Wondering if this will ever feel good
I'm having a hell of a time getting into the groove of dating a father. My whole life I've dreamed of starting a family. Now here I am, 29 years old and childless. My first marriage didn't work out, always thought we would have kids someday but we just kept putting it off for whatever reason. Well, 8 years later we ended up going our separate ways. Now I'm living with BF who has a SS5 every other weekend. We have been together just over one year. I love BF and I really like SS. I don't know if I'd go as far to say Love. BF and BM have been divorced for 4 years, and she stays out of our business. BF and her are civil, sometimes it's good, sometimes they're fighting. BF is very supportive of my feelings in the whole situation. He lets me know that I am his #1 priority and he is very understanding. SS is even a good kid, he's crazy about me and very sweet. Keeps asking if I will marry his daddy and make babies lol. Sounds like the perfect situation right?(atleast compared to most on here)
But I'm constantly struggling with jealousy! I feel jealous of the love BF and SS share. Uncomfortable with him and BM talking, and how she always sends random pics of SS to BF. Completely "out of place" when we hang out with BF's parents because SS is always the main center of attention (he's the first grandchild). I want to have my own child so badly, I'm ready in every way. But I have so many concerns about it. It makes me sad that it won't be the first time for BF. I worry that every thing that happens during pregnancy and after, BF will be comparing to how it was with BM. He says he won't, and I believe he probably wouldn't outloud, but he will in his head, and I will be wondering what he's thinking. I know parents love all their children equally, I'm not worried about his ability to love, more so just how it will feel. While I'm feeling like my family is complete, he'll be feeling like there's something missing when SS is not with us. As much as I've tried to force the feeling over the past year, I just don't feel like a "family" when SS is with us. Believe me, I've tried. I've read all the books, posted and read on this website, prayed, spent time, disengaged, you name it.
I feel like a proposal is coming in the near future, and it's left me feeling worried. I love the life I share with BF and I'd be devastated to lose him. "I knew he had a kid when we started dating" but no one ever tells you how it's really going to be. I know most of you will say, "I'm young and I should move on", but that's not something I'm considering. I want to fight for this, I want to LEARN how to get thru this and be happy. I know it's possible I might have insecurities about fathers because I never had one to stick around for me when I was growing up. So maybe counseling would help? I just don't know, I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom from people that have had children with a partner who already has children.
I have to be honest with this
I have to be honest with this one. My SS was six when I had BS. They are now 9 and 3. I had the same jealousy issues. It's Hard be his second and not first. Often my DH would compare my pregnancy to BM because that's all he had to go on (I had a particularly hard pregnancy) but once I made it clear to him that I didnt want to hear it and it made me feel bad he laid off. It is something you will just have to accept that he has gone through everything before. At least you and SS seem to be on good terms. As for being uncomfortable about BM, that is something you should nip in the bud before you say I DO. Sit him down, let him know how it makes you feel and why, and what you propose should be done about it. Otherwise if you bring it up later he could very well say "you knew that when we married."
The feelings of jealousy will come and go, but once you have Bkids it will be harder. You'll probably get lots of SS hand me down's and constantly have to listen to stories about SS during all Bkids firsts. "I remember SS first steps...", "SS first word was..." etc etc. That's not to say bkids will come second to your BF, but remember he has been through all of it before.
Personally, we STILL struggle with this in my house and I hate it. I've read every book on the subject, tried different tactics, etc. It's gotten a little better as SS gets older, but it's not a cake walk. And he will constantly be doing things first. He will Have ALL the firsts.
Would I do it again? No.
Why get married? If you are
Why get married? If you are already living together, leave it at that. It might make it easier for you psychologically if you know you can make an exit any time you want.
You got married at a fairly young age (21) and seem like you went into this relationship soon after. Not having much time in between, especially going into this relationship with a skid, may not have been the best timing. But it does sound like your SO is at least being reasonable. For now.
As SS ages, you will find different kinds of problems cropping up. Not the least is how you feel about SS and how you feel about having more children with your SO. If you were to have your own child, it will change the dynamic considerably. You may see your SS becoming jealous and acting out - who knows! And the relationship with BM can sour easily, too, as she may become jealous of YOU having a baby. Then watch the fur fly ...
My advice is you are only a year into this. Continue to live together, keep your options open and DO NOT get pregnant until (if) you get to a place where being the "second" is no longer hard for you to accept. You can even be engaged for a long time if it makes it easier - just don't set a date.
Because you first need to come to grips with the fact that you will always be the second experience when it comes to your BF and parenthood - that will never change.
Thanks a lot for the input, I
Thanks a lot for the input, I guess that's what I was afraid to hear. BF is very aware of how it all makes me feel and the worries/struggles I have. He's chomping at the bit to have babies with me and he really wants to be a "full time dad" with kids of OURS. I trust he wouldn't bring up BM's experiences/stories of SS's first because he knows how sensitive I am about the subject