The Need For Honest Labels in Steplife
For those who don't know my story, a long time ago I married a man with not one, but two BMs. There was constant drama and crises, and I became a doormat martyr, bending over backwards for everyone.
I found StepTalk at one of the lowest points in my life, and was able to disengage, turn my life/marriage around, and rebuild my self esteem using what I've learned here. This included me disengaging from both DH's adult daughters AND his sisters. With such a estrogen-rich environment, there was a lot of cognitive dissonance and manipulation. I was often confused by words and actions that didn't match, and the feeling that all was not as it seemed.
I wasted a lot of years trying to fix and facilitate things before finally realizing that if I truly wanted peace, I had to start by changing my own behaviors and accepting some ugly truths about where I stood with my DH's people.
One of the practices that has helped me the most is using true and accurate labels for people and relationships. Most of us just want to belong and to make steplife work, even playing fast n loose with the truth to make it more palatable. We've all seen posts where the SM refers to skids as her kids, a man who's just a boyfriend as hubby or fiance, even a boyfriend who's married to someone else as a partner. I firmly believe that this sort of self-delusion doesn't serve us, because you can't find real solutions if you're not dealing in reality. Accepting and living my step truth has empowered me, and led to a personal growth spurt that was long overdue.
I've reclassified all of my DH's people, relegating them to their true roles which are naturally further removed from me. I refer to the skids as my husband's adult daughters". The SILs, who called me sister while stabbing me in the back? Saying "Your sister Bitchella sent a birthday card" keeps me grounded in reality and firmly on the path of disengagement. My late FIL, who I always called Dad, is Your dad, and Uncle Joe, Aunt Sally, etc are also Your uncle/aunt. For me, this one small distinction has made a huge difference as it clearly places ownership and responsibility for the relationships where it has always belonged: with DH, not me.
- Exjuliemccoy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
One small truth
My SD58, consummate liar, did say one small truth one day. She referred to me as "Dad's wife". That was somehow comforting among all the phoniness and manipulation ("Stepmom", :Grandma").
Aah, you get it JRI. It's not
Aah, you get it JRI. It's not a rejection or an insult. It's simply the truth of the matter.
I am also big on the truth.
I am also big on the truth. One of my issues is how people want to act like SS and my two are full fledged siblings when the fact that having two different mothers is a big deal. If we can't call kids half-siblings should all kids call all parents whether bio or step "mom" or "dad"? I know a lot of it is situational, but the fact that we are long distance, that SS only has contact with my two 2-4 times a year makes a difference. I've found that half-siblings who have the same mother and grown up in the same house are usually closer, not always, but usually. SS sees my two as "dad's other kids" and we are both totally fine with that. I don't want to be mom or stepmom to skid- dad's wife is the most comfortable and accurate term.
I'm happy to be called "Dad's
I'm happy to be called "Dad's wife." It's been over 8 years that DH and I've been married and adult ss's still fumble about what to call me. I cringed when youngest ss called me mom, um no. The oldest 33 calls me his "stepmother" with utter distain even though I met him when he was in late 20's and I never did a shred of mothering. Youngest ss recently told me that he's still getting used to me being his stepmom. I told him that I'm his dad's wife. Rude? maybe, but I didn't know them until they were grown men. I had nothing to do with their upbringing (thank you baby Jesus!), so i can't claim any kind of mother status nor do I want to.
SS's kids call me grandma and that's okay, even though I know I'm not the real grandma. It's just easier for the kids since they don't quite understand all the step bs. When ss and sdil where coaching kids to call me grandma the youngest said, "but she's not nana!"
I entered into my 2nd
I entered into my 2nd marriage with the mindset of correctly labeling people but my problem was that I never encountered a truly disordered person let alone a bunch of them. Here I am acting sane and being undermined by everyone, some intentional, some not. Truly broke me in 3 years from the drama. Correct labels and boundaries are key to reclaiming your life. There is no co-parenting with a crazy ex.
The only time I refer to DH's
The only time I refer to DH's daughter as my step daughter, is on this site. I've been with him 24 years (since she was 5) and I have always refered to her as "my husband's daughter".
Same with his family. His sister, his brother, etc. I guess they just don't feel much like family.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if people thinks it's strange that I don't say, "my sister-in-law". It's never felt strange to me so I've never really thought about it.
It's not solely steps. My
It's not solely steps. My brothers are married to... my bitchsters-in-law.
My SDs have made it clear I
My SDs have made it clear I am not family. My OSD, years ago, called me "dad's wife, or whatever she is." Right out of the Stepmonster book.
Whatever she is? Sub-human? Groveller for acceptance into the Holy Original Family? I was perfectly ok with Dad's wife. But whatever she is?
Anyway Julie, I am so glad you are here. With what you've learned you have helped so many others. You were one who responded to my first posts here when I was reeling years ago. And later I asked "how do you know if your SDs are manipulating?" And you humorously responded "if their lips are moving........" Still cracks me up.
I am always amazed at the
I am always amazed at the number of people on here who have a "fiancé" for years and years.
I don't know how SS refers to me, but I'm fine with "Dad's wife", that's what I am. I'm not any kind of mother to him, and he's no son to me. We get along fine, but marrying his father didn't make me his mother in any way, shape or form.
LOL The "forever fiance"
LOL The "forever fiance" scenario cracks me up, too. I was taught that an engagement is the period of time between the proposal and the ceremony, during which wedding preparations are put together. So if you're not actively booking venues, choosing the caterer, etc, you're probably only fooling yourself.
Steplife is already hard. It's even harder if you aren't honest with yourself.
Exactly. Fiancé means engaged
Exactly. Fiancé means engaged with a wedding plan, not "we've discussed marriage". But I assume it makes people feel better about having children with someone before they are married.
Even with normal, mentally
Even with normal, mentally healthy people, I don't think marriage ever makes an insta-family. It wasn't until about 3 years of marriage that I referred to DH's parents or sisters as my in-laws, instead of "DH's mother" etc. And they're all lovely, welcoming people! It just takes time to become family (if ever).
Agreed. I still feel weird
Agreed. I still feel weird calling his nephews and niece mine, though my nephew and nieces are closer to him and do call him Uncle. His family lives 5 hours away and we see them yearly if that.
Fantastic post
Loved this. I think so many of us has learned so many vital tools from you to brave this stephell!
I hope to see more of your posts, they are helpful. With so many newbies lately they will surely benefit from your wise insight and experience. For us old timers on here, they are great reminders.
The ones that floor me are
The ones that floor me are the posters that have a SO, Partner, or Boyfriend that are still legally married or "separated." Sometimes the man is still living in the marital home or dropping in to play husband and daddy. In reality these guys are their married lovers who are getting some on the side. I'm not judging these situations as immoral but rather a bit delusional for the eager incoming female. Separation means that legal papers have been filed, you live separately, have separate fiances and alimony, CS, and assets have been divied up and ordered by the courts. If there are no papers they aren't separated! It would be more honest to say "My married boyfriend" rather than partner or SO. Too many women believe a man when he says he's separated. Have them show you proof! And don't get me started on the new girlfriend who is saying "our kids," and "our little family" about her boyfriends children. I get the popcorn ready because they're all in for a fun awakening.
Yeah, I dated DH when he was
Yeah, I dated DH when he was separated, but they had a court-ordered custody plan, separate residences and no financial entanglements left to speak of.
Then and Now
Would that I could change the past. Or have a conversation with my 6 years ago self.
All that you said applies to me, with the exception of my most non-favorite label that is often used "bonus mom" or "bonus child".
When I met Now DH, 7.5 years ago, I was happily single yet still living with my ex. What a disaster. He was "separated not divorced, in transition from being with Toxic Troll". Another disaster. Little did I realize or understand the craziness of getting involved. But I didnt think I was involved, because I was dating here and there. Talk about self-delusion! Can I get a trophy for that?
1.5 years into our friendship, we began a relationship. I did not move in, until over a year later, because he was STILL "separated not divorced". Whew. Guess I understood SOMETHING was wrong with that. about 1.5 years into our relationship, I was calling the kiddos "SO's daughters" and calling him "my partner". Little did I know that was the Halfway House to He!!.
When he would discuss his "separated not divorced" status with me, it was cagey and filled with descriptions of her temper, and "cant rock the boat", and how he would be required to pay spousal support and child support for 2 kids, and he wasnt financialy able to, which is why he worked so hard to not "rock the boat".
Sound familiar? Its the "Divorcing Mans Playbook" they all use. Finaly his friends and myself convinced him to use a paralegal to draw up the documents. He FILED! She went ballistic and told him she was going to take everything possible, including his classic 68 convertable, and that she hoped he would die.
She changed her mind because obviously dead men cannot work and support kiddos and pay spousal support. She agreed to no child support, which is odd. She changed her mind again - In her later papers she claimed he "begged her down to no child support, but now she sees him taking his GIRLFRIEND out and figures he can pay her child support". So at least Toxic Troll was using the right labels, as I constantly refered to him as my Life Partner...
These papers were filed 2 weeks after we married. I went from GIRLFRIEND and THE LIVE IN to WIFE...
We had no engagement as we eloped, so no chance to call him Fiance...missed that boat completely...
So - my cautionary tale turned into something positive for both of us, as we have bought a house together as well as a fishing boat. But would that I could change the past.
I do require him to do more and pay more for kiddo. I do not refer to Feral Forger Sd21, as SD outside of Steptalk, shes "DH's daughter" or simply her name.
Munchkin SD14 I have more of a "claim" to. I parent her because she wants me to (most of the time). She calles me her stepmother because I mother her. To DH she is "our daughter, your daughter, THE kiddo, her name"
Feral Forger refers to me as "your stupid wife" to DH. So Im Dh's wife. Which is fine. Shes "your spawn daughter" when Im in a good mood. Or "your prodical child" when Im in an excellent mood.
DH's family, is his family. SOME of his nieces and nephews (there are MANY and not all are related by blood) refer to me as "Auntie" because its a sign of respect in their culture. Everyone older is called Auntie or Uncle.
DHs brothers and sisters are all much older. I dont refer to them as SIL or BIL unless Im telling a story here.
ExJulie, you have been the calm voice of reason through this 6 year storm, thank you for your insight and advice as well as your studied intelligence/intention as you wade through this emotional journey with us, making sense of the nonsensical.
Similar to the commenters
Similar to the commenters above, I came from a close, relatively drama and dysfunction-free family. Consequently, I was not prepared for the level of manipulation and passive, back-stabbing that I've experienced with DH's family, not to mention the level of hair-on-fire conflict that BM (and now overly dramatic SS) have brought into my life.
Within the last couple of years, I have started referring to DH's family as "your family", including "your brother" and "your sister-in-law" and "your niece". None of them are my family - as they've made it painfully clear to me. I also always refer to SSs as "DH's kids", they are not my kids and right now, they don't even feel like part of my family. We are one "family" when they are not here and then we are something different altogether when they are around - usually with me shunted off to the side or expected to manage everything on their behalf. I've reached the point where I can't even stand the sight of one of them.
My MIL (who still isn't
My MIL (who still isn't talking to me over chicken gate).. always got this dissapointing whining going off ...when I used to say "I don't have kids'.. and now when I say "I don't heve grandkids"... she was trying to come up with some "grandparent name" (bubby.. gag... ack) for my husband's grandkids to learn to call me.. I was.. NO I am not their grandmother.. they can call me "esmod". she just got this disapponted look and said.. that's so terrible. I told OSD about the interaction.. and she agrees with me. lol. I mean, I do introduce or talk about them using the stepchild description.. but I have been in their lives 17 years... while they were kids.. so it is not a false statement and does describe the relation (or lack of..lol).
I don't know why she can't accept that I have had no bio kids.. and that is not my role with these people. I certainly care about them as they are related to my DH.. but that's it.
Thank you Julie...
Since I have been a member your posts and responses have been uplifting and so helpful. I appreciate your experience and willingness to be honest and really helpful.
This particular post hit so well, and if one is open minded enough would help them tremendously in step life and just regular everyday life. The truth never ever changes just because it becomes easier to stomach.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and genuine kindness.
I am late to this party, but
I am late to this party, but I couldn't love this post and the comments that followed, more! Your comments resonated with me as, I too have struggled with the label of Stepmother. Thank you for adding clarity and your light hearted humour in some cases, to the subject.
I totally agree
In the first years of my marriage every SKs was my step child. As you get to grips with the 'real' step world you realise the importance for seeing things as they are.
Thankfully my DH family are very accepting and welcomed me with open arms. All apart from SS34, who decided that I was to be his doormat. Likewise, I consider all my husband's family members as my family. All except SS34 who I refer to as DH's son.
Accepting the realities of stepword really does give you a sense of peace.