DREADING Graduations, Awards ceremonies n such….feel like a heel that I do NOT want to be here for all of this.

It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate with my FDH during these important milestones in the kids life, but to be honest, I wish I had planned to be away during this time. Here are my hard truths….the ones way down deep in my soul. I do NOT want to go to his daughters graduation. I do NOT want to be around BM and play “bonus not really family member, but hanging on” person. I do NOT want to get the looks and crap from BM, I do NOT want to sit through a graduation…all the waiting, time, etc. to be supportive of a girl who I will never be anything more to then “dad’s girlfriend” I do NOT want to be reminded yet again that I am NOT a mother, that I will never be able to attend my own childrens graduations, etc. (I have no kids). I do not want to attend awards ceremonies, mini-grad things, etc for other younger kids either. The BM has made a point to include the words “parents are invited to attend” when sending information to FDH about these things. Well, I’m NOT a parent. I’m NOT an actual member of the family. I am this odd being who feels included in some things, not in others. I am the afterthought…the bonus person in their life that they do appreciate, but not REALLY a part of everything. They love my food, appreciate my mellowness, fun side, sense of humor. They appreciate me and enjoy time with me….but I’m still just dad’s girlfriend (live in…but still). I just often feel like such a stupid tag-a-long at these types of things and am dreading getting to experience that feeling over and over for the next few weeks. I don’t feel like step mom…not that I’m sure what that even means. I am this satellite to this broken family….revolving around all their wants, and needs, and lives, popping in and out of orbit when I can help, or when plans involve me. I know I’m being silly, putting my own mental crapola in the way of what my FDH desires….etc….but UGH!! This stuff is just harder than you can ever imagine...

The worst thing….I feel like a creep for wanting to escape and just avoid all this crap together. I feel like I’m being as selfish and focusing on the negative when I need to(and probably will) just blow all these fears aside and do what is best for the kids and my FDH…and the family that he feels we are building. I love these kids…I pray that my being around for this stuff won’t make them any more uncomfortable for them…..in the end I guess that’s all that should really matter.