Is giving out my cell phone number to his ex wife necessary?
I'm new here and wasn't sure what forum topic to put this under, hope I picked the right one.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, he has been living with me for over 3. He has three minor children which he sees every other weekend and once a week.
The threats and harassment from his ex started right away. I wasn't allowed to be left alone with the kids for any period of time, she had to have my phone number and address, she stalked me on FaceBook, and found whatever information she could about me and my family online (including my grandmothers information) and used it against him in court. For example: She found out I wasn't Christian and told the judge lies about me and my beliefs. All without prof or the ability for me to speak.
His ex is an attorney, specializing in fathers rights, family and criminal law. Yet she is not a father right advocate when it comes to the father of her children. She has tried to serve me at my grandmothers home, called my son's school to try and get information and hacked into my boyfriends email accounts (deleting one completely and emptying the other, both were emptied into her email account).
Now, these email accounts had EVERYTHING. Correspondences between his attorney and him self, personal messages and every text message sent to his phone (he was trying to document all the crazy making). This was then brought up and used against him in court.
But the kicker was when she placed not one but 3 sex ads on an adult website with my full legal name, home address and home phone number. Luckily a friend of mine stumbled across it and contacted me within hours of them being posted.
Now she is demanding my cell phone number and I absolutely REFUSE to give it to her. Because of my refusal she is withholding parenting time she had originally agreed my boyfriend could have over the holiday break.
I will NOT give out my number and have given alternatives, ex. I will forward my home phone number to my cell phone if I am out with the kids, she is informed of where we'll be and when, my boyfriend and his parents all have cell phones and she has their numbers. This isn't good enough...nothing is good enough.
I don't want to give her my cell phone number but am worried that if she takes this in front of the judge, he'll make me give it to her.
Am I worrying for no reason? Do you think the judge would side with her? She keeps stating that it's important she have it "in case of emergencies", yet we give her plenty of other options.
This is only a small sampling of what I've dealt with over the last 4 years. I keep hoping it will get better but it doesn't. Sometimes it gets better long enough to make me think "maybe she's finally changing" and then more crazy making happens and my boyfriends parenting time is taken away or threatened.
Wow, just wow. Has the court
Wow, just wow. Has the court sided with her in the past? What she is doing is illegal. She can't steal documents or communication your BF has with you or his attorney. Why hasn't BF attorney called her out on this or filed charges? The sex ads are deformation of character and is illegal therefore you can sue her ass. Why BF not using all this against her?
Yes, the court sides with her
Yes, the court sides with her often. He doesn't have an attorney anymore since she busy-worked them to a bill of over $60,000. At that point he had to let his attorney go and no other attorney wants to touch his case without thousands of dollars in retainer fees. And yes, she did use the emails even though my SO argued that she couldn't. She keep saying that he emailed them to her, and he had no proof that he didn't.
He took the email hacking to the cops but she stated her husband or someone else did it not her. Her husband couldn't/wouldn't testify against her and she wouldn't file the divorce papers (for husband #2) knowing he would talk. With no proof there was nothing more the investigators could do.
I did get her on the sex ads but it was taken off her record this past November since there were no same or similar charges.
We do have her on recording stating that she did post the ads...at least we have that.
The judge is sick of seeing them, and has threatened to take the kids away if they can't work things out. Mediation doesn't work at all, and she says one thing and then changes her mind at the last minute.
I have no money for an attorney and don't think I can fight her crazy making in court. She just walks everyone in circles. In my SO case she then turns on the water works with some statement about how hard it is to be a single mom, and how he doesn't help. He pays more than $1000/month in child support plus we buy school supplies,clothes and shoes for them. No, he doesn't help with traveling soccer, ridding lessons, archery, dance, or any other extra activities because financially he can't.
I can't wait for SO to step up, but am at a loss as to what I can do.
Do you think I can take her to court for harassment even though it's through my boyfriend? I don't speak to her, I try not to be in the same room as her.
Not sure if you can take her
Not sure if you can take her to court for harassment. It sure does sound like you can though because she is contacting your family against your wishes and unwarranted. Try this: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-harassment-charge.htm it may help
Thank you StepKat. Hopefully
Thank you StepKat. Hopefully I can figure something out.
I will hope for the best and
I will hope for the best and keep you in my thoughts.
Attorney's fees should NEVER
Attorney's fees should NEVER get that high. That is absolutely crazy. They should have lower paid workers and para-legals do the grunt work so they can actually get the case finished for their clients. Heck, they could have interns do a lot.
Thank you, ITS-OVER, I have
Thank you, ITS-OVER, I have gone back and fourth on reporting her many times. I didn't want to be the reason she couldn't work, or the reason SO child support went up again.
I'm done being messed with and her lack of ethics. I will be reporting her to the bar. I have the screen shots of the sex ads, her confessing on a recorded phone call (which can legally be used in court here in MN), and the charge that was against her for the sex ad. Unfortunately that is the only hard proof I have. I didn't know if it was enough to do anything, but I'm going to give it a try.
This story sounds very
This story sounds very familiar...
That being said, go to Walmart and buy a $14.00 prepaid cell phone and give her that number. You don't have to put money on it and you do not have to ever answer it. Dilemma solved and she thinks she won until she can't harass you on that phone or you can put just texting time on it and she can hang herself with that.
^^^^THIS^^^^^ Get a cheap
^^^^THIS^^^^^
Get a cheap pre-paid and give her that number. It will satisfy her and you don't even have to answer. As for the other stuff, document. I agree about going to the Bar Association. Mess with her life. And you said she's married? Why would her current husband put up with this crazy behavior unless he's as unstable as she is?
Thank you, realitycheckmom. I
Thank you, realitycheckmom. I see where you're coming from and have thought about that...it could be a good tool to prove she's stalking.
Thank you, Taushalove. SO
Thank you, Taushalove. SO does have a custody agreement, she violates it all the time. When SO tries to bring it to the judge she counters with a statement saying they are working on an agreement. Sometimes they are but the issues never get resolved.
When he comes home (he's working out of state right now) he's going to contact the judge again. He hasn't been the greatest at documenting but he is documenting what's going on.
Freyja, hello and welcome!
Freyja, hello and welcome! What a horrible situation you find yourself in...
Your BF's ex sounds deranged - as in has a diagnosable disorder, probably borderline personality or something in the same neighborhood. Her brazen intrusions into your privacy, the ability to manipulate... are quite scary. If the kids are young, you are going to have to deal with her threats and other lovely stuff for many many years. The question whether to give her your number ( under no circumstances) carries less weight i think than the question whether you want to have this craziness in your life. This is just TOO much. My DH's ex is something of the same variety, and things only got worse after me got married. Character-disordered people cannot be reasoned with, the only option is to have no contact with them. But you cannot do that because of the kids. Even the judge wants her to go away.. Fathers' rights, my foot...
Are you sure you want to have her try to control your life for many more years?
You could file a complaint with the Bar Association ethics committee and even win that battle. But are you sure that you want to be engaged in a continuous war? Has she tried to alienate the children yet?
Hello, Pilgrim Soul, thank
Hello, Pilgrim Soul, thank you.
We're pretty sure she has borderline personality disorder, and know she's a narcissist. The trouble is it's so hard to prove.
I try really hard to stay out of everything that happens between SO and his ex. She has told the children all kinds of lies about me. I can understand that she may not like me, but to tell a 4 year old that the devil lives in my basement is uncalled for. It hurts the kids, not me. Yes, she has been trying to alienate the children. So is very hurt by her blatant disregard of his right as a father to see and talk to his kids.
NO, I do not want to be in a continual war with her. Nor do I want to deal with her control issues. I want it to stop but now I know it will never get better. I have never wanted to marry and know that if we for some reason did, things would become even more unbearable.
Hello Tog, thank you. He is
Hello Tog, thank you.
He is pretty wonderful in a lot of ways, but even that is now being overshadowed by his ex.
SO only contacts her when necessary, he'd rather not talk to her at all. He is respectful but stands his ground. The problem is that their entire marriage she walked all over him. It was after their divorce and when he was with me that he stood up for himself. That is a big part of why she targets me. In her mind it's all my fault that he won't put up with her demands. In reality, he was away from her manipulation long enough to see what was going on.
He documents everything now but didn't at first. He doesn't engage, and if they are discussing/arguing keeps going back to the original topic. The thing with NPD|BPD people is that they crazy make, talk you in circles and lie. But they lie so much that their lies become their reality and nothing you say can change it.
She tricked him into giving up his physical custody but he still has 50% legal. He will never give that up, nor would he give up more time (at least as of now). The problem with the CO is that there has been so many changes and corrections made to it, she interprets it how she wants to. I've been telling SO to take all the COs he has and wright out one with them all included. He started working on it but it's so much legal jargon and a lot of vague orders from the judge. As for extra time, he takes it when he can. A lot of the time she offers it and he accepts, only to be told the day of or day before that he can't have them. Or he requests vacation time months in advance and two weeks before she puts in her vacation time in the middle of his. The vacation thing has landed her in front of the judge for emergency hearings twice, both times the judge sided with him. If he doesn't take her offer for extra time she tells the judge that he doesn't want to see his kids. It's such a mess...
This is why he's documenting and wants to get in front of the judge soon. The CO and vacation bull needs to be straightened out.
I'm glad you and your DH have found peace.
I never understood why guys would walk away...but after 4 years of this, I totally understand why some do.
I don't know if the court
I don't know if the court would make you give her your cell - as the court doesn't recognize you as the parent of that child and there are not provisions in a CO for steps. That being said, I would not give her my cell number no matter what even when it get better - learn to forgive, but with both eyes open, I say!
In the end, most states have a communication restraining order that can be put into effect if she is truly harassing you or your family directly. But remember that it is all about what you can prove. Same goes for reporting her to the bar association. It sounds like she could be dis-barred, but only if you have the concrete documentation to do so. If you want to go that route, make sure your docs are iron-clad and in order before you jump down that rabbit hole.
If DH is not willing to take her to court to enforce the CO visitation, then he will not see the kids and you will have to be at peace with that. Take a staycation so that you guys don't mentally anguish over what can't be controlled.
Good luck
Thank you, asnoraford. I'm
Thank you, asnoraford.
I'm not going to give her my cell phone number and hope that it isn't asked for in court.
I do have proof of the sex ads, and she was convicted of a crime because of them. But that's all I have solid proof of.
SO has taken her back to court for violation of the CO. It keeps happening because they interpret the CO differently and the judge hasn't responded to clarification. I do my best to keep out of the mess. It's just really hard to see SO so frustrated that his parenting time is messed with or taken away because she's mad at him.
No way that BM ever needs to
No way that BM ever needs to have your phone number. When I met my (future) DH, the skids were around 6 and 7. They are now both over 18. BM has NEVER once had my phone number. I have very very rarely ever even had to talk to the crazy bitch.
So, no. And there is no judge in this country that is going to make you give it to BM.
My DH's court order stated that each parent had to have a phone number to contact the other one in case of emergencies. What we did was got a Magic Jack (Google Voice would work too) and gave BM that number (as well as telemarketers etc). Any voicemails would get sent to my email so I could get the message no matter where I was at.
I didnt read all the replies,
I didnt read all the replies, but you need to call your State Bar Association. If what you say is true, and you have anything that can prove it, she will be disbarred. During our hearing, bm's atty friended me on fb (I went to college with her!) and I accepted, only to find out who she was, and immediately deleted her. Anyway, my attorney contacted the bar association. The only reason nothing happened is bc I didn't take a screen shot or anything
They take it very seriously, so I'd look into it.
and no you dont have to give
and no you dont have to give her your number, or anything about you. BM has mine, only bc the kids live here. But I never answer. I let her leave a vmail and then have DH or the kids contact her back. shes not my problem.
BM tried to use the fact that
BM tried to use the fact that I refuse to give her my number against DH in court. When BM's attorney asked why I wouldn't give her my number, I simply stated that BM had harrassed me in the past when she did have my number, and I would not be dealing with her at all. The attorney couldn't change the subject fast enough (her eyes popped out of her head. Lol), and the judge seemed very interested to hear that info. If it comes up in court, tell the judge about the history of harrassment.
This was posted 7 years ago I
This was posted 7 years ago I would assume it's been sorted one way or another.
Time to invest in a PI who
Time to invest in a PI who has a strong cyber investigation capability and go to war with this psycho womb donor.
That PI should be able to dig up who hacked your SO's accounts. Once you have her crucified for her crap, then go after her in court and after her law license. This kind of crap should be adequate for getting her censured by the state BAR if not having her license suspended if not getting her disbarred. As an officer of the court she is not allowed to break the law. Go for her throat.
I would.
And hell no, do not give her you personal contact information. One of the boundaries you need to go after is having 100% of her communication with your SO go through a court monitored service like OFW (Our Family Wizard) where her crap will be hung out for the world to see when she pulls her toxic bullshit. I would have my personal attorney, separate from your SO's, send a cease an decist order and file a RO/PO against her for her toxic targeting crap.
I would make it my devoted hobby to end this biotch for good. Professionally, socially, financially, and legally. My goal would be to have her next career be focused on the phrase "Would you like fries with that Ma'am/Sir?"
Grrrrrr.