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help! My adult ss is ruining my marriage!

poisonapple's picture

Submitted by poisonapple on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 1:40pm

I've tried to be nice. I've tried to be patient. But I don't know how much longer I can take it! SS25 has no ambition whatsoever. He is lazy, he is a slob, and he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He works part time (no more than 12 hours a week) at a local pizza joint. He is not compelled AT ALL to get a full time job, or even another part time job. We pay his car insurance, he pays no rent, and buys no food. Basically, he contributes absolutely NOTHING to the home. Once in a blue moon he'll prepare dinner for DH and I. But when he does that, I wish he wouldn't, because he leaves the kitchen a complete wreck and I have to clean it up. He has a freakin' college degree for cryin' out loud! We have 2 dogs in our home. But SS25 is so lazy, he won't even let them out when they want to go out. He doesn't even have to watch them because they are very obedient, he simply has to get his fat ass off of the couch for ten seconds and open the door. I've talked to DH about this, and together we have talked to SS25. He acts like he gets the picture, and "goes job hunting" for a day, and then after that, it's right back to being his lazy self. I'm getting to the point where I resent him. I hate coming home and seeing him on my couch watching my tv. I hate waking up in the morning only to walk into the living room and find him sleeping on the couch. He goes days without showering, and hasn't had a date with a girl in over a year. Kicking him out is not an option, because he has no place to go. But I can't do this anymore. I need help. DH and I have a great marriage, but his adult son is becoming more than I can bear. Does anyone know how to handle this without kicking the guy out on the street?

Comments

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 1:45pm

Wow! He is 25, no where close to being a kid. Have you tried making him pay rent? He is acting like this because he can get away with it. I know you say kicking him out isn't an option, but Ill bet he gets his ass in gear if you do so.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 1:49pm

Sounds like he has a pretty good life and why would he change that? Talking without consequences if there is no change, is just nagging. He knows you won't throw him out, so why change? If you don't want to throw him out, start charging him rent and let him choose to stay and work more hours to cover the rent or go look for another place to live. You and your dh have allowed him to be your problem. He isn't going to change because he doesn't have to. You aren't making him, you're simply telling him his behavior is upsetting. He doesn't care that it is upsetting. The only way to MAKE him care is to hand out the consequences. So he has no where to go. He is 25 YEARS OLD. That is HIS problem, not yours. Have your cable turned off. Hide power cords. Do whatever you can to make "staying home" all day as miserable as possible. Quit feeding him dinners with groceries you paid for. There is no excuse for a 25 year old to sponge off his parents. If you threw him out - HE'D FIND SOME WHERE TO GO, but since he knows you won't, he won't even look. So the economy sucks right now, but there is no reason he can't work full-time to pay you guys some rent and his own damn car insurance.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:07pm

Ditto on above. I may be facing the same thing with my son 20. He is planningn on joining the Air Guard I am hoping for a change at that point.

Constantly_guilty's picture

Submitted by Constantly_guilty on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:47pm

It sounds like you and your DH have discussed these issues (making him pay rent, kicking him out, etc) and your DH has vetoed those options. If my assumption is incorrect please clarify. But if your DH refuses to force SS25 to start acting like an adult then if I were you, I would be telling DH that either SS25 starts paying rent and participating in the household (buying groceries, participating in the cleaning, etc) or until he does you will be finding an apartment of your own.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If DH doesn't want to give any consequences to the adult male living in your house then perhaps it's DH that needs the consequences.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:58pm

*like*

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"