Did I go too far? I've really had enough.
My husband passed away and SD kept his cell phone and wallet. I was fine with her keeping his cell phone until I remembered that he gets notifications on it from the alarm company and our financial institutions. His email is also linked to his cell phone.
If it was really about sentimental photos as she claimed why wouldn't she just email them to herself or put them.on the already installed sd card and pull it out?
IMO she kept it for the other reasons I outlined above.
I have taken measures to prevent notifications by changing contact information in the important accounts. That wasn't enough. I had to go back in and change all the alerts and remove those. I'm sure I still missed yet something else.
The only sure way to end it is to close the email accounts or move everything to new financial institutions. Not ready to do that yet I have enough on my plate.
I sent emails and letters to the cell phone carrier and any of his email accounts he could have used to log in somewhere or get notifications. I included his death certificate and requested that they shut these accounts down after changing the login information. There is no reason for either one of us to be in his email or social media. I am his widow and the only reason I went in was to change the password and hopefully keep her out.
Now she's asking the only one of us who will speak to her for other information that is essential for identity theft. While I don't believe she would steal from us I do believe she would wreak havoc on us and inconvenience us as much as possible.
All of us are sick of her BS. She uses our own good nature against us and cries But we're famileeeeeee! Claiming to be some sort of spiritual seeker by constantly reminding us she's going to church now which was the same BS my husband used to trick me with and I'm not buying that mess anymore! (As soon as I was back home for a while the screaming started yet again. He dropped God quicker than he claimed to find Him) The only reason my son has even been civil to her after everything is because he has been insulating me from her but someday he is liable to lose his shit on her.
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No-
No. You have a lot on your plate.
She can keep his phone. But
She can keep his phone. But whoever is the executor of his estate can request to change his sim or cancel his phone number. I would go to his carrier, replace his sim card and stick it in a cheap phone. It’s the same thing they do if you lose your phone. Then reset his email passwords. Most password resets require a code sent to a phone number. The one that’ll be sent to your new cheap phone. Once all passwords are reset up to you if you want to pay for that number to roll on for a bit or to go cancel it.
This was a phone provided by
This was a phone provided by his employer so I am probably SOL but I tried anyway.
Yes, notify the employer.
Yes, notify the employer. Technically she has stolen their property and they very well may be able to wipe the phone remotely. At the very least they can shut off service so she won't get emails and notifications.
I did mention to the HR guy
I did mention to the HR guy at his work that she has it and won't give it up. I don't know if they will remedy anything or work wth her to help her keep the phone or the phone number.
It has to be because she wants all the notifications and contacts. She hasn't made a move yet toward picking up all the hand. turkeys and pictures from our house that we put aside for her. We already moved heaven and earth to get some things to her which she was fine with having because she can sell these things which is fine with me but she has in our opinion really abused any trust my husband and I placed in her while we were in the hospital.
My son was acting as a go between because I cannot stand to lay eyes on her or hear her voice. She has always tried to cause dissension between her father and myself in fact just before I was due to be hospitalized she was trying to get the man to go visit some woman he and his XW knew back in the day who had fallen on hard times and was living in a MOTEL. He told her absolutely not that he doesn't even remember who that woman was.
"I did mention to the HR guy
"I did mention to the HR guy at his work that she has it and won't give it up"
I'd go back and make sure they understood that this could be a security breach. As your husband's widow, if she does get her hands on anything that belongs to the company, you might be held responsible. Ask the HR people if they can wipe the phone remotely.
Call back and ask them to
Call back and ask them to shut service off. I can't imagine they will give her the phone. Let them know she is not the executor of the estate and threaten them with an attorney (nicely) if they don't shut the phone down.
Send a letter in writing to HR
Hardcopy via certified mail with an email copy to them as well. Explain that you're concerned about identity theft and your husband's accounts (which you are executor of now, I assume) being compromised if they do not wipe the phone and terminate the service. Include a copy of the death certificate so they have confirmation of your husband's death.
If they fail to act immediately after that you can hold them responsible.
Family isn't a noun, it's a
Family isn't a noun, it's a verb. It's an action you take to include and be included, in a positive and healthy way, with those in your inner circle. Being biologically related may make you a family member, but that doesn't make you a member of the family.
Empower your son to tell her that she gets nothing else until the estate is accounted for and your LH's wishes can be executed. In fact, the cell phone needs to be returned because it belongs to the employer, not LH, and they need it back. If she wants pictures, your son or you can make copies and send them to her cell phone. If she doesn't return the phone, then you'll have to ask the police to retrieve it from her to give back to the employer. And it needs to be returned in the condition she get it in because, again, it is the employer's property.
Make it sound like a big deal because you don't know if it is or isn't. My DH works IT, and his company has had to send police to get back equipment that former employees keep. My boss, who doesn't work IT, had to have an in-service with staff because someone took equipment with them after they left, and she had to inform us that it wasn't ours and had to be returned should be resign or be let go.
Your SD being his daughter doesn't give her any more right over his estate just because she's his daughter. Unless he named her as executor, she has zero power. She can yell and scream and stomp her feet, but let her. I'm not saying drag this out for years, but you're allowed time to get it all sorted, and you're allowed to tell her to sit down and shut up until that happens. My SBro and I know we're the executors of our parents' estate, and we are both fully prepared to tell SSis (the oldest of us) to shut her trap and stay the eff out of it because she has proven she can't/won't act like family so she loses any right to participate in family activities - especially the ones where sentimental items and assets are concerned.
Was just reading through the
Was just reading through the comments went i came to this one LD.... never have I read a paragraph that resonated with me more...
"Family isn't a noun, it's a verb. It's an action you take to include and be included, in a positive and healthy way, with those in your inner circle. Being biologically related may make you a family member, but that doesn't make you a member of the family."
I am a child of divorce, my parents both remarried, they both re-divorced before I was an adult (one having another child) and then both remarried again, bringing 4 step sisters (1 of 9 'blended' total). I am also now a step mum to an SD20 and SS16 - both polar opposites and their mother is a Narcassistic HCBM... My DH comes from a long line of nuclear familes of 3-5 children, all with 3-5 children who all are either narcs or people pleasers and the cycle of scapegoating, abuse and people pleasing is so obvious to me - I just have nothing to do with any of them. Quite often a dig thrown at me is 'i dont even see my own family' or 'at least i see my family'... HA! I have family... its the family i choose... family is those that treat you as such, not just because you share a last name or DNA.
Thank you for your paragraph - it really was just something i needed to have reafirmed!
Agree just call the company
And have the phone wiped and cancelled.
Change the passwords and recovery emails on all the main financial accounts.
That should make the cell phone she has worthless.
PS I do think she would steal from you if she could figure out how and I think you believe the same - otherwise you'd just explain why you need the phone back (return to company) and that would be that.
"While I don't believe she
"While I don't believe she would steal from us"
Think again.
Yep. Trust but verify. When
Yep. Trust but verify. When ET divorced XH#2 and changed her name back to DH's, my first thought was that she'd commit identity fraud. She knew DH's SS#, address, birth date, etc. She had access to his signature via their CO, divorce decree, and marriage license. She had done it before, and it would be SUPER easy for her to do it again. Luckily she didn't, but DH and I watched his credit report like a hawk for a solid year waiting to see if anything new popped up.
I sent his death certificate
I sent his death certificate to the credit bureaus. One of the POD to me accounts has had his name removed. The other I might have to leave as is for a year due to income taxes. I also sent the DC and whatever drivers license I could find to the DMV and sent a DC to the state disability insurance people because she has the card for that as well. When he was in the hospital she kept his cell phone and his wallet but luckily he only p!aced his ID and his medical card and just the disability insurance card in it because when he goes to the hospital he doesn't take the big wallet with the rest of the credit cards.
There is no estate here. No trust accounts. No real estate. I have been named beneficiary on ALL financial holdings which probably made her furious but her dad wanted it that way so I could take care of myself and our daughter between us. His point was SD is young, heathy, established in a decent livelihood and a homeowner whereas I'm older and in failing health and probably at this point could not obtain employment as a crash test dummy.
At the time I thought it might have been a tad unfair. Not so much anymore.
And the business with the notifications and all? The cell phone? I have never been devious enough to make all of those connections instantly. It didn't even occur to me until at least a week after he passed away that the cell phone could be misused. When I realized she might know every time a deposit or purchase over 100 was made I was horrified.
The really sad thing is his superchristian brother is probably okay with it. He is team BM.
I was married to the man for over twenty years and cared for him twice when he had cancer. I operated under the assumption that in the end if he went first I could be left out in the cold but I did it anyway because I was his wife.
Due to his emotional abuse it often felt like a very thankless job at times but I still took care of him the best I could and when he no longer raged at us I decided I would not impoverish the man by divorcing him because we both need health care and our issues had the potential to become very expensive.
Some people are acting like this counts for nothing and I have no rights here. It is a slap in the face whether it comes from his kid, his coworkers or very close friends of his from decades ago, not one of which has offered any condolences to me whatsoever.
I know I shouldn't be hurt because these are after all HIS people and not mine. I feel like my children are the only people who give a flying fuck about me but they are the only ones who truly matter now that he's gone.
I really don't know what to think anymore.
Your husband is gone now.
Your husband is gone now. With his passing, you have permission to also not give a flying frack about the people who aren't offering condolences and support during this time.
Eff those people. You're alive and battling cancer. He left what little he had to offer to you. Whether you should have stayed married or not is irrelevant. You did, you were a dutiful wife, and you contributed to his estate, no matter how big or little it was.
This is both your burden and blessing. The abuse can now end. You can cut ties with the crazies who exalted him while diminishing you. Do NOT feel bad or like you owe anyone anything. Unless your LH had a specific list of things he wanted the kids to have, or a separate account established for them in their names, you decide what is right and fair for them.
And do not doubt that you're being right and fair. You stuck with a man who deserved your ire, not your love, for your own practical reasons. I have no doubts that you can, again, be practical in this. You're BEING practical. You're alive, his estate (and I use that term loosely) is yours, and you need it to pay off mutual debts and just survive as a widow suffering cancer. SD can have some sentimental trinkets, but being involved beyond that is unnecessary. Her father is dead, and whether she likes or agrees with it, you're who he trusted to make sure his final wishes were executed.
I don't envy your position, and will be in a similar one that your children will be in a many, many years when you pass. My SSis is mentally unwell on a good day, and I'm already preparing for how I'm going to handle her when the time comes. I will not feel bad when she cries crocodile tears. Her time to give a damn and try was when people were alive. Once they're gone, any nicety I bestowed on her for the living is gone, too.
SD made her own bed, as did your LH's friends and family. If they regret that now, then let them stew in it. Perhaps it will teach them to be a better friend and person while folks are alive. But do not feel beholden to these a$$holes. Any responsibility you felt toward them died when your LH did.
First who paying or account is this phone on
If it's yours cut it off. Second change all accounts information as where to send e mails and text pulse change all account names and password. Also for social media accounts as Facebook ect. Actually set up new banking asscontd in your name only and move all the money
I just sent an email to
I just sent an email to someone at his work that would handle this. I didn't mention names just told them I hadn't seen it since we were both in the hospital and who knows what kind of information someone could pick up if they had it.
Hopefully that will be sufficient.