Several things have happened this week that I feel finally pushed me to the edge. SO and I were out with friends last night and unfortunately ended up at the same place as The Albatross and her BF. After 2 1/2 years, the events of this week were the straw that broke the camels back for me. I ended up asking her to go outside and I finally confronted her. It was the first time I've directly spoken to her about any of the feelings I have towards her. Although it wasn't nearly as nasty as it could have been, it certainly wasn't pretty. After thinking about it, I did feel I owed her an apology. I sent the email below to her this morning. (BTW, in the email, if the dinner with the family part seems a little odd, it's because it really was. This occurred about 6 mths after SO and I started dating and it was well over a year after SO and BM split, but her family had only known about the split for about 4 mths. He agreed to the dinner as a sort of farewell as he was always loved by BM's family.)

Albatross,
I owe you an apology for last night. I realize that was not the time or the place for a discussion to be had. Unfortunately, I have let things build over the last year or so, and combined with alcohol, I made an unwise choice. It is not an excuse, however, for the way I handled things. With that said, I do believe that it’s time I did get some things off my chest. Let me say first that I wish no animosity between you and me. I understand that we are all in a situation that will take time to be fully comfortable with, and will also take work and effort on all parts involved. I also realize that being an “ex” is new to you, whereas I’ve had ten years experience at being one. I have also dealt with a bitter angry ex husband, and a jealous spiteful new wife. I know that it is not SO’s desire to have a contentious relationship with you, nor is it mine. I have also seen the impact that those types of relationships have on the children and I certainly don’t wish that for SS14 and SS11.

With that said, I do believe there are boundary issues that need to be discussed. Over the course of my relationship with SO, there have been many times I feel you’ve been disrespectful of our relationship. Although these things are in the past, and it’s my hope that with this email we will leave them behind and move forward, I do think they need to be mentioned to illustrate why I’ve come to feel the way I feel today. The very first time I felt you disrespected our relationship came on his birthday two years ago. Your family was in town and SO agreed to go out to dinner with all of you, even though we were taking vacation time and spending our birthdays together. On the day he was to have dinner with you and your family, you called three times that day and each time asked if you and Friend and your sister could come back to the house after dinner and shoot pool. SO explained to you each time that he and I were spending that time together. But it took THREE phone conversations for you to accept his answer of “No”.

Also there was the issue of you calling pretty much every day, multiple times a day (and yes, this has been addressed and resolved) which I felt was disrespectful of our time together. At baseball games you would come and stand with your hand on the back of SO’s chair, which I felt was disrespect towards me as I was sitting right next to him. Asking to be included in the party we were throwing for Neice when SO’s side of the family was coming in to town and I was meeting them for the first time. Going in to what is now my home and showing someone else around (again addressed and resolved.) Standing behind me at soccer games and talking with the other soccer moms about conversations you have with SO that had nothing to do with soccer. And although you denied this last night, I do know that you had a conversation with My Friend about me and you asked her why I felt threatened by you, etc. I certainly found that disrespectful as you knew that she and I are friends and if you wanted to know how I felt about something you should have come to me. And there are more, but these are the glaring examples of where I feel you have disrespected mine and SO’s relationship, and my role as the woman in his life now. I’m sure most of this was unintentional and most likely more out of habit than anything. However, I would ask that you be more cognizant of how your actions might appear to me. As I said earlier, these are in the past and I see no reason to rehash them as we move forward.

In regards to moving forward, it is my expectation that the air will be cleared and you will respect the boundaries of my relationship with SO. For now, as we continue to try to build our relationship and our life together, I would respectfully request (as SO has also done) that you limit your contact with him to things that relate to the children only. I respect you as their mother and in no way want to be a hindrance to that relationship, or the raising of the children by you and SO. I respect that you two are placing their interests first and are trying to model co-parenting after splitting up. I would also anticipate that with boundaries respected, and over the course of time, you and I will also grow into a relationship of cooperation and maybe even eventually a friendship. However, it is not something I feel should be forced and for the time being civility and common courtesy should be the model of behavior. I seem to recall that you mentioned to SO once that you felt I was rude to you, however, I feel I have always been civil and cordial with you. I would agree that I am not chatty with you and overly friendly, but I always speak. But given that you felt I was rude to you, I apologize for any actions that have made you feel that way.

And finally, I would like to add that you were right about something last night. SO can tell you no if he wishes. You are absolutely correct. However, and please take this in the lighthearted spirit that is intended because I can’t help but smile as I type it, but…..you don’t take “no” as an answer easily. (Please reference paragraph 2). Because SO knows this, I think sometimes he agrees to things just because it is the easier path. So, if SO can tell you no, then I would ask that you learn to accept that as the answer when it comes. 
I truly hope you accept this email as a sincere apology and as an attempt to begin again with our relationship. I do believe that over time things will be better. It just WILL take time. I will, however, commit to you that in the future, if I feel bothered, disrespected or unhappy with anything I feel you’ve done, I will bring it to you personally as soon as possible in order to prevent things building and culminating in a situation such as last night. I also would ask that you do the same with me as I recognize I am not perfect and I may do things that you find disrespectful or hurtful.

I appreciate your time in reading this.

SecondBest