Disengagement works for me
I'm new to this webpage and wished I had found it years ago. I didn't realize what I was doing had a label - disengagement. My story is that I married my DH when his daughter was 5 years old. BM had full custody because we lived in different states. When she was 14, she started acting out and BM wanted her to live with us. DH and I had two young sons together (1.5 and 4 years old). While we tried to help her as much as we could, SD was hostile; she got suspended from school for drinking between classes. She stole our truck and took a joy ride with some friends. She ran away from home for 3 days and had been doing drugs. She threated to kill us. I was so scared of her that I was locking my boys and I in the bedroom together at night to sleep. We took her to counseling, but everything we did seem to make thing worse. After about 8 months, we found a program to help her which was a residential counseling program. She completed the program and went back to live with her BM. Within weeks, she was back to her old behaviors. There was contant drama over the next few years and she became a drug addict and was in and out of jail. At that point and when she turned 18, I decided to disengage for my own sanity and for the protection and support of my boys. I stopped being a part of it. I stopped asking about her. I stopped making sure DH sent her gifts. I just stopped and then the peace came. I support my husband seeing her, calling her, spending time with her, but I am not involved. I have seen her a few times, but at arms-length. It has been 10 years and she is just now starting to clean herself up. Will we ever re-engage? Only time will tell.
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Comments
Welcome to the site!
You sound like a true veteran. She will likely get better over time, wrt to life fingers and toes crossed, but I doubt that her attitude towards you will change much.
I have an SD21. Ive been in her life since she was 15. She always was and always has been not very nice to me and at one time she was pretty horrible. She likes drinking and doing drugs and doesnt work, doesnt have a drivers license and currently just moved back in with her mother Toxic Troll. Many times TT has asked us to take her back in because they are often at each other's throats.
One time a few years ago, Feral Forger SD21 texted Dh, when she was living with Toxic Troll, "can I have my old room back? I know its turned into an office, but can you please put me over your stupid wife for once?"
His response was that she would have to work things out with me (you know, the stupid wife). Crickets.
Im sure that you have many stories and wisdome hard earned to share, Im glad that you found us!
Yes, disengagement works
I know what you mean. Sometimes, disengagement is our only option.
Just my opinion...
Some never change for the good, I have been in my SD38 life since she was 9 years old. Read my blogs and you will find out what an adult skid can be like. Some, but very few Skids change for the good, last I knew, SD38 is still doing drugs and is Batsh*t crazy. I am 100% disengaged, until SD38 shows her ugly head again, and DAH(Dumb A$$ Husband) slides back into being a Disney Dad. DAH knows that if he goes Disney Dad again, it will be the end of our 30+ year marriage.
Stay strong and stay disengaged is your best option.
Some kids never change because they
Are mentally sick. As SD. You must keep her out of your home. Let DH handle it, all of it. Somepeople just can not be fixed
I can see my future in your
I can see my future in your story. It's so sad to watch the BP parents do nothing to stop the impending train wreck.
I have been disengaged as well.