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SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:15am

Hello again everyone,

It's been over 3 years since I last posted on this site. So what's changed?  

I stopped looking at StepTalk shortly after I married my DH, I had spent many hours browsing on here and frankly some situations and stories from other members really bothered me. So I decided to log off and enjoy life with my new husband and step daughter. 

I'm not just a step mum anymore as last year my DH and I welcome OUR baby girl to the world. 

On the step front everything's actually really good, we expected some drama from BM when we announced we were expecting but she actually became more reasonable. Since then she and my DH have actually been able to communicate really well, there have been a few school issues for my SD and one teacher tried to play DH and BM against each other. BM rang to ask what was going on and they ended up attending a parents evening together to put a stop to it and it worked. SD was a little freaked out to realise her parents can and do talk to each other but I take that as a good thing. 

So why am I back? Well, my little one is a year old now and as we come up to the holidays I'm really wondering how we are going to manage the festive season on the years that SD isnt with us. So I figured I'd come here and ask you guys.

The current court order is that SD is a week by each paren over christmas and new year. One year with us for Christmas, the next year for New Year. So this year Christmas falls on the wednesday and SD is with BM and wont be back until New Years Eve. Do we just do Christmas day without her and keep her presents aside? This year it doesn't really matter as our baby girl is still so small but I want us to make any changes now so it's just the new normal. Last year was a non issue as SD was with us so the very first Christmas for my daughter included my SD which was perfect. 

I'm just worried how it's going to work if we just keep aside SDs presents until New Year when our daughter is 4 or 5. Do we hold back some of her presents too or just have her watch her sister open presents because shes already had hers? (First world problems I know, but up until now we have waited to celebrate Christmas until SD is with us)

SD is 9 this year so I think this year is the last year for toys anyway since shes becoming more interested in clothes and make up. 

How do you manage the festive season with blended/step families?

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:22am

You should not wait to do Christmas until SD is there. Do you want your child to think that SD is more important? Save SD presents for her and let your child open theirs. 

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:40am

Yes that is what we are planning. But what I mean is, when SD is then with us, should we keep a few presents aside for our child to open too or how do you get around the whole only one child watching another opening presents when it's not their birthday. 

We figured we could keep the present from SD until SD was with us so our child at least has 1 thing to open when SD arrived. 

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:59am

If you plan to have the children get gifts for one another (which, I think is a good idea - teach the "giving" part of the holiday too!), save those presents. 

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 9:12am

Yes we have always had SD pick out a present for me and her dad in the run up to Christmas. Usually I take her to look for her dad and vice versa, so now with our daughter in the mix we just add her in too. 

My SD chose a gift for her birth, likewise received a special gift from her baby sister on her birthday and christmas last year (obviously chosen by us until shes old enough to choose herself) 

I just have to stop myself from buying too much. It was normal to have nothing throughout the year but have ALOT at christmas and birthday when I was a kid, whereas my husband grew up with one single gift for birthday and one single gift for christmas so its hard to find a balance that feels right.

RogueSM's picture

Submitted by RogueSM on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:51am

The holidays can be a difficult time for everyone to manage but you have to always remember that your SD is already celebrating with her BM and didn't really miss out on anything, just the joy at your house. If she is close with your daughter and good with you keep some gifts unopened so this way you can still give off the family feel to everyone.

When my SD was younger and not with us for Christmas we would just leave her gifts under the tree and keep 1 or 2 for myself and DH so this way would open together and as she got older it didn't matter anymore.

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:58am

Yeah this is where it gets tricky. I'm english but now live in Belgium. 

Christmas is no big deal here, but it is in our house. Christmas at BMs is a small affair, as is normal for most Belgian households, so there is a big difference with how each household celebrates. Which we have explained to SD, she seems to understand, I'm just keen to avoid creating issues. If it were down to my husband he would just have everyone have 1 gift and that be it. 

I'm thinking the best bet would be like mentioned, do Christmas as normal on Christmas day, just keep presents for SD aside and keep the gifts that are from SD to us aside to open when shes here. Fingers crossed with the age difference by the time my daughter is old enough to notice/care, stepdaughter will be old enough that shes more interested in one big ticket item or cash so presents are less of an issue. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:55am

I'm kind of torn.

While I don't agree with getting the non-birthday child gifts on the other child's birthday, I think holding back a Christmas gift for your daughter to open with SD would be okay. It could be SD's Christmas gift to her sister.

Birthdays should be handled differently.

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 9:00am

I agree on birthdays it's only the birthday person that gets presents. (Though for out daughters 1st birthday some people bought gifts for SD, who actually wasnt with us for our daughters party as we wanted her on the actual day to celebrate just the 4 of us. Those presents we are keeping aside for SDs birthday which is in a few months anyway)

I think that's what we will do, keep back whatever gift SD has chosen for her sister, me and her dad. That way theres still something for our daughter to open. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 8:58am

This is tough, but over the last few years in blended life with nothing but drama drama drama on Holidays.....I finally put my foot down after last year.

We will celebrate ALL holiday's on the day they are supposed to be celebrated....no more Thanksgiving on the Saturday after or Christmas on the 29th....nope. If anyone misses Christmas Eve or Christmas Day....those gifts can be opened promptly when they return...but there will be no special celebration re created whatsoever.

My DH is supposed to have a schedule like yours....rotating years for all holidays but for the last 3 years it has not been followed...not one bit. It's last minute chaos and fighting and not knowing who will be where and when....then I end up pissed. I love Christmas but the last years of blended life have made me hate it....so something had to change.

ksmom14's picture

Submitted by ksmom14 on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 9:00am

We deal with this too with our DD's.

This will be the first year that they'll recognize it more we have DD4 and DD2, and skids were with us last year at Christmas.

My plan is to MAYBE save one gift for each DD to open with skids when they open theirs. Otherwise just get them involved, like tell DD to pick a present, then read who it is for, and ask her to go give to to that person. I guess you only have the one SD, but still if she's in charge of handing SD the gifts, she'll still feel involved and have fun. Or even give her a little treat/candy to occupy her while SD is opening gifts.

The other option is you could do SD gifts during DD's naptime, or after she goes to bed, since I"m assuming she goes to bed earlier than SD.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Thu, 10/31/2019 - 9:57am

All because SD isn't celebrating Christmas with *you* doesn't mean she isn't celebrating. She is still opening gifts on Christmas and spending time with family.

I wouldn't keep any gifts aside for your DD. Do Christmas with her on Christmas. Your DD will be growing up in a blended family and needs to learn that some years will be split where she is the child focus Christmas Day and her sister is the child focus on the day you all decide to celebrate Christmas with her.

There is no way to make this "equal" between the girls. SD will always have 2 Christmases and will likely always get more gifts, more attention, etc. It's the nature of split holidays. There is no point in trying to equalize it. 

Now, what you CAN do is try to come up with an annual tradition that includes both SD and DD. Maybe you make a batch of New Year's cookies, or go drive around looking at lights with hot cocoa, or insert other holiday "thing" that can be done whether you celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day or another day.

If you truly, truly think that your DD needs something to open on the off years, then maybe buy both girls a PJ set, or a collectable, or something memorable that they or all of you can open. But I would not put a lot of thought in keeping behind a Barbie or whatever so your DD doesn't feel "left out".