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God works in funny ways

Rachel81's picture

Submitted by Rachel81 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 10:04am

So wednesday this week was the first time since we heard from SD after a fun filled weekend of kissing her ass, she still went home and made up stories about what happened at Daddy's when all she did was have fun. This time she brought our friends into it. I just lost it while DH was on the phone with SD. She finally heard how much she is hurting me and DH. Then BM got on the phone and the fight began. She said that I should not be involved in this fight because I am not SD mom or father, but what that crazy women doesn't get is that this crap is going on in my home and I am legall bound to SD because my DH and I are married. BM would have no idea about marriage or love. The only men that want to be in her life are men that she had unexpect children with. this is the first time in 7 years that I exploded and was yelling in the background about how much BS this is and how controlling she is. I never let BM get the best of me, but for some reason I was super emotional and got involved. I don't know what good it caused, because now SD won't comeover. We'll see if she calls on halloween. The following day I found out that we are expecting our own little bundle of joy. So now I know why I was so emotional and let them get the best of me. Unfortunately this blow up and not seeing sd has caused my annoucement to be another thing on our plate. I am all crazy with emotions and don't know what to feel. DH says that things are good between us and he is just taking it in right now. I am only a month along, but I have to take care of myself now and I won't let SD ruin this for me. It's too bad she has to act this way right now so she won't get to be apart of the news. Oh well she will probably get even more selfish and act out somemore when she does find out. I am excited for me news and I am sure DH will come around. God is obviously telling us it's our time to be a family and if SD doesnt want to be apart of that then that is her loss.

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 10:31am

I don't think what you did was right (am I correct in saying that SD probably heard this?), but you can't take it back. I think it might be a good idea to say to SD the next time you see her, "SD, I am sorry I said those things and that you had to hear that."

How old is SD? Kids aren't renowned for making the best decisions and acting the right way all the time so it's really up to her parents to teach her how to treat people respectfully. Does DH do this? It certainly doesn't sound like BM does.

I will also say this. Kids can sense tension and when they're not liked. I know how easy it is to get pi$$ed off at skids but feel it is always a good idea to remember the source of their problems, and the fact that many of them aren't being parented by thoughtful, mature people. They're being parented by people who care more about themselves and their hateful agendas than they do about their own kids Sad

Another thing that I think would really help is to focus on what you can have a say in. You can and should have a say in how she behaves while she is with you. You can and should have a say in the rules she has to follow when she's with you. Your DH needs to be on board with this. Approaching him in a non-defensive way is helpful. Saying something like "DH, I love you and think you are a great dad. I care about your kids and want what is in their best interests. I noticed that they seem to be acting out and would like to work with you in creating reasonable rules for everyone in our home, and in getting to the root of the issues they are having so they can get the proper help they need." I think so many men are resistant to anything we have to say about skids because of the defensive manner in which we approach them about skid issues.

DH's enforcing rules will have two possible results. Either SD will fade out of the picture because she doesn't want to abide by the rules or she will start following the rules at your home. It won't solve all of her problems. However, if she chooses the former option, and decides to resurface at some point, she'll know she has to follow certain rules and be respectful to everyone, including you.

Read up on parental alienation syndrome (PAS) and have DH do so too. Google "Dr. Richard Warshak welcome back pluto." It's a great dvd to help kids who deal with PAS. His site also has other great resources for PASed kids and the alienated parent.

Rachel81's picture

Submitted by Rachel81 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 11:00am

I am not sure what you are referring to about what I said to SD or while she was on the phone? I didn't say anything wrong and most of what I said was while BM was on the phone and I was in the background. The only thing that I said while SD was that she is lying and enough is enough with this behavior.
SD is 11 years old and she knows what she is doing is bad, but because she has too homes she goes and hides and doesn't get disciplined at all for these false accusations she is making to please her mother. DH husband does tell her she is in the wrong and he never yells at her and he takes faults for her false accusation even though he didn't actually do them. We have always been good to her and there for her when BM isn't. I think now she has come to the realization unless she lies to her mom about what goes on at Dh house her mom pays attention to her and we are left hurt. I know she is doing this because she knows that we will forgive her oneday because we always do and I don't think her mother would.

" You comment here is so true about BM - They're being parented by people who care more about themselves and their hateful agendas than they do about their own kids" DH and I have always spoke kindly to sd when she is out of line which rarely happen until last August. Now she is acting like BM. When she has come to our house there hasn't been any tension because she usually aviods us for a week after she causes problems and we just try to start fresh with her and give her the attention she needs, which might be wrong of us to do because she isn't getting the idea her actions are wrong and unacceptable, but we don't want to spend what little time we have with her fighting over her mother's jealousy and selfishness.

See what I was fighting for was the fact this is effecting my household and things need to be said to her while she is in my house. SD is the one causing things to be uncomfortable because when she comes she is fine and she acts like herself, but 5 mintues back at mommy's and all these lies come up then she stays there till things calm down and comes back and does it again. I am not sure why she is fabrating lies about us to pls her mother. Especailly when we didn't do anything wrong except spoil her.

SD doesn't get what kind of mom she has. This is a women that has brough 3 men to court over children or fabracated lies. DH went to court with false accusations when SD was born, then BM had another baby with another man she broke things off with man of 2nd child and threaten to take him to court too! Then she started dating another man, which if she wasn't fixed she would have had baby #3, instead she claimed that he abused her and her family except our sd and took him to court now she is back with child #2 dad. While she was in court she had to have both children age 7 and 11 stand up in court to testify, while they should have been on March break. I feel this is when SD started crying for attention and wasn't getting it. Even when she was brought to court she told us that nothing happen with her mom's bf but turns out she testified that he did and he denied it. I personally think she made up something to please mother then.

You would be surprised at some of the comments that BM says infront of SD. I am shocked when they come out of her mouth. One thing she said the other day was that someone had called SD a bitch on the school bus so SD mom told her to say next time tell her that she should meet your mom she is the bitch and I am the bitch in training. Can you believe an 11yr saying that.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 10:32am

Congrats honey, just calm down and back away alittle. Let DH handle this for now, and you take care of you.

needinginwardpeace's picture

Submitted by needinginwardpeace on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 8:30pm

I think 'you take care of you' is a good thing. I find this VERY hard to do and totally get where you are coming from!!! I would be involved ASAP if this were me. It's easier said than done. Hoping there is a resolution for you and you're able to back away and disconnect from it all to take care of #1: you. (hoping to take my own advice as well!)

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Tue, 10/30/2012 - 12:27am

Hmmm. Our BM & SSs have done this kinda crap too!! But now karma has come in & seems to be teaching that wretched woman some good hard lessons on having her kids lie & make stuff up. You see-- I'm sure HER stepsons heard all the bs they've tried on us & now HER husbands kids are alleging all kinds of stuff against BM & her DH!!!! What totally had me laughing my ass off is-- her skids are now alleging the same BS she had my skids say about us!!!! Ha!!!!! Monkey see-- Monkey do!!!!!!!

OP- so what? Ya got upset at your sd yet again making crap up!! Give yourself a break here. We are ALL human. I did it on e before too. Not a big deal. You don't need to apologize to nobody- least of all your SD!!!!!! She NEEDS to know just how badly she is hurting people with her lies & manipulations!!! Sounds like BM puts her up to it--hence-- sit back, relax, take care of YOU & your bundle of joy to be. Eventually you will be able to pop some pop corn- and watch the karma train take over on BM once she stops giving SD everything-- she will turn on her Mom!!!

I'm there- and frankly it's a fun train wreck to watch!!!!!! Hang in there. Make your DH do Everything for her while she visits you guys. Let all her & BMs bs hurt HIM for awhile. That's when my life got easier. I took myself out of the line of fire!!! Now it's DH who gets crushed when everything he does for them just "isn't good enough".

I totally disagree. You owe no apologies to a girl & her momma that are frankly way out of line!!!! Why would you apologize to someone who is hellbent on sending harm your way via false threats & accusations?? Nope!!!!!!! Oh, by the way, I have 3 SSs yet only SS11 is a problem. He's the absolute most manipulative person I've ever met. They DO know exactly what they are doing!!!! & I proved it to both DH & BM by videotaping him saying horrible things to me when DH would leave the room!!! His excuse to his parents when I played it back for them?? "well I did it so you & my dad would fight- cause when you fight- I can get you to do what I want you to do dad". DHs jaw literally dropped. Then I looked at BM- and asked what he planned to say to her & what lies he was gonna make up? He flat out told his mom that he was gonna tell her I forced him to eat food that he hated & he knew his mom would get mad at me & then shed buy him the new video game he wanted!!!!!!! Everything changed for me that day- DH didn't believe me until that day. Esp since i totally REFUSE to fix them any meals- & DH sure caught that fast!!!! He laughed & told SS that i havent cooked for them since last holidays- cause they snub anything i make!!! DH i guess didnt know how that felt- till they started to do it to him!!!!!!Now there's no questions!!! & SS HATES it!!!!!

I do NOT buy into that " they are just kids" babble!!!!! They KNOW what they ate doing is very wrong- they just learned to play their parents to get the result THEY want!!!!!!!!

& congrats on the baby!!!!!!!