You are here

Heart Broken

S-Ma's picture

Submitted by S-Ma on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 7:28pm

My stepdaughter (of whom we have 50% custody of) just told her Dad and I that she wants to go live with her Mom full time. I know that I am not her real mom, but, I love her as if she were my own. I have no children of my own, and never felt the need too because I had her. For years, we have done everything we could for her - in fact, we just purchsed a much bigger house so that she could have a bigger room and her own bathroom - something very improtant to a pre-teen girl. I feel right now as though my heart has been ripped out of chest, it hurts far worse than any broken heart I've ever experienced. But, as a step mom, I am supposed to understand that she would prefer to be with her real mom. My husband is a loving and kind father, and to see him suffer like this is unbearable. We are beside ourselves with greif. I don't know what to do - any one have similar stories? What do you do?

Comments

Leigh's picture

Submitted by Leigh on Tue, 01/11/2011 - 2:15am

We've been there. We were out to eat at a restaurant when she told us (same age as yours). I had to go sit in the car, to keep from making a scene. Ours also felt very guilty, because BM 'missed her so much when she was with us". I guess us.missing her wasn't the same... I agree with Rhyleigh that preteen hormones could definitely be playing a role here. Also, if you have rules, and BM doesn't, it.is very hard to compete with that. And to get down to it, BMs have a powerful connection with their kids, that defies reason. My SD would currently LOVE to be back with BM, even though BM dumped her back with us, because they were homeless for awhile. They are now living in a trashy one bedroom trailer that is falling apart. SD calls it "cozy". She also claims to love sleeping on the floor there. Every time she praises her BM, it is a little knife in my heart, but I've gotten better through the years. I guess I've just developed a thick skin. But I would not change the court order. She is DH's daughter too, and has every right to his time with her. I don't think courts often change custody agreements unless there has been some significant change in yours/her life.

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Tue, 01/11/2011 - 9:07am

This happened to me also, but with my Bio-son. It's been a year since I've become an EOW parent, and it still upsets me to no end... I've even had a bit of counselling about it because I was finding it so hard to deal with. I gave my child everything.. his father does nothing! Never attends anything, buys him anything..etc etc..even though he's loaded... But the counsellor helped me to see things a little differently. First, this happens a lot with pre-teens.. in fact its often the parent(s) they are closest too that they try to escape from. It sounds a little counter productive, however this is the time that pre-teens try to develop their own identity. In order to develop their own identity they detach from the person they're closest to because they feel that they are too 'attached' to that person. They feel they need to do things more on their own. I don't know if this makes sense...but it helped me to see things differently.It still bothers me...yes...but it helps me to see the other side. She did say that in a few years, your children come back to you.. they know more than we give them credit for.

I was going to say more...but I have a meeting...hopefully this helps a little... I know how hurtful it is!

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/11/2011 - 9:58am

I'm sorry you are hurting...really sorry. As a SM I feel I will be facing the same dilema once my SD gets older and I'm not looking forward to it. As you we give her everything and we have a safe, clean home with structure, rules and alot of love. BM's home (if you can call it that) is dirty, men come and go, she has no structure and no rules..but I do believe SD will decide to live with BM when the time comes...

In life there are many things that are out of our control. Do not stop living because of them..move forward and start to enjoy your own life... Z Smile

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 01/11/2011 - 11:40am

Ours got to 14 and is now living with BM. She had no rules and we had too many. DH handled it badly and let her go. Now he has had one meeting with her in 8 months. Lawyers said we couldn't get full custody and fight it, since she wanted it and the judges listen to the kids. Mom wants to be their friends and doesn't have any boundaries. DH did and she wanted to go where it is easier. It did hurt terribly, but it has gotten easier and for us quieter since she left we are pretty much drama free. Good luck. My advice is to force her to stay with the CO. If you give up, it gets worse...

S-Ma's picture

Submitted by S-Ma on Tue, 01/11/2011 - 12:43pm

Thank you so much for all your posts - I am touched by your encouragement and truly appreicate you opening up to share your own experiences. While I am sad to hear of your similar situations - and of the ensuing heartache that you too must have felt - it does help to know that we are not alone in this. Thank you again for all your comments.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Tue, 01/11/2011 - 1:10pm

Been there. SD did that last year. She came to live with us then moved out. After all the monies and effort shelled out to have her here. She just left. She said it was because she missed her friends at her moms house. In reality, we saw that live was just easier. Easier at home with little structure, and easier at school with way less homework.

Sometimes you realize where your true place is in there lives and it feels crappy. I've disengaged a lot since then. I hope things work out for you.

In our case, we were told that 14 was about the age she could decide. I think 11 is too young.