I HATE THE WAY FDH ACTS WHEN SS12 COMES TO VISIT!!!!!!!!!! This kid is going to be the death of my relationship.
So, today is the dreaded day that I get to spend over 3 hrs in the car going to pick up SS12 for Father's Day weekend to sit in silence with him since HE DOESN'T TALK. I've already made my plan for the trip. Since I'll need to eat between the time I leave and the time I get back, I'm doing it on my way there so I don't have to feed him. If BM's mom doesn't think to feed him, then he'll have to wait for his father to take care of it SINCE HE WON'T TELL ME IF HE'S HUNGRY ANYWAY. I'm not putting any music on in the car. He'll have to ask for it if he wants it on.
FDH and I already got into an argument this morning because, as usual, there is little appreciation or effort shown towards me IMO. I asked FDH if he can stop at the grocery store on the way home today to pick something up for dinner tonight, and his response was, "Oh, I'm good. I have what I need to eat at home." OK WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME AND YOUR SON?! I sure as hell am not coming home after that long trip to then have to cook dinner FOR A KID THAT DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK OR KNOW HOW TO SAY HE'S HUNGRY OR TO SAY THANK YOU. I could feel my attitude coming, so I had to get off the phone.
When he called me back, I had to tell him that offended me. I knew it was a mistake because he was going to flip out, but why the hell should I have to hold that in? EVERY SINGLE TIME SS comes to visit, I have to hold something in that offends me, and then I end up exploding and looking like a psycho...I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE. FDH immediately recanted his story and said that he meant he was fine for dinner but that he was going to the grocery store for other items and to let him know what I want. I told him that I was offended that the first thing out of his mouth was about himself. He got pissed as usual, and told me that he thinks I'm just being pissy because I'm jealous that his son is coming to our house for the weekend and that I do this everytime he comes to our house. WELL, MAYBE IF THERE WAS SOME SORT OF APPRECIATION SHOWN INSTEAD OF A FEELING OF DREAD I WOULDN'T FEEL THIS WAY EVERY SINGLE TIME HE COMES TO OUR HOUSE.
He called me back at work to scream at me some more about the way I act when his son comes to visit and how his son probably feels about me for my attitude that I portray. Of course, I work in an office setting, so I tried to end the conversation because I'm not going to have this conversation with employees around me, but he kept right on going. How do I think his son feels about me? His son needs to realize that part of my problem is HIM. A person can only take so much. There are only so many excuses that one person can be granted, and SS has reached his limit. I can see if I saw some sort of issues in SS (if he showed that his homelife with BM is messed up, he misses his dad, etc), I would probably give him more leniency in his stupid behavior...but all FDH does is talk about WHAT A GREAT AND DESERVING KID HE IS. YOU ARE FUCKING YOUR KID UP DUDE! It is NOT normal for a 12 year old to not speak to or acknowledge anyone except his mom friends. You are allowing your child to show no appreciation for anything or holding him accountable. THAT IS WHY I HAVE STOPPED GIVING THIS KID ANYTHING OR SHOWING HIM ANY AFFECTION. He has run out of excuses in my book. At 12, he knows how to talk, how to voice his opinion, he knows what is right and wrong. I really wanna ask him if he thanks his mom for things when she does them because he sure as hell doesn't thank us.
A few weeks ago, I had to make a trip to the same state SS lives, so I offered to drive 40 minutes out of my way to bring him the $250 sneakers that his father bought him for his birthday. THIS KID SAID NOTHING EXCEPT 'K' WHEN I TEXT HIM (I have to text because it's not like he answers the phone that we bought him and pay the bill on when we call) I DROPPED THEM OFF FOR HIM. I had to get on the phone with his father and tell him that really hurt my feelings that he didn't even say thank you. And you know what dad's response was? I SHOULD HAVE TEXT HIM AND TOLD HIM TO SAY THANK YOU. WHAT THE HELL?
I honestly don't know how much more my relationship can take with this. FDH is right, everytime SS comes, it is nothing but stressful for me. I have resentment towards this kid because of how dad treats him, and being pregnant now, I am even more nervous about how my child is going to feel or act towards SS and his behaviors towards others.
I will be honest here, my relationship with FDH has never been perfect, we have fought in front of SS. I have made plans for weekends when he's come to visit only to have FDH go and disregard them. I have gotten angry with FDH in front of SS about his lack of rules and authority. It has made for uncomfortable times in our house, and FDH and I spent about 6 months apart. When we got back together, I distanced myself from SS because he was part of my issues with FDH prior to the breakup. I no longer spoiled him or made special plans for us when he'd come to visit. I see no point in it any longer. He doesn't appreciate anything that is done, so why should I waste my time or energy doing it?
I don't know how much more my relationship can take with this. FDH also said this morning that if I don't "FIGURE IT OUT" then we will not be together, and that me being pregnant or not doesn't matter.
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Comments
All I can say is wow. You go
:jawdrop: All I can say is wow. You go beyond and above and I agree that needs to be acknowledged. Spending three hours in a car where I'm not spoken to would drive me nuts. In the future I would recommend his dad being the one doing the driving to and from. I'm a BM and SM and my DH is the one who picks up my SD. It just makes it easier and I don't have to deal with the awkward car ride. IHTH
I really think you need to
I really think you need to direct the resentment you feel towards ss to fdh and fdh alone. It really is not the kid's fault for how fdh treats him. If anything, what you write makes me wonder if this boy has a disability or is depressed clinically, or both. Or does he just not talk?
Is there any way you could get out of going on the trip to get him and have a friend come over to keep you company instead, or work some overtime?
I agree, my resentment is
I agree, my resentment is more towards FDH for the way he does not parent his child, BUT the child is 12 and I feel he has better manners than that and should acknowledge when things are done for him with a "thank you". I have been in his life for almost 8 years now, and have given him ample opportunities to speak to me by asking questions about sports he plays, school, and his interests.
As far as a disability goes, no, he just doesn't talk. Excuses are made for him with BM and her family (she is the exact same way, doesn't speak to strangers), and FDH's family doesn't tolerate it. My MIL has gone as far as also stepping back from SS because of his lack of, in her words, respect. It's funny, FDH can't stand BM's behaviors but tolerates his son acting that way...just goes to show that a parent will always have that unconditional love, but a SM's love does not have to necessarily fall into that category.
Unfortunately, I had volunteered this trip to pick him up as a Father's Day present of sorts. I may conveniently disappear for the weekend though based on today's events. I don't want to ruin anyone's weekend, and it's obvious this is not going to be resolved in a phone call.
Sounds like your DH is trying
Sounds like your DH is trying to push HIS parenting responsibilities off onto YOU. With no appreciation and no choice in the matter (seemingly), of course you are going to be resentful.
That sounds awful! Is it
That sounds awful! Is it possible for you to go away the weekends your FDH has SS? Force him to do his own driving, cooking, and parenting?
Wow, OP. Your SS and mine
Wow, OP. Your SS and mine sound exactly alike! My ss10 NEVER EVER EVER EVER speaks a single solitary word to me. It is summer vaca and BM went and changed up the schedule so that ss10 will be here every other week for the entire week and since I work from home, DH expects me to be the free babysitter. So, I have been stuck with ss10 all week during the day and do you think that child has spoken to me the entire time? Nope! DH calls me around lunch time every day...."Has he asked for anything to eat yet?" His way of telling me to fix ss10 lunch, even though the kid is old enough to fix something himself. And if it is something that he can't fix himself, he won't ask me to fix it. So, I go in there and fix him something and go to his door (he stays in his room the whole time on his xbox) and tell him his lunch is ready and do you think he even acknowledges me? Nope! Why can't he say, "Ok, thanks SM." That's all that I ask of him but that is obviously too hard for him to do for some reason. Me and DH have been married for 6 years and ss10 totally ignores me, doesn't speak to me, acts like I am invisible, and DH never addresses it. In his eyes, I am the problem b/c "I don't try anymore." As time goes on, ss10 gets worse and worse. I can't wait to see what he will be like towards me when he is 16. Just know that you are not alone in having a mute stepkid.
OMG!!! This is exactly the
OMG!!! This is exactly the same!!! SS is the same way! He will sit in the bedroom and play the video games all day, or he will sit and hog our iPad all day when he has an iPhone that we bought him. He has actually gone to the store with me and started crying like I beat him in the car because he's been so hungry and never told me. I felt like an evil person, but if I keep asking if you're hungry and you say no, what am I to do, force feed you?
Thank GOD we don't have a set visitation, or I might really be an insane person at that point. I feel bad, I know SS needs more stability in his life, but I'm so done trying to be the one to provide it or support it and not even be acknowledged. He is not my child, and I refuse to be the only one concerned with it. FDH has no problem leaving me at home to go and accomodate SS's want for FDH to come to his home so he doesn't have to leave his friends for the weekend.
I don't understand what's wrong with these DH's not telling their kids that it's ok to talk to us, or even acknowledging the fact that there is something wrong with their kid! Does your SS10 speak to his dad? Because I don't think mine even talks to his dad unless it's in a text message.
Maybe you could try (if you want to) telling SS he needs to come out to the kitchen to eat from now on? That is one thing, thank goodness, my FDH has supported me on...family meals together if we're all home (breakfast and dinner).
Wow...I feel for you ladies
Wow...I feel for you ladies that are treated this way. I wouldnt stand for it for one second...from skid or dh!!!
In my situation I am the one who doesnt/wont talk to skid11. When BF has him I am MIA and when we get married and skid comes on his visits BF will be spending his wkend visits in our large family room with skid while my son and I have the house to ourselves. BF knows that his kid is his problem and NEVER expects/asks/demands anything of/from me regarding his brat. I am done with that shit!
The day his brat gave me attitude for asking if he was "ok" because he was pouting in the back seat of BF's truck I was DONE with his bratty ass! And BF is totally ok with me having nothing to do with his kid.
It sucks when you are with someone that has "rose colored" glasses on regarding their kids. I wouldnt be able to deal with it.
I sincerely hope you ladies can get thru to your DHs...you deserve sooo much better than the shitty hand you have been dealt by your DHs and skids.