the past is a condition of you going I would not go.
My SD recently got married I HATE her BM but she is Ok (no real bad feeling there) I was not going to go because of BM (liar and horrible human being) but decided for SD's sake would put on an award winning performance and have a good time. Lots of wine helped. Was fake phony to BM and the hate went back on went I walked out of the reception.
I was doing SD the favor of going - not the other way around.
But I would suggest if people cant put stuff the to side for the day - then dont go.
To answer the question from
To answer the question from many about who is paying -- SD & her fiancee earn over $300,000 per year combined and want to fund their own wedding. My husband is 60 years old and works in the public sector (I was laid off from my job in public sector and there are threats that he might lose his job at anytime and subsequently lose retirement). He would contribute - even if we went into debt.
Your question: Why doesn't
Your question: Why doesn't you SD want you at her wedding ?
A: She doesn't now nor ever has wanted me in her father's life. Please read on:
After the divorce when she was 10 years old she found her mother's journal (evidently left out a lot) and read that her mother was going to kill herself because of divorce and because of me. What 10 year old would not want to save her mother's life by keeping us apart? During the first week of my husband and I moving in together BM called to say SD wanted to move in with us (& my daughter 10 yrs. old and 8 yr old son). She moved in and within the year we had split up. I honestly think she felt she had to save her mother's life by getting me out of father's life. It worked. My husband was full of guilt for hurting his daughter and he and I lost what little solid partnership we had begun build.
Within 6 months of my moving out - and with the mission accomplished -- she returned to her mother 2 hours away. Within a year my husband & I reconciled and he moved to Arizona where I was living. After another year of being together he moved back to Texas to her hometown to be close to her (guilt still motivating him). She promised to move in with him but didn't - she stayed with her Mom and wealthy SF. With his heart broken he moved back and we marreid. We have been together ever since.
Then she tried moving out to our city two times and moved back each time. Somehow I am to blame for each failure. Not sure how - her father ran interference all of the time and protected her from a lot. Maybe she didn't like my boundaries, e.g. when she moved to our state as a teenager she had numerous speeding tickets - & a very expensive Mustang. Her mother bailed her out of each and every speeding ticket. I refused to enable this behavior when she moved to be with us. I told my husband that we should not pay for her excessively high car insurance - which was huge because of all of the speeding tickets.
Why do you want to go ?
A: Because I am my husband's wife and I belong by his side. We have a right to exist.
Did you pay for the wedding ?
A: See response in earlier post to same question by another person.
OMG! Wow! Thank you so
OMG! Wow! Thank you so much...
As a couple we have rights:
1) The right to exist
2) The right to be by each other's side
3) The right to be treated with respect
We also have responsibilities:
1) To honor each other and our union
2) To treat each other and all other people with respect
2) To work at owning our own stuff - both as individuals and as a couple
Anyone else want to come up with more?
Another OMG! Thank you!
Another OMG! Thank you! ]
Couples indeed are a unit - if they don't integrate that into the relationship it could well fail!
Please see my post above -
Please see my post above - all people & all couples have rights - but THEY ALSO HAVE RESPONSIBILITES!
I am sorry you were treated this way. There is absolutely no excuse for this. Whether it be a parent, stepparent, relative or stranger!
The responsibility to treat others with respect is at the core of all healthy human relationships. In absence of this - as you clearly experienced - then you have a responsibility to yourself to protect yourself. Certainly you also deserved for your father to step up and protect you!
Wow! You spent a whole
Wow! You spent a whole weekend being subjected to the venting? How old is she? Sounds very painful!
What triggered a lot of the current pain is that over Thanksgiving I decided (along with the advice of our couple's therapist) to stop trying so hard to connect with her. So I stepped back a bit energetically. Didn't engage as much but wasn't rude either. Then the proverbial *&^##@ hit the fan! She told her father that I abused her the entire time.
The demon she seeks to exorcise by listing all of her grievances is deep and complicated... has little to do with me. It has to do with the trauma of the divorce and especially the BM unabashed display of victimization. It will take a conscious effort on SD's part to peel the layers of the onion off this stuff. She will definitely need the help of a professional to begin to heal and see the reality of the past 17 years. I feel for her - I wish I could help her but I cannot. I can only continue with peeling the layers of my own stuff - and to be honest with myself.
Thanks for the reality check
Thanks for the reality check on "caring for SD". You are so right - my SD is also really good at looking out for herself. I've spent way too much time bending to her perceived needs - and her pain. She is 27 years old - earns over $100k per year. She can absolutely look out for herself.
It is obvious that nothing I do or don't do will change how she feels.
The latest demand as I mentioned is that I am supposed to call her so she can list her complaints. I told my husband if she has something to say to me - then she can call me.
I am not a peasant who resides in her kingdom - I am not her subject - and I will not be summoned to her feet to be subjected to her inquisition. Frankly, I would have preferred that my husband inform her that he wouldn't dignify this request/demand by passing on the message to me.
I have two grown kids. It dawned on me last night that if they had uninvited my husband to their wedding - then they would have uninvited me as well -- and I wouldn't hesitate to tell them that. Unfortunately, I don't think he is at a place to be able to do that. What does that mean for our marriage? I can't honestly say...
Thank you again - we are definitely on the same page on this one. I will keep you updated on the latest unfolding drama -
I'm trying really hard to
I'm trying really hard to understand why the ever blame us to begin with. I understand that in certain situations there may have been infidelity and as such I suppose I can understand how that is hurtful especially if their dad is the one who left because of that. However, in many of these situations, the parents have been officially divorced for YEARS yet the kids never want to accept the SM and worse - blame her for their hardships. I am trying to understand my SD's 20 & 23 and why they blame me for their father falling out of love with their mother LONG before I was around and even knew SO. Do they think that we ruin any chance to reconcile? I mean they are divorced...it's over, how much more final could that be? Seriously...I want to know why it is that everything becomes our fault.
I gotta to give you credit.
I gotta to give you credit. IF DH allowed his child to uninvite me from her wedding or any other special occasion & he was going to go much less participate... I would leave him. I would feel so disrespected.
Thank you... I must say that
Thank you... I must say that if this continues into the years - for example if I am not welcome to visit for her future children's birthdays then it will have an affect on the marriage if he continues to go without me... how can it not?
If my husband's girls told my
If my husband's girls told my husband that they did not want me to attend their wedding, I simply would not go. I wouldn't make him choose and I would insist that he be there. HOWEVER, not one red cent would be spent on the wedding or for a gift. They would get his attendance. That's it.
Thank you. I love your quote,
Thank you. I love your quote, "Excuses don't turn kids into great adults. Expectations do"
My husband knows where his
My husband knows where his bread is buttered. He would never do this. He is a 3rd husband. He knows I have no qualms about walking. My philosophy of a relationship is trust and mutual respect. If he did that against my wishes he would be breaking our foundation.
However I am in a different situation than most here. We have no children together and I am self-supportive. He knows I'm with him because I want to be, not because I have to be. He also knows that I would never do that to him. We actually do use "shoe on the other foot." I think it gives us both a conscience.
I may have no choice -
I may have no choice - problem is when will this stop? When her kids have birthday parties all throughout their lives - will I still have to remain invisible?
Thank you - very helpful! I
Thank you - very helpful! I am so sorry for my SD trauma - mostly caused by BM. I wish I could make things better for her but I can't because she sees me as the enemy.
This is definitely something
This is definitely something I am anticipating happening in my situation as well and I am not looking forward to it!
I think it's great that you are going to couple's therapy, sounds like it is helping. Your DH sounds like a decent man, you go to therapy together and he definitely wants you there at the wedding. So already there are a lot of pluses in this situation.
I definitely think you should NOT have any discussions with your SD because they will be projections and/or issues that are really about how she feels about your DH or her BM, or insecurities about herself, not you.
Also remember that your SD initially said yes, and then later called your DH to say there were conditions. This could mean a few things; she either spoke to her BM about it or she started thinking about your DH spending time with you there and how that might take the focus off her. Something dysfunctional occurred in that time!
Personally, I would go as it's important for your SD to see that you and your DH are a unit. This will set a good example for your future. If you stay home, your SD will think she won and will probably continue to exclude you from future events. It might help to say to yourself that you are going there in support of your DH, not her.
Your comment about your DH wanting everyone and everything to be okay, the sad reality is that everything and everyone is not okay. If you go together to this wedding and you are made to feel uncomfortable in any way, at least he will be a witness to this and it might open his eyes to what is going on. You just go along with your dignity and hold your head high.
Also, make sure there is no BS on the day like being asked not to sit with DH or something like that.
Finally make sure you look really good on the day especially if BM is going to be there! lol
Good luck, let us know what you decide to do!!
Sounds like you understand so
Sounds like you understand so many of the important dynamics! I so appreciate this sound advice. Thank you. I am going to print it up and review it before our couple's therapy session tomorrow morning. I will definitely let everyone know what I decide to do!
Thanks everyone!!!
Sounds like you understand so
Sounds like you understand so many of the important dynamics! I so appreciate this sound advice. Thank you. I am going to print it up and review it before our couple's therapy session tomorrow morning. I will definitely let everyone know what I decide to do!
Thanks everyone!!!
Hmmm... interesting idea!
Hmmm... interesting idea! Don't think my husband would go for it - but I will definitely bring it up in therapy this morning. If he does end up going without me - it won't be without a price - some kind of damage to the "us" of us...
Guess I could always crash the wedding on my own! That puts a whole new spin on the idea of a "wedding crasher". Actually, it sounds like a very sad movie version of the typical comedy doesn't it?
This may not go with the
This may not go with the majority, here, but I seriously hope I am NOT invited to any of the SKIDS weddings. Although, just the fact that they are so low-rent (along with BM and her family) it may be good for a laugh. SD24 will probably never give up the taxpayer gravy train to get married. And, if she did, I wouldn't even want to be there. DH can handle this one all by himself. He and BM condone every move she makes, so they can take care of it. God bless any woman who would marry SS26.