Adult SS is Back
I'm sitting here at the computer reading posts on this site. In the next room my DH is talking on the phone with one of my SS (age 25). DH is suggesting that SS come over and work on the house, like clean gutters, rearrange bricks, etc. I hear this and my heart just starts beating double-time.
This SS has been so volitile in the past with the way he's treated DH and me, mostly with verbally abusive behavior, some threats, like "Maybe I should just come over and bash out all the car windows," and things like that. He acts this way when we don't give him financial support. He won't get a real job. Says he's disabled, because he's on seizure medicine, yet somehow he manages to smoke pot every day, all day.
I personally have disengaged from SS, for the most part. I finally drew my line when I was trying to help him adjust to life in another state, where HE chose to live, but chose to NOT get a job and ended up without money and no place to live. (Another long story.) ANYWAY, I was talking with him on the phone, almost daily, to give him advise and help him adjust and make good decisions. BUT I would not commit to giving him money and neither would my DH. So SS finally turned on me over the phone, yelling at me how he thinks I am selfish and can't stand me and his DH would help him with money if it weren't for me. I said, "Whatever...I am hanging up now," and never called him back.
SS NEVER apologizes for his behavior, even when we ask for an apology. He absolutely thinks he's entitled to handouts from us, even at 25, he uses the "I'm your son" card and to be honest, DH still does give into it. Not as often as he used to, but I think DH still thinks he needs to help his son, regardless of how he acts. I know DH is torn sometimes about it.
Well he's living in this state where we live now. And I'm just really anxious that he's going to come over here and start his bulls*** threatening my peace. AND SS doesn't come over to help us, out of the goodness of his heart, but always expects us to pay him, which really bothers me because I would NEVER had expected my parents to pay me for helping them.
We've had to leave a home once because the landlords couldn't tolerate the SS cussing and yelling in and outside of the house, basically disturbing the peace. So we had to leave and find another place to live. Yeah, it's that bad.
How do I handle this? I know my DH wants to keep his relationship with his son active, but at the same time, we both know that usually he will turn on us when whatever he wants doesn't go his way. When we first moved here, DH said he didn't want son to even know where we live. I was thrilled by that idea. Didn't say it outloud, but was difinately relieved that was how DH felt.
I don't want to make DH make a choice between me and SS, but at the same time I am just so fearful how interaction with SS will just end up the same way it has in the past. Should I talk to DH? Should I just sit and watch and hope for the best? Should I ignore what I heard and see if anything really comes of it?
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Comments
On one hand
On one hand I understand why your DH continues to help his son. My mom does the same with my brothers, always wanting to help them if she can. Just because they are adults doesn't mean parents stop helping their kids.
On the other hand, your SS is an adult and needs to take some responsibility for his own life and not expect hand-outs from his dad. Does SS expect the same from his mom, or just from dad?
Sometimes parents have to use some tough love with their kids. That means helping if and when they can if things get tough, but also encouraging their kids to stand on their own two feet and become self supporting individuals. That of course is part of growing up, and if your SS hasn't learned these lessons back then, he may never learn them unless he is forced to.
Hi Riley
You've helped me in the past so I'm reaching back. Your situation sounds terrible but here is my knee jerk reaction. This is an adult, who is abusive and causes serious problems for you two, ie having to move. This is an on going problem and it harms your peace. So, If it were me, I would talk to my husband about how to make this work for both of us. I wouldn't want to hear from around the corner that the trouble was coming over and I wasn't talked to about it first. If what I am getting from you is that you really don't want him at the house, or you want controlled interaction, I think talking to my husband about it and making certain ground rules that we are both comfortable with would be a very important thing to do.
I hope that helps even a little.
d
d
This is a tough one. I know
This is a tough one. I know from having my own bios how responsible you feel about them. Even when they are adults you feel responsible. I'm not saying that that makes sense, but it's the truth. You give and give and give to your kids and when they've taken everything you own, you wish you had more to give them. That's just the way it is. Thankfully most kids reach an age when they want to stop taking from their parents and start helping to take care of THEM instead. But that doesn't always happen. For whatever reasons.
I'm for not letting SS over to the house until you've established limits. Does SS want to turn a corner? Does he want to put his life together in a way that works for him? Does he feel badly about how things have turned out? If so, maybe there is hope that he can get better and DH should help him talk about and reach some goals. He can do that over the phone, in a letter or by going to where SS is. Once SS is on a better path, then he can come over and start to forge a new relationship with you. In the meantime, it's better that DH set the limits and deals with SS away from your home. That's not turning his back on his son, that's setting healthy limits and respecting the sanctity of his home. Might be hard to get DH to see it that way though.
To further my concerns, I
To further my concerns, I came back from walking the dog and DH was arguing with SS on the phone. I didn't hear it all and don't know what is was about, but it just reinforces my concerns...engaging with this young man until he gets off whatever drugs he's on will result in arguing at the least; knock-down, drag-outs at the worse.
I'm just at a point that I kringe when I know DH is talking to him b/c the longer you engage with him, the more likely he is to get abusive. BECAUSE at some point he's going to ask for money, complain how he can't make ends meet and turn on us when we say "no"...if DH will say "no" It's kindof a toss up at this point how DH will respond. He's torn, like I said.
Maybe I'm over-sensitive, but then again I only have the past to rely on to predict his future behavior. ARGH!!!! I simply don't trust him or anything he says.
I'll take your advise and talk to DH about my concerns and see if he and I can come to some compromise on this. I need to hear how he's moved from "SS not knowing where we live" to inviting him over to help with the house. I suspect my compromise will include SS coming over before too long. And, I'll include in my "talk" with hubby what I will do if SS goes into one of his tirades, e.g., dial 911.
Wish me luck, b/c DH can be defensive about this whole thing.
Thank you so much for your time to write back and give advise. You have empowered me to take some action and talk to DH, rather than sit back and see what happens.
d
d
Is the SS manic?
Things don't sound right with this kid. My hairs are standing up. I have an incredible sixth sense, although I haven't tested it "on-line" I feel very uncomfortable for you. Talk to you DH, find out what is going on with SS. Make an agreement about boundaries and for God's sake, take care of yourself. Unstable people can do all kinds of things.
I talked to DH
Kathleen, I have wondered that myself about SS. Bi-polar has been diagnosed on his mother's side; two cousins, an uncle I know for sure are actively treated for it. And if SS's behavior had been like this since I'd known him, we would have gotten the appropriate medical treatment for him. But he hasn't; it's just gotten worse over the last 5 years after he convinced himself that he's disabled because he had a benign brain tumor, which was removed and now takes seizure medicine to control the seizures he has.
After all these years, I've learned to recognize when SS is getting out of control. It's usually centered around him not getting what he wants. He's extremely obsessive and complusive and since he's been on "chronic" for half his life, his sense of reality is warped, to say the least. AND it makes him lazy and feels he's entitled to whatever he's obsessing about at the time.
That's why DH has even taken to limiting interaction over the phone, which DH can hang up when SS gets "crazy." Bless by DH's soul.
I talked with DH and found out two things: 1) I found out DH wasn't talking to SS, but SS's best friend (which to me is pretty much the same thing; and 2) DH still does not want the SS to know where we live. But I let my DH know that he needs to talk to me first if he plans on having SS over. He was silent with my comment, "...because I'm sure you would talk to me first before you'd invite (SS) over..." Actually he was silent until the next day and finally wanted it clarified. I explained that based on (SS's) behavior in the past, I just need to think about SS coming over and would need some notice if he's coming over. This started a series of topics along the lines of my needing to forgive and forget, which I replied with my having done that so much and so often it doesn't mean anything anymore. We didn't really argue, but we do see this differently. I could tell DH wants to honor me, but at the same time really wants/needs to let his son into his life as he sees fit without my buy-in. DH knows where I stand on the issue.
Anyway, I took the advise offered here and I think it worked out well. We know where the other stands, which until the SS enters my front door, I can leave this alone for awhile.
Thank you so much for your help. I truly felt empowered while I discussed this with my hubby.