I think it would help a lot if you made an effort to have your OWN relationship with the SS.

Like maybe try "date nights" with the kiddo. One night you two could go pick a movie from redbox and build a sheet fort in the living room. Another time you can get ten dollars each and go to a thrift store and find the silliest outfit you can and then go out and have ice cream in your silly outfits. Hell, go big with it and demand the son only refer to you as "Lady Penny Duchess of Mt. Olympus" as long as you are in costume.

Try creating good memories for the two of you alone. I can bet you won't have many jealousy issues after that.

Firstly dont get pregnant.

I think you really need to take a long hard and honest look at yourself and at this relationship and you really need to identify whether you are happy in this relationship and whether this is the relationship you want to make long term or whether actually theres other things that are going on.
You state that you want children, always have and hope to be able to start your own family so you have to ask yourself the question, is there any possibility that one of the reasons you found your boyfriend so great in the beginning was because he has a child already? (Now Im not insulting you or being mean here but I say it because you mention the want for your own child, you get together with this man, you enjoy this man, he doesnt appear to have a confrontational ex, theres no major major issues with the step son, yet at the thought of their being an engagement you are uneasy. Partially because of the jealousy you are struggling to deal with but maybe partially because an engagement is another level of commitment, if your gut is telling you somethings wrong then listen to it and figure out what it is)

Now I will honestly state that in the beginning of my relationship with my partner I had jealousy issues, I'd only ever had one boyfriend prior to my partner and had never had to get my head around the fact that he had an ex and hell, a life before me! Never mind that but one that also included a child, however these were all things that I found no longer affected me after talking it all through with my partner. And we would talk about everything; past, present and future ALOT in the beginning. Heck I'd even quiz the guy, if I'd read a post on here about some particularly awful behaviour from the step child or BM Id ask him how he'd handle it.

Also my relationship with my SD was a very slow one to build, although I was here I didnt at all parent her, to be honest in the very beginning I was just sort of there. The same way you are there if you go to your friends house and their kid is there, you generally get involved in play when they initiate but otherwise keep a form of distance. Over time our relationship has developed and I have to say I love her to bits.

Now if you do have a good think and are adamant that this is the relationship you want to fight for then just take it slow, theres no big rush to get engaged, married and/or having babies, particularly when you are dealing with a step child too.
Take some time as MamaFox suggests, for just you and the child.

Old memories are one of the triggers of your jealousy, well the past is gone, its time to make some new memories.

I think you deserve a man who will also share a first time pregnancy, baby, family. You are still young. I would never advice a woman or man with no children to enter into a step parent role. Bm and ss will always be an issue. Your inner gut is raising red flags for a reason. Stats also confirm a 2nd marriage has a much higher divorce rate than a first marriage. To much drama imho.

If you aren't happy in the perfect step situation (a BM who doesn't cause problems, a well behaved SK and a man who is understanding, makes you his priority and is a good/involvedd father), then staying with this man is a huge mistake.

If you're have these feelings in an ideal situation, then moving on is the only fair thing to do.

If you are going to have a child and family with this man you must form a relationship with the Skid. If you don't it will not be fair to you, your own children, your Skid, or your future husband.

I struggle with the fairly common tendency for BK free Sparents who want children with their mate to have a big issue with their child not being the first for both partners. The first child you have with your BF will be the first child he has with you. There you go. No more issue with the first child thing.

If you are happy, he is happy and this is the only deal breaker issue then you have some work to do. Engage with the Skid. Take the actions to enjoy him and the actions of loving him and eventually the feelings will follow.

I for one would never deny myself a relationship with the woman I love over the birth order or biology of children in the blended family mix.

But that may just be me I suppose.

Keep in mind that BM has only your BF's past. You have his present and future. Worrying about what might cold possibly be going on in your SO's head regarding a possible future scenerio is just a waste of an opportunity to enjoy the time you ahve with him now. My bride brought the Skid to our marriage. Being his mom is part of what makes her incredible and part of what makes her the woman I fell in love with. I would not want her any other way so to lament that she had a lapse in judgement when she was 16 and spawned with a DipShitIot is not worth my time to even consider.

So, quit worrying about it, step up, and engage or move on. To continue to lament this non-issue is wasting your time and probably more importantly your SO's time. Put your worry time into something you can influence and not this issue which you can do absolutely nothing about other than fixing your own head.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

IMHO of course.

It can be done.

I agree with the suggestion for counseling. Pre-emptive couples counseling is a good move, too.

Learn to set boundaries. Clarify your role with your bf. Try to keep that role minimal- a support to your dh, not a third parent. It is easy in the beginning to want to jump in with both feet, but it is best to take things on slowly.

Also- know that every big change will likely bring new headaches that cannot be foreseen- moving in, getting married, having a baby- can all trigger issues with bm or the skids that can flip things around. Even if things seem good now, keep in mind there are sometimes things lurking under the surface that you won't see. Right now you are still on the outside.

EOW is MUCH easier to handle, btw than what some of us are dealing with! (But keep in mind you never know the future or how that might change!)

Things that bug you now have the potential to be much worse later, too, so try to take steps to understand and identify and deal with them now, while they are just little annoyances.

For instance- you think it bugs you NOW when bm and bf talk? It will likely bug you even more later. Find a non-whiney way to explain your feelings to bf. See how he reacts, see what comes of the conversation. Sometimes discomfort is something you have to work through and *sometimes* it is your intuition telling you something is off.

Maybe you are being jealous and insecure, maybe his level of communication is higher than it needs to be and he is using co-parenting as a justification. Maybe it is a little of both.

Try to figure out which it is in this situation. Think about what level of communication you are comfortable with. Find out what level of communication they have. Think about what is NEEDED for raising their child and think about what would be over the line. Together, see if you and bf can agree to certain limits that respect his need to co-parent and your need to feel comfortable.

Maybe he doesn't have conversation with her during time you are together. Another good boundary is that he not discuss personal matters with her (especially regarding your relationship). Maybe you walk out of the room and read a book when he is talking with her. Maybe he doesn't check every random text (this is just good manners!!) or only shares them with you once/day.

Part of this is finding out how well you and dh can work together to meet each other's needs.

Can it work? Yes. It is NEVER easy, though, IME. Even with healthy, well-adjusted people there is nearly always an underlying painful history that you cannot erase.

Hate to tell you this but those feelings of jealousy are hard to shake...and they intensify 1000000000x more when you're pregnant! I'm going through it right now and it SUCKS. If your BF sticks to what he said about making you priority, and you can find yourself being able to stand the "when SS was born, when SS was a baby, when my ex was pregnant with SS" comparison stories, good for you! lol if I could go back to day 1 of my pregnancy I would have tried to keep SD(5) involved in getting things prepared and talking about the baby openly around her. Instead I've let my jealousy turn into such strong resentment that I've spent the past 8 months having a miserable pregnancy, an upset DH, I've been ignoring SD and hating her presence and now everyone's questioning if our marriage is gonna work. It's a LOT to deal with, think looooong and hard about it first!!