I love thanking mom and hanging out with my family for Mother's Day....BUT... This year is the first year I have ever had to experience the day away from my family, away from my classroom (used to get a ton of Mother's Day stuff from my students when I taught) and living here, with my boyfriend, and HIS kids. I spent the entire week last week down and a bit irritable, and honestly DREADING the day. I know this is a crappy day for many who have lost their moms, who are living with skids, who have icky bio-kids who don't appreciate them like they should, or such things. I'm sorry for all of you who also struggle with this day, and hope you made it through unscathed.

I don't have any kids of my own. I lost a baby at the age of about 20, never tried again till married at 34 or so...didn't happen. Ex-husband was completely again fertility stuff and/or adoption, so that didn't pan out either. By the time I was divorced, I was 40 and single and...well, it just never happened. Because of all these things...I spend alot of Mother's Days, and especially the weeks leading to it..well, SUPER DEPRESSED. I am full of what-ifs?, why nots? and such. This last week I found myself at one time losing it totally(and I am NOT a cryer or such) because I was just soo overwhelmed with the "Why me" stuff.

I am a good person, very faithful, hard working, kind and big hearted...and while almost everyone else I know got married, built up good careers, had children, settled down, and now live their little picture perfect lives with their lovely homes,jobs, lives, and kids.....meanwhile....I live in a rent house, 1000 miles away from my family, dealing with a venomously angry psycho controlling Ex/BM who has told ANYONE who will sit still that I'm a home-wrecker (NOT True at all, but doesn’t matter, no way to make friends with any women around here), dealing with the fact that there are NO teaching jobs here, and the few that open up have like 600 applications, (most with masters degrees n such). Between no career, no home of my own, no family close, no kids, no friends, limited money, etc….just UGH!! I sometimes fall into Pity Party Mode. It seems like so many people have it all….and I still struggle, wondering what it is…what I did so wrong? Or didn’t do…or whatever that got me here. So yeah…for other’s out there, you’re not alone…I had a good week of off and on Pity Party…but doesn’t do any good to wallow, so trying to just fix what I can and enjoy my blessings.

The biggest, truest, most amazing gift I have is my FDH. Mother’s Day morning, I woke to a sweet simple card from him, thanking me for what I do for him, for his kids, with his family, etc. .. brought tears to my eyes (the good ones this time).

I hope everyone out there, especially my steptalk sisters had a good day, or at least a tiny bit of appreciation from someone in your life. If not..let me be the one to thank all the wonderful women out there, mothers and non-mothers, for everything you do to mother ALL the people, animals, strangers, friends, family….ALL the lives good women touch and make better every day.