Marriage can cause incredible disruption in even very close families.  Mom, dad, my brother, and me were exceptionally close.  My first marriage was far closer to my XILs than to my family. Not surprising as my parents were Expats and my brother was of at boarding school.  A few months after the divorce my brother and I started Engineering school together in a different State.

I had spoken with my parents shortly after my divorce outlining a disagreement that I had with a business partner and that I had given him an ultimatum that I continued to run the company under the original model of operations or the conversation was my two weeks notice.  I told mom and dad that I had tendered my resignation and had called for buy out of my ownership shares in the copany.  My business partner had called my parents, who were also my business partners, and demanded that they instruct me to do as I was told and that I could not resign.  Dad summed that up succinctly "He already called.  I have one thing to say to you son.  What the hell took you so long.".  So, I got my buy out check.  The company folded 5yrs later.  My model worked. The partner's model didn't.

A few days after my conversation with mom and dad my brother called. "Mom and dad said you sold out and are going to engineering school in Dallas."  Yep. That was the plan.  He then asked why Dallas and why not Phoenix.  It was closer and cheaper for me to move to Dallas and after my resignation the business partner I had disagreed with called to ask if I would stay in a paid consultant role so I could have made great money and spent portions of every week commuting to the business.  I told my brother that I would actually prefer Phoenix.  Less than 24hrs later there was a knock on my door. My brother had withdrawn from school.  A  month later we headed for Phoenix.

The 4 of us made our family connection even stronger during the nearly 4yrs of engineering school.  Then... my brother met, got pregnant with my SIL, and they married.  DW and I married 9mos after my brother and SIL marriex six mos after their eldest was born. We were all very close for several years after that.  Then... my SIL started her destroy our family crap.  She almost succeeded.  She is a trust fund baby.  Her dad was wealthy, her mom inherrited wealth and her second marriage is to a very wealthy heir who also had a very successful career.  So when SIL started her threats to take my brother's kids, he shut up and did what he was told.  SIL had access to  huge resources that my brother did not think he could protect himself or his kids from .  So, apparently he stayed to protect himself and his kids.

My SIL is really incapable of living as an independant adult.  She is incredibly naive, is easily manipulated.  Her mother is the master of that and it would have been his MIL that my brother would have been battling had he chosen to assert himself during the threat of losing his kids years.

As my brother's career has boomed, things are far more balanced in their marriage.  Their marriage nearly did not make it several times over the years.  But is now in the best place it has ever been.  Their kids are basically raised. Two are Uni grads and married.  Their youngest graduates in a few months.  My bro is in a C -suite role, my SIL is the poster wife of a successful executive.  Runs marathons, hits the club regularly, travels with her wealthy girl friends, etc...

We have never treated my SIL as anything but family and been welcoming. She has been a cross for us all to bear. Sadly.  Those who don't really know her consider her to be a sweet, good hearted, dedicated mom, commited wife.  I know most of that is a facade.  I care about her, I do not trust her.  Not that she would or is capable of any nepharious actions, but because her naivette is dangerous.  She has done absolutely nothing with her life. Other than marry my brother.  She is entirely self centered and she is not evil. Which is what makes her so dangerous IMHO.  Her naivette and self centeredness plays as good heartedness.   My brother's kids are kind hearted, extremely intelligent, and accomplished young adults.  They love their mom. They love and respect their father.  He is the one they call for advice, the one they go to for hugs, and the one who has set the quality adult example for them.

Your ILs, resemble my SS's SpermClan to me. Disrespecful, manipualtive, and willfully delusional.

My SIL is not knowingly disrespectful, willfully, evil nor willfully delusional.  She believes she a good person.  Sadly she is destructive to good people and close family relationships between good people.  Not that she is not a good person.  She is not evil. Though her influence on the lives of others are not generally positive.

Even my completely kind hearted amazing accomplished brilliant successful bride struggles with my SIL.  Just the other day, maybe not ironically, my DW made a comment about our house. We live in our home. None of them have ever been a museum. They are clean, neat, and lived in. My SILs homes have all looked like model homes.  Just don't open a closet door, or cabinette, etc... That can cause serious injury.  On the surface her home is pristine.  But shit is crammed packed into every space with a door to the point that if you open it, you can get hit in the head with falling debris, dishes, pots, pans, etc.... I know, I have had to dodge all kinds of falling items.  When they would take trips they would ask us to keep an eye on their house, feed and walk their dog every day, etc...  Those were some data point experiences that added to other observational learnngs regarding my SIL.  

Her penchant for the facade of a model home yet cramming shit in the corners of cubby holes, etc... has cost significant money several times over they years. When our GrandDad died he left my brother and I a van he had.  We cleaned it up to sell it.  We were doing that in the driveway of my brother's house.  We bought a home about 1/4mile down the same street a year after they bult their home.  Which pissed off my SIL. Anyway, the file with the car title and maintenance record was on their kitchen island while we were getting the van ready to sell.  On top of the file was the key for the wheel locks that were on the nice wheels on the van. When we finished we put the van in the local paper and parked it in a parking lot on a cross roads corner not far from our neighborhood.  A week later we got a call from someone who wanted to buy the van.  We negotiated, reached an agreement, and went to get the title, etc... Gone.  SIL had stashed it and could not recall where.  We looked for hours. Never found it.  Had to file for a lost title.  It toom a month+ for the new title to arrive. We lost that sale.  We did sell the van not long after we got the new title.

Opening the pantry or utility room door to get the dog food, a dog bown, etc... is dangerous.

Anyway, DW & I  were talking family the other evening and DW made a comment that someone had once told her that they were not comfortable in our home.  I was taken aback by that comment since anyone who has visited us has always commented about how nice our homes have been, how comfortable they are, and how much fun we all had together.  I asked who had said that.  My SIL.  As I said above, she has accomplished nothing in her life. Zero.  Her one accomplishment is that she married my brother. Where my DW is exceptionally accomplished in her own right.  Educated, certified, professionally successful, etc....   An interesting element of my SIL and my DW is that my DW is 6yrs younger than my SIL.  When we married my SIL made it clear that she was the big sister and had always wanted a little sister.  My DW is the eldest of 4.  SIL is the youngest of two girls.  So, being the side kick was not a thing for my DW.  This injected some hurt into the situation for my SIL and some irritation for my DW.  SIL felt as the elder she was the advisor, etc... As a woman, and as a mother. Though my SS was 18mos old when my SIL had their first child.  So, DW had been a mom to an infant, a mom to a toddler, etc... while my SIL was a brand new mom.

I was so pissed when DW told me about the "we are not comfortable in your home" comment.  For my DW.  That comment by my SIL hurt my wife.  I do not deal well with idiots who would hurt a good caring person.  I am happy that my brother is finally at a spot where he is at least somewhat content.  I do care about my SIL. Though I do not trust her and I do not respect her.

Just a couple of months ago my brother and niece gave us Christmas gifts to remind us where home is. They have all moved back to the city where we all lived before my brother and his family and DW and I went on our respective Expat adventures. They want us to move home so the family can be geographically close.  Mom and dad are elderly so it has been on our minds quite a bit for a number of years.  My SIL was decidedly reserved compared to her DH's and DD's energetic message for DW and I to return home.

Anyway, my blather is intended to support you and point out that your ILs, are the problem.  More likely than not, they are disrespectful because they are uncomfortable that you are a far better person than they are.

For decades of raising their kids, my brother worked 50+ hour work weeks. Every evening when he woudl get home from work she would tell him to cook dinner and that the kids were his to deal with. Then... gone.  I always expected a phone ringing to be the call telling my brother was gone from a heart attack.  I had two notable nightmare sleep events during the worst of that phase when I woke up from a dead sleep gasping and choking, I literally could not breath.  In both of those nightmares my brother was dead.  As he was lying where he had dropped I was trying to help him and my SIL galavanting around living her self absorbed life paying no attention to my brothers prostate dead body.  Just typing this I have tears running down my cheeks.

Not that she was celebrating, she just had zero cognition of anyone but herself.  Fortunately it was only a nightmare and not real.

Now, I feel a bit guilty.  I wish I could feel far differently about my SIL than I do.  

Take care of you.  

And... my parents consider my DW to be their daughter. They call her their daughter.  My SIL, is their DIL.  Though when she does deign to spend time with my parents, they treat her no differently than they treat my DW.  They just are not close with SIL. Where they are very close with my DW.

SIL set this dynamic 25+years ago.  When mom and dad were Expats they would split their home leave time between my brother's house and our home.  Bonding with their GKs and with ther sons and DILs.  After a few years of that, SIL informed my brother to tell mom and dad that they could not stay with them anymore.  When my brother, SIL, and their kids were Expats, mom and dad's home was bro and SIL's home.  I have always found that double standard from my SIL  to be a gut wrencher.  Mom and dad have never said a word about that to SIL. Though they have made it very clear to my brother that it was heartbreaking to be told they were not welcome in my brother's home.  That put my brother in tears, but he would not do anything about it.  SIL cost us (mom, dad, bro, me) decades of closeness with each other that was not necessary.  I would not be with a partner who was detrimental to my relationshipw with m mom and dad or with my brother.  That my brother tolerated that, still breaks my heart.

Interestingly, if you ask my SS, niece, and both nephews where home is, they all say energetically that my mom's and dad's home is their home.  All of the GKs take periodic pilgrimages to mom's and dad's to hang with them.   My nephews tend to stay with my niece when they are in town rather than with my brother and SIL.  Occassionally they wills stay with mom and dad, though only for a night and they pretty much do not broadcast that fact to their mother.

Mom and dad used our home as their base of operations towards the end of their Expat career.  Our home is there home.  They beat the drum that their home is our home. Always. As it was during our Expat years. 

Of course I have no issues with any of this... regarding my SIL and her detrimental impact on mom's and dad's family.

Being facitious of course.  Grrrrrr.

Your impact on your DH's family is because you are of quality where they ... are not.

Okay, I'm done now.  

Maybe.

That. is quality... beyond a shadow of a doubt.

We have had challenges with my ILs as well.  Part of that journey for us was getting to the point where we defined the boundaries, held those boundaries, and embraced that within thouse boundaries my ILs are people that we love and care about.

It is far harder on my DW than it is on me.  She periodically struggles with the reality that they are not the highest quality people out there.  Not that they are overtly terrible, other than my SIL who is a dirtbag lying thief who is terrible. 

We have learned to invest our relationship assets in people who are worthy of that investment.  Those who are not, we keep in their place.  Though we do engage with them, we do not allow them to infest our lives.

I am thrilled that you and DH are investing in counseling and in the quality of your lives together.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

*give_rose*