The Dreaded Wedding Details Have Arrived
DH hasn't been in contact with SS30 or future-ex-DIL since the end of December. Yesterday he hot a text from FXDIL saying that the wedding details will be emailed out soon as she hopes the "two of (us) can come". Just going along expecting everyone to ignore the numerous elephants in the room for the sake of her IG wedding. But at the same time, making no mention of my kids despite having been "siblings" for 10 years. Today, DH received said email and I'm just so sad for him. The wedding is date is in April 2025, and would have been problematic despite the family mess because I work for a school board and don't get any time off outside of school holidays. FXDIL is well aware of that. They're getting married at an inclusive resort in the Carribean, and the cost for one week is about $2100 each, not including flights. So if DH, me, and my kids were going, we'd be looking at over $10k. I think it outrageous to ask people to spend that much to attend your wedding. (Then again, you may remember that these are the same two people who expected their guests to travel two hoiur to an engagement party with no intention of providing food or drinks. So that's my vent, and here's my question. DH initially said that if the wedding was in April (we'd heard it was) he could use my work schedule as the reason we aren't coming. I don't love that idea because I thibkbit skirts the real issue. But now I'm having second thoughts. DH has done so much and lost so much to stand by me, and the finality of sending regrets to the wedding is so hard for him. At the end of the day, SS and futute-ex-DIL will know why we aren't coming. So if using the work excuse makes this easier for DH, should I just tell him I'm fine with it?
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Well....
Well, it's the truth, or part of it. I'm for smoothing relations and I doubt anything you say or confront them with will change anything. I read someplace that when people have these destination weddings, that's a way to save face by inviting people but they don't really want them there so the expense is the big acceptable excuse. The truth is, they probably want your DH there in the dad role,, everyone else in your family, not so much.
For these two, the
For these two, the destination wedding is about being Instagram-worthy. They definitely want someone in the "father lof the groom" role. And I believe that my SS truly wants his dad there for more than just the optics. He loves his dad. He just doesn't respect him.
Here is my 2 cents.... If it
Here is my 2 cents.... If it would be possible for just you and your DH to go for the wedding portion of the trip.. without your kids...so that he could be there for his son's wedding? would that be doable? I know your work would be a challenge for the whole week, but is there any way you could manage a few days..
Yes.. I know it's expensive.. (is your DH being asked to pick up any of the tab?) But.. many couples are going to these kinds of weddings.. knowing that it will likely limit some attendance.. but it's a way for them to maximize their own spend.. and have a trip plus the wedding in one.
My SO and I got married away.. but we just went on our own.. not a first wedding for either of us with much older parents that would have had problems even if we had stayed more local (my mom was starting dementia issues.. my dad didn't drive.. and my SO's parents also older and not well able to travel.. add in two preteenish age girls.. too much to have a "wedding" at home).
I'm not sure if your SO is looking for a reason not to go... or whether he just realizes it would not be that easy to go. I know there have been some fumbles with the couple relationship wise.. and some tension.. so is it really the best thing for your SO to NOT go to his own son's wedding?.. again.. it doesn't have to be your whole family going.. it doesn't have to cost 10K necessarily. I'm just saying that not going is going to be a pretty big "thing" that the couple will not forget.. and while I know the relationship hasn't been great recently.. if you and your SO have hope for a future relationship with them.. maybe not slamming the door by not going is not the best tactic right now.
BUT.. if your SO just does NOT want to go period.. he needs to OWN it. He doesn't give too many wishy washy reasons.. and he should NOT put this on you. Oh.. we would love to go but the old wife can't get off work.. boohoo.. I'm so sad I will miss it. " no.. don't let him throw you under that bus.
He tells his son, I'm sorry, I don't see how that will work for me, I think it's a big ask to have people spend so much money just attending your wedding and it's a hardship for people to be expected to take time off.. I had already indicated that April wasn't workable for me... so I'm guessing you were not that interested in me attending anyway.
Now.. fwiw.. I do think the future DIL thinks she is being all "olive branch" by making a point to say that you are invited OP.. that might want to work into your thought process on whether it's worth it for your SO and you to see if this can be worked out in some way.. at least for the wedding part.
Like.. you go and don't stay on property.. a hotel nearby for just a couple nights.. I get that flights and all can be spendy.. but it might bring prices down to where it would be under 2K for you guys to go.. and if his son isn't asking for wedding money.. maybe that is not too much of an ask anyway?
I hear you. I've never
I hear you. I've never experienced this kind of drama in my own family so it's hard for me to wrap my head around DH not being at his son's wedding. I do like the idea of staying at a different resort, the last thing we want to do is take a vacation with the whole cult. We'd have to find out if that's even possible (the resort is all-inclusive so I'm guessing that any meal involved in the wedding will be part of that). I can request time off during the school year but would have to take it unpaid. If it can be wrapped into a weekend so it's only one day, that's doable. It's also a whole year away, so maybe things will be different by this time next year. As things stand right now, it's a definite NO. As sad as DH is about all of this, the last 2 years have made it clear that our own relationship can't survive if we have contact with them. DH and I could agree to disagree and move forward, but many (most) of them are not going to change their behaviour and I won't have that in my life. One thing I have considered is that the couple will probably have to get officially married at city hall, and maybe DH could attend that.
I would talk to your husband
I would talk to your husband to find out what HE wants to do here. Does he want to go to his son's wedding? not you.. HIM. If he does.. then it becomes a situation that you can figure out if you are going to be wiling to stand by him and support his decision to go.. alone if necessary.. or if you can stand with him. .for the duration of the ceremony and reception.
I'm sure that unless it's a totally remote resort... there will be other resorts nearby. It's also possible it's a large enough resort that you could make a special request to not be situated near other guests... in a different section of the resort (we used to go to Punta Cana and our resort was actually like 5 combined ones.. and was huge.. ) If it was just to fly in on a Friday and fly home on Monday.. or some similar travel.. it might only mean a day or two of time off from work.. for you it would be unpaid.. can you afford that? maybe that gives YOU the ability to beg off and let him go alone.. I mean.. look.. he is a grown man, he can navigate a 3-4 day trip.. on his own.
If the local ceremony is an option... great.. maybe that is what he will offer up. I will admit that my YSD recently got married and we attended her courthouse US ceremony in the states (it was a trip for us though).. and we missed the international destination wedding. It was held in a fairly remote area and was quite small.. so would have been impossible to dodge the EX and it was my HUSBAND's choice to NOT go to the destination wedding.. and my YSD completely understood this and was one of the reasons she had the US based ceremony where MOM was not invited.
I guess my point is that if your husband wants to go.. and there is concern this could cause a more permanent rift with him and his son.. he should go. if HE chooses not to.. he needs to man up himself and tell his son. I personally think he should go if at all possible.. you can too.. if you can paste a smile.. I have had to be around my DH's Ex.. many times.. no love lost.. we deal with it. I actually suggested to my DH that we might want to consider the Intl trip.. but in the end.. he didn't feel pressured to go.
DH has already decided he isn
DH has already decided he isn't going. Through our couples counseling, I came to the decision that I wasn't going to expend anymore energy and heartache over this situation. I'm not going to have relationships with people who are unapologetically mean to me, and I'm not going to be married to someone who has relationships with people who are unapologetically mean to me. I felt guilt about that for a long time, but I don't anymore. DH made his choice to stay with me and he's dealing with the reality that the way his family has acted has been cruel to him. He said if our marriage ended (whichbis otherwise a wonderful relationship) he could never forgive them and would never reconcile with them. So whether ot not DH goes has been decided. Regardless lf the reason he gives, SS and the rest will know the real reason. SS isn't an innocent party in any of this. The initial agreement was between me and my SD's husband. SD stood with her husband, which is understandable. The rest of the family jumped on the bandwagon like those people who show up at rally's just for an opportunity to get in a fight. And SS has said some particularly cruel things. My DH has made some hard decisions and suffered a lot of heartache. He's conflict avoidant by nature, and he's taken some pretty big stands on my behalf. So I'm okay with him hedging around the reason for not going. If he's upfront about it, he'll get a toxic response from SS and a flurry lf toxic responses from the rest of the family. And we're both just so tired of that.
Being around DH's ex has never been a problem for me. I made a point of forming a relationship with her early on, anticipating weddings and such. We planned a lot of SD's wedding together, andd she even insisted that I be in the picture witth the couple and their moms. That relationship fell apart about 6 months ago, but honestly, she's the least of my worries.
If your husband is "done"
If your husband is "done" with his son.. and isn't going to go. He needs to just tell him he won't be there. I highly suggest that you are kept totally out of it all.. not as an excuse.. not as a part of the conversation.
This is your husband's choice.. you gave him an ultimatum and he chose you.. so he won't have a relationship with his son or other family.
They don't need to know that.. he just needs to decline.. and maybe be honest that he is doing this based on the way he has been treated by his son and he wouldn't feel right going as a result.
I wouldn't say that DH is
I wouldn't say that DH is "done" with SS, but he is done with his behaviour and won't play the role of "loving dad" while SS continues to disrespect him. The door is open to SS (and almost anyone else in the family) as long as they come through it in a kind and respectful way. If SS can't change his behaviour (particularly given that he was able to do it (mostly) for the preceding 10 years, then it's him who's decided that he's done with his dad.
I love how you refer to her
I love how you refer to her as "Future Ex-Daughter-In-Law." Hilarious! Nostradamus would definitely approve.
If you can't laugh...
If you can't laugh...
If your husband doesn't want
If your husband doesn't want to go, he needs to own it and leave your name out of it. He doesn't owe them a reason or explanation on why he's choosing not to attend. "That won't work for me" or a simple "I can't make it" will suffice. He already said that April is a bad time. They know that, they decided on it anyway. Not that they are obligated to work around your and his schedule, but they already knew that it wouldn't be a good time. That tells me one of two things: either they don't really want you two there, or they expect you two to jump through hoops to please them. Third option is they want to have him there and exclude you. Option three actually sounds more like the message they're sending. Anytime they are able to get him away from you is a win-win in their book.
Of course they're inviting both of you. Can't have them looking bad. Your husband need not worry about how it will make him look by not coming either. Who are these people that he will look bad to? Why do their opinions matter? They don't matter. The people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter.
They've treated you badly so why would you want to hang out with them in any capacity? Why would your husband want to hang out with people who treated his wife badly? I understand that that is his son, but HIS SON treated you badly. Again, why would he want to be around people who treated his wife like dirt? They strike me as the type that wouldn't just be content having a relationship with him and leaving you alone. They strike me as the type that would whisper in his ear about you at every opportunity to try and cause division in your marriage.
I stepped back from my own step situation. I have an adult SS who is married to what I call a She-Devil. It took me refusing to go around them for my husband to open his eyes and see things for himself. They weren't openly rude or anything so it was harder for him to understand why I stepped back. I told him I felt that he was sending them the message that their behavior was ok. He's also the type that doesn't want to go to family gatherings without me, so he went in to fix it mode when I became a brick wall. He was starting to open his eyes before he confronted SS, the Lying Ingrate, then his eyes were fully open after that. All Ingrate gave him were lies, justifications, and grasping at straws.
Life is more peaceful without them. Luckily they've respected our space and it may be that the cut off was and is mutual. If he wants to resume a relationship he'll have to navigate that without me. I won't leave him, but I won't be involved. With my refusal to be involved I doubt he'll bother.
I think the couple expect us
I think the couple expect us to play along dor their sake. SS has said a number lf times that he's not involved in the family issues, despite saying vicious things to me about how it's all my fault. I really don't get their reasoning. At the end of the day, they need to be kind and respectful to me in order to have a relationship with DH. I have a relationship with DH with or without them. But they'd all rather be right rather than happy. They know DH won't go without me since we didn't go to their engagement party. The family would like to have relationships with DH and pretend I don't exist, but that's not going to happen. I don't have a problem with DH meeting up with relatives for a coffee or a meal without me, but him going to big events (let alone Jamaica) without me isn't going to happen as long as we're married.
OK, personal experience...
OK, personal experience... my brother invited us to his wedding. I declined because dh could not get the weekend off. It never occurred to me to go alone ( we are in two different countries) was very apologetic but I have never been forgiven. We were very close. It kills me that I caused this rift.
I'm so sorry that your
I'm so sorry that your situation caused a rift. My sister wanted to do a destination wedding about 20 years ago. My kids were very young and money was tight. We told her that it wasn't fair to ask us to spend that kind of money and she is immediately understood and changed her plan. In my mind that's what you do if you care about who's at your wedding vs your future IG posts.
I do want to point out that
I do want to point out that just because she wants a wedding that "looks" nice.. and is fancy or in a fancy place.. you seem overly focused on the fact that she is only doing it for "the Intstagram".
I will say, my younger SD's wedding was very instagram worthy.. a breathtaking location.. beautiful couple.. she did post it on social media... it was so nice that she actually has had people contact her for help planning their weddings in the same location.
BUT.. just because younger kids today use social media.. as an extension of their life.. doesn't necessarily mean that there is zero depth behind them as people. These kids have literally grown up with screens.. and rapidly expanding social networking.. and it's as natural as breathing to many to use it.. and some even do profit from it in some way.
I think it's a bit dangerous to label someone as shallow simply because they have an active online presence.. it's not viewed quite the same by their peers as some "old fogey" like me .. or likely you.. would see it... for many.. if they don't post and record it.. it didn't happen.. that's what they take from things.
So.. what appears shallow to me... may not have the same underlying shallowness or motivation.
I get that you have had some differences with the couple already.. and unfortunately, your husband not being "good at conflict".. let you take a lot of the fire that should have gone his way.. and it made it seem to others.. that perhaps you were calling the shots to an extent.. and as a partner in the relationship.. you SHOULD have a say in how your life goes.
I'm just pointing out.. that the concept of a destination is not necessarily new.. and It has become more common for people to expect others to join in.. and these things get super complicated in steplife where you have EXes and new partners that reallly don't want to vacation together.. haha.
but, not going to your child's wedding is a big statement, in and of itself.. if they knew his stance on that time and the issues about a destination.. but planned it anyway.. they put their needs over the likelihood that some people couldnt make it.
and.. that's fine too.. plan what YOU want as the married couple.. but just be prepared when others don't show.
@ESMOD You're jumping to some
@ESMOD You're jumping to some conclusions here. Despite my age, I use social media a lot. And I posted my own wedding pictures to FB/IG as well as many other important life events, and sometimes just a random picture of some cookies I baked. I don't think it's shallow to post your life on IG but I *do* think it's shallow to live your life for IG and to care more about appearances than reality. I refer to the IG wedding because that's the medium used today but I felt the same way about friends who got married in the 90s and made great efforts and made selfish decisions so they could have the "perfect" wedding. It's true I've been at odds with the couple, but I've known this woman about 9 years. I loved her (still do tbh) but have always known she was shallow.
Of course... you have more
Of course... you have more personal knowledge of the future DIL.. we just have what you post.
I was not saying that older people don't USE social media.. but that the way we view social media can be different than a younger generation might.
There really can be some people that don't feel that their experiences "happen" unless they are on a social media feed.. and some people might see that as shallow.. but the reality is that many people seeking this kind of validation.. and focus are more likely to be insecure... so it's all the more important for them to present the perfect image.. so no one sees the faults underneath it all.
In the end..the real issue is whether your husband wants to be there for his son's wedding.. and if he is prepared for the backlash if he doesn't attend. Even if he says "no" now.. I think you will find this situation is far from over and resolved.. they have a lot of time to work on him.. I do hope you will resist jumping in to protect him though..because all that will do is reinforce the narrative that you are pulling his strings. If your husband needs some therapy to learn how to engage his own backbone.. maybe that isn't a terrible idea too. and to be clear.. because I don't mean to say that I personally think you are pulling his strings.. it's that I think THEY think you are.
What stands out to me is the
What stands out to me is the needs Vs wants dichotomy. A destination wedding is not a need. It is a want. That is perfectly fine. It just potentially puts a massive burden on the guests including family. If the destination wedding is critical to the marrying couple, it may cost them the absense of people they want there.
If the marrying couple wants people at their wedding, they need to configure the wedding accordingly to have those people attend.
In this case, if I was a parent of one of the couple and my entire family could not attend and finances were a constraint, I would do the economy attendance thing,. Fiie in, be at the wedding, and fly out. I might not even overnight.
My first wedding was the social event of the season. That was important to my XMIL and apparently to my XW. She got what she wanted. My XILs attempted to get my parents to split the costs of the wedding. My parents agreed on the condition that the money go directly to my XW and I and we could do with it what we wished. Downpayment for a house, wedding, etc... Our choice. Nope, my XMIL's daughter had to have an event wedding so.... my parents declined to split the ccosts and paid for the rehersal dinner and tuxedos. They would have paid for the flowers but we were married on Jan 2 and the catherdral still had the Christmas floral arrangements in place so... nope. 500 guests. My side..... 35 total. The reset were my XMILs guests.
$35K later, the clock was ticking down to the divorce 2.5yrs later. All of that was a want, not a need.
DW and I eloped. $500 including her dress. My dad could not attend because he was overseas. My ILs chose not to attend. We announced the elopment and invited anyone who wanted to come. Lake Tahoe. 2eks notice. Present were me, DW, SS *(hen not yet 2yo), my mom, my brother his wife and my then 6mo old niece, my university BFF and his GF, and my DW's aunt and uncle.
Cost benefit..... Wedding #1 $14000/yr. Wedding #2 $16.95/yr and dropping.
I am old
I can not understand this whole destination wedding thing. I get if the bride and groom get x number io people to attend they get reduce rates on room, bunch of freeBs get thrown in. And $2,000 isn't a bad price for a week of food and drinking. I hear that a lot of these weddings are much more. But it's arrangements for a week is the problem.
'Everyone wants to go untill it's time to pay. Then there's people can't go.
'You were not ask in advance if these weeks work for you. I woukd not feel bad for not going. April is a month where school is going on. Nobody vacation in April. Want to keep vacation money for the sumnerl. That why the good price
It can be a wonderful option
It can be a wonderful option for people like my husband and I. It wasn't our first wedding. We didn't have 150 people and extended relatives we wanted to show up. Shoot.. our own families were problematic due to age of our parents.. and the fact that his daughters were fairly young.. so it would have been coordination with BM. So going away.. wrapping our honeymoon into it.. made perfect sense. we did not invite anyone..
Perhaps if you are younger. .and yoru guest list is relatively small and filled with people you know have means and are inclined to travel.. it can also work.. but you take it out of the local area.. and you are going to cut people out of the running.
I don't get the destination
I don't get the destination thing either. Unless it's just a small group and everyone wants to do it. Or you have zero hard feelings about people bot coming. I think it's selfish to expect people to spend thousands of dollars to go to their wedding. And I wouldn't call $2000 cheap ...DH and I go to a luxury report every few years in Dominican Republic in July and the most recent trip was $1800 including flight. I know Jamaica is more expensive than DR, but again, they chose a more expensive destination. I personally don't feel bad about not going. Not one bit. And I don't feel bad for the couple if DH doesn't go. I only have empathy for DH. When you raise your kids and picture their futures, you never imahine them getting married without you. DH is having to come to terms with the fact that his kids/family aren't who he thought they were and the future won't be what he imagined.
FWIW, I suppose we had a
FWIW, I suppose we had a destination wedding. We lived in the south of France and decided to get married here. We only invited our parents, our siblings and their spouses and children. His family lived within 80 miles, mine lived 1500 miles away. Those who came from afar were welcome to spend the week in our home. The stories I could tell...
I'm not against destination
I'm not against destination weddings in general. I think it's a lovely option if the couple can do it without putting undue financial stress on their loved ones and have the grace to not make people feel badly if they can't or don't want to go. If this family issue hadn't happened, DH and I would be losing sleep because all of us going (us, my kids and my son's longterm partner) would cost us cliose to $20k and SS30 would have absolutely made us feel badly if we said we couldn't do it.
Meh....
these destination weddings are getting out of hand. The few I've known about in my circles were done the "right" way. It was only immediate family and super close friends because the couples knew not everyone could afford the travel expense and/or take the time off. All of them did receptions when they got home.
I don't have much to add, Sadie. Your DH has made a stand (proud of him) but I don't think using your work as an excuse to not go is a good thing. If he doesn't want to say it's because of the conflict, the easiest thing to do is focus on the expense. Our family cannot afford $10k for this wedding. And leave it at that. The very fact that the wedding is in April, when all parties know your work schedule clearly says they don't want you there. Still...your DH needs to absorb this one. Leave you out.
Hugs.
Thanks CajunMom! I'm proud of
Thanks CajunMom! I'm proud of him too.
I have no doubt that they don't want me there but don't think that's why they planned for April. And I don't think it's occurred to them that a lot of people won't make it. They really are that self-absorbed.
My 2 cents about destination
My 2 cents about destination weddings - it's fine as long as you don't get bent out of shape if people can't go. The money aspect, time off work, kids/pets/elderly parents are reasons many people can't go. In fact, i think the percentage of people who CAN drop everything and fly to an exotic location is pretty small, in the grand scheme of the world today. Inflation is a real issue.
Just thinking
Normally these rooms are based on two people. So if you go or DH goes alone the cost will be the same for the resort. Airfare will be doubled. If you take the kids then exter cost for food and drink I guest on age
The cost per person goes up
The cost per person goes up if it's only one person, so it would be a little less than if we both went but not by much. For all 5 of us (my son is in a longterm relationship) it would be $15-$20k (I would have to take a week off work unpaid which adds to the cost). At the end of the day, things would need to change very significantly over the next year and I really don't think that's going to happen.
I remember when a
I remember when a "destination" wedding was one that required an overnight stay somewhere, definitely just a drive from where most people were.
DH and I had a "destination" wedding to a fun place, but that was because it was actually easier for our guests to get there than to where we live AND the cost overall for everyone was so much lower. Ended up being a lot of fun for everyone.
No way would I do one that required guests to spend thousands.
One of my friends had a "destination" bridal shower weekend. I couldn't afford to attend that and was honest with her.
If you cannot afford it your DH should be upfront and say so - and if the wedding party gets upset then it's on them.
My SS and future xDIL will be
My SS and future xDIL will be upset no matter what we do. So at the end of the day it's just about what's easiest on DH. Future xDIL sent DH another text yesterday, asking if he's received the emailed wedding details. He wasn't going to reply at all (she knows the situation and knows that she's putting undue pressure on him - I find it hard to believe that she sent a followup text to everyone). But, we're not rude people and it felt wrong to just ignore her, so DH responded that if he had to make a decision today, the answer would be no, and that he hopes the situation changes over the next year. I think it was a good response. To the point with no excuses.
"We regret that the date of
"We regret that the date of the wedding does not allow us to attend due to work schedules. In addition, the $10,000+ cost of travel and lodging to attend makes it prohibitive for our familyt to participate. Please accept this as communication of our regrets for the RSVP regarding the wedding."
Put it on them. When they start to demonize your side of the vent, redirect them to your regrets reminding them that work schedules and cost for DH, you, and your kids does not allow you to attend.
The cost and work schedules
The cost and work schedules are huge barriers. But we wouldn't be commiting to go even if they threw in our own backward and let us pick the date. SS and the rest of the crazy clan have actively disregarded DH's marriage to me, and questioned his love for his kids because he won't throw me aside for them. And they continue to do so. SS referred to me as "that woman" less than 2 months ago. Why on earth would they expect us to put everything aside because it's a wedding. Either marriage is a big deal or it's not. They don't get to pull the "how could you miss your son's wedding?" on DH after spending almost two years attacking his own marriage.
Ooh, I'd be tempted to RSVP
Ooh, I'd be tempted to RSVP with "sorry but we just don't have the time" ... and leave it at that.
Yeah, keep it simple. Just no
Yeah, keep it simple. Just no. "Sorry, won't be able to make it." They know why, and giving them drama will probably make them happy. Send a gift if you want.
We had a long time former
We had a long time former STalker who had a destination wedding that only she and her groom attended. They married in the Jungle in Belize. They were married by a tribal shaman. Following the ceremony they jumped in a jungle river. Apparently it was quite a hike in and and out. The pics of the wedding were stunning. They each had a son. No kids or anyone else were present. Just the two of them.
They did what was important to them and eleminated any drama or financial burden on anyone else.
In this case.. financially it
In this case.. financially it would be expensive for OP, her DH and her adult children to attend for a week.. she estimated 20K.. but.. it would obviously be much more affordable if just she and her SO went for a shorter stay.
BUT.. while she mentioned finances as a reason why she sees the destination wedding as a poor choice ... the real bottom line is that it appears that she and her husband feel "wronged" by her SS and his fiancee... (issues previously touched on in other posts).
I get that if people treat you badly.. why would you want to associate with them, family or not.
However, it also seems like this son was one that at one time had a fairly decent relationship with dad and SM.. and that some issues popping out of earlier larger family dramas.. have caused problems.
My biggest concern is that not attending your son's wedding is something that you cannot theoretically "make up to them" at a later date.. that's it.. you missed it.. no pictures of you there.. you aren't watching what is a pivotal moment in your son's life and your absence will be publiclly apparent and potentially stir gossip and drama among family and other guests.. putting a bit of a pall on the event. It is a rather LARGE stake to place in the ground.. and you probably have to be sure that you are willing to weather the larger long term estrangement it will likely create..
But, again.. if they are all toxic trash.. who cares right?
Absolutely. I loved both of
Absolutely. I loved both of my SKs like they were my own. If I hadn't, this whole situation would have been much easier to take. DH and I thought that we had done a great job blending our family and we were truly happy. And then my SD cut me out of her life. What's worse, she cut my kids out of her life, even though they weren't involved in the conflict. She drew the family lines hard. And SS, who wasn't involved in the initial conflict, followed suit. At least my SD believes that she's supporting her husband. SS had no reason to get involved and he's been truly viscious to me and, by extension, to DH. He's continued to be vicious despite DH asking him directly, a number of times, to back off and making it clear to him that he won't tolerate him disrespecting me. SS continued his nastiness. So, although the idea of missing his wedding is heartbreaking, it's what he's chosen. We recognize the gravity of missing the wedding but if we do, it will be with a clear conscious. All that's been asled of SS is that he not be rude to me. He obviously doesn't think his dad is worth it. And I won't back down on that. If I was willing to be a doormat, I would have stayed in my first marriage and kept that family together for my kids.
Having said that, the door isn't completely closed. I've already researched and found a sister-resort next to the one the wedding will be at. And if things change over the next year, DH and I will go, stay at the other resort, and attend the wedding. The door is open, but SS would
Initially, I couldn't imagine going to the wedding without my own kids. They've been really hurt by all of this too, and they would have been part of the day if things hadn't changed. But they also love DH and want him to be happy. They understand that if DH and I do end up going, it will be for DH's sake, not SS's. And I'll be there as a plus 1, not as family,