I need advice on how to talk to FDH about SS12's behavior in general, and over the past weekend as well as FDH's guilt parenting with him. I did talk to FDH Friday when I came back from picking up SS about my utter amazement at his disrespect that he shows to everyone including BM's mother and my MIL with his lack of communication or even eye contact.

The points that I want to make are:

1.) SS is not in charge, the parents are in charge. In the past, FDH has given SS a choice of whether he comes to our house for visits or FDH goes there to visit. BM also allows SS to choose where he'd like to stay...like, as in live...he currently has been staying with BM's mother because BM has a 2 BR apartment with SS12 and a BD6 and makes them share a room. SS needs to be on a set schedule with visits. EOW he needs to know that he will be coming to our house, point blank. FDH is concerned with SS's lack of stability, well he gets stability with us, so this is what needs to happen. FDH cannot be running to where SS lives whenever he wants because we have preparations to make for our own child's arrival.

2.) FDH is a guilt parent. Anytime SS asks for anything, FDH does it because "I don't get to see my son everyday". What in the hell does that have to do with anything? FDH needs to realize he is RUINING this child. Next thing you know when our baby comes, the excuse will be, "I don't want my son to think I love BS more than him". Make me freaking gag. SS has full access to FDH's debit card for iTunes purchases, and has no issue racking up $50-$60 charges each month on games and crap. THIS NEEDS TO STOP IMMEDIATELY. FDH is not even putting $50-$60 aside each month for our baby's arrival.

3.) FDH needs to begin to teach SS the value of money. If SS is requesting $250 sneakers, he gets a reasonable amount to put towards the sneakers and has to save the rest. We pay his cell phone bill for him each month ($100 + his CS each month), so I don't think we should have to pay for anything other than reasonable clothing expenses. Yes, SS is older now and wants the more expensive items. So, I think it's fair that he gets a clothing expense in fall and spring and that's what he gets.

4.) Chores. SS needs chores, if not just when he comes to our house, but also at BM's house or BM's mom's house. SS has no concept of taking care of personal items. Said $250 sneakers were worn outside in the mud for laser tag on Saturday...YOU KNOW I WAS BEYOND PISSED. He needs something to be proud of. Since he bounces between BM & GM's house, maybe a set list of chores at each would work, or he can be assigned a bathroom at our house that can be cleaned every other weekend when he comes.

5.) SS needs to understand that family time does not just consist of us taking him places and spending money on him. He needs to interact more with the family...watching a movie, playing a game, or something that we can do in the house together. Again, he needs to associate a house as stable and loving. I have no problem, and have in the past, with playing manly video games with them and have enjoyed them laughing at how bad I am.

6.) EVERYONE NEEDS TO ALLOW SS TO FIND HIS VOICE AND STOP TALKING FOR HIM. There are times he will shake or nod his head, and I will pretend like I didn't see him to make him talk. EVERYONE NEEDS TO DO THE SAME. It is not ok that this child does not speak at his age to say "hello", "goodbye", and "thank you". FDH's excuse is that he doesn't have confidence...Bull. Nobody has ever made him speak, so he chooses not to.

7.) SS comes to our house alone. There is no reason for him to always have a friend with him. I feel that maybe once every other month or once every 3 months is reasonable for him to be allowed to bring someone with him. He needs to take this time to focus on family time, since that's what he requested from FDH.

This all sounds reasonable, no? HELP!