Well SS finally opened up...
After our argument today, I decided I would keep my promise and go pick up SS as planned. As I expected, he did not speak to me the entire car ride or acknowledge me when I arrived...BUT BM did send him with a gift for FDH and money to take him to eat.
I had to meet my MIL to drop something off, and it turns out FDH had called her to vent about our argument this morning. In true SS fashion, he didn't acknowledge her either. He got in the car as fast as he could, so her and I stood and chatted for a bit and she told me about her and FDH's conversation. She backed me up 100% and told him she didn't care if he never spoke to her again, he is WRONG for the way he is parenting!
When I got home, FDH came to talk to me and I had a bit of a meltdown. I told FDH it is so hard to be a SM, let alone to be a SM to a kid that doesn't even talk or acknowledge anything that's done for him. I admitted I have pulled back immensely because I refuse to continue giving and not feel appreciated. I told FDH there is a bigger problem going on here that needs to be addressed with SS and his lack of respect. FDH agreed and took him out for a talk immediately.
They were gone for about 2 hours, and when they returned, FDH looked worn out. I asked if everything was ok, and he said its far from ok or being ok. He said SS cried and became visibly angry because his dad isn't around. FDH said he explained why he had moved. FDH said SS is now upset about the baby and the fact that FDH will be living in the same house as our child. So when I asked FDH what we can do now, his response was, "I have no choice. I have to move." And he walks away.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!
I am almost 6 months pregnant, I'm not moving anywhere right now. We had planned to move after the baby comes and I find a job...so here we are up in the air again...all because of this kid who doesn't speak. The sad part is that he hasn't been to our house without a friend in about a year until today. It never had to get to this point. He could be coming to our house EW or EOW if he didn't get pissy all the time. We've never tried to keep him away, I've just stopped pushing to involve him so much because he's embarrassing to bring anywhere and have him not speak!
I'm so frustrated with this entire situation and am afraid this kid has now guilted my FDH again into leaving our child and myself!
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"FDH said SS is now upset
"FDH said SS is now upset about the baby and the fact that FDH will be living in the same house as our child."
I think it's understandable that SS feels that way, absolutely. But I think FDH needs to change his parenting, get his child counseling and be involved in that. This kid is going through a dark period but he needs to be taught healthier ways to cope by both FDH and a counselor.
"let alone to be a SM to a kid that doesn't even talk or acknowledge anything that's done for him."
In his juvenile mind, with his juvenile thought process, you are the woman who deprives him of having a full time dad (even if that's not how it happened). Even if he knows on some deeper level that you had nothing to do with the breakup of FDH and BM, he's going to resent you and your baby. All kids need their dads. Girls need their dads to show them how a man should treat them and boys need their dads to show them how to be good men. Your SS needs FDH for that exact reason and while it is very understandable that he feels jealous that your child will get a full-time dad, he needs to be taught healthier ways to cope by FDH and a counselor who he (SS) will feel comfortable opening up to, and who will figure out the truth and try to help him. And his BM needs to make him come over every weekend/every other weekend (whatever the CO specifies). Maybe she'd be willing to let him come over more so he can get more time with FDH. FDH may have to offer to her to keep the CS amount the same, even if he has him more. It sucks, but it may well convince her to let the kid have the time with his dad that he so desperately needs. This kid really needs extra time with his dad. Has he been allowed to pick and choose when he comes to visit? That needs to stop. BM needs to make him come over during the court ordered time.
And FDH needs to NOT move. Yes, it is a very, very sucky situation for SS. But him moving isn't going to help SS accept the situation at some point. Like I said, he needs more time with FDH, FDH and a good, no-BS counselor he (SS) can bond with to help teach him healthy coping and venting methods, and for BM to make him come over when he's supposed to. It does sound like SS could really benefit from professional help. And maybe FDH and BM would be willing to enroll him in a big brothers, big sisters program, so when it's not FDH's time, SS can still have a good male role model in his life that he sees and is close with. Maybe that'll help ease the jealousy and make him feel happier.
Sadly I think the telling
Sadly I think the telling word is "I" as in 'I have to move'.
He is putting his son ahead of his chosen partner.
I would certainly ask for clarification as to WHEN he is moving back and what HE plans to do about supporting you and your unborn child while you continue to live where you are.
He is allowing a teen to dictate where he can live. Not cool in ANYONE's books.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Exactly what I was thinking. What the fudge is up with that?!
I agree SS has a right to be
I agree SS has a right to be upset, absolutely. What bothers me is that I don't even know how to proceed with conversation at this point. FDH came back after walking away and I was in tears. I told him I'm too upset to talk right now because God only knows what may come out of my mouth at this point or how FDH reacts after actually listening to his child.
I'm pissed because it didn't have to get to this point, and sad that this kid feels the way he does, and scared and worried for my own child and myself.
I'm starting to really see that SS has no coping skills whatsoever and sadly, FDH has played a major part in that. FDH parents exactly the way my FIL does..from afar, with expensive items, and appears and disappears.
Sadly, I feel selfish because all I can think about at this point is all the time that's going to need to be devoted to this kid now in the midst of needing FDH here for birthing classes and preparing our house for baby. Is that absolutely selfish and terrible of me???
No, it is not at all. But I
No, it is not at all. But I hope you will share with FDH my above suggestions. He has to be there for you and your baby. He also still has to try to teach SS coping skills before he's a legal adult and while he still has a chance to.
I will share your suggestions
I will share your suggestions once we finally do sit down and talk (preferably when SS is back home and I don't have to whisper or hide my emotions). I hope FDH will understand where I'm coming from and see how much he's screwed up in letting this child control so much from so far away and stop blaming himself for these issues. BM is not capable of raising either of her kids on her own, we've known that for a very long time, and FDH should've been better prepared with a backup plan in mind.
I'm really not trying to give
I'm really not trying to give you more to worry about, but how is it that you expect your FDH's role in your own child's life to be different?
Especially since he's STILL parenting SS as shoddily as he is.
Whether or not SS has the right to be upset isn't the issue. He's a teenager. If literally nothing in his life was going wrong he would FIND something to upset him. WHY is your FDH bowing to the whims of a CHILD?
SS may benefit from counseling, but as a teen, at some point he'll have to sack up and realize that life isn't always what he may perceive as fair. Your FDH saying he MUST move because SS is upset is horseshit.
SS: Deal with it.
FDH: Tell SS you love him, but that he will have to deal with it.
PS- I was just on Facebook,
PS- I was just on Facebook, and SS who is supposedly so upset right now, is posting away while dad is downstairs forcing himself to stay up with him to watch a movie when he's been up since 3:30am!!!! This kid is unbelievable!!!!