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Christmas is for happy people

playdead's picture

Not what I expected for our first Christmas together as a couple

Christmas Eve dinner was at my parents house, had a lovely dinner, opened presents and visited with my aunt, neighbor and cousin who were also present. SO was feeling low, since this is supposed to be his Christmas to have SD(7). So low that he barely spoke, had sad face all night and cried at the end of the evening. 

We came home that night and I confessed that it hurt my feelings and I felt childish but it did kinda make me feel like he didn't want to be there with us. He apoligized and reassured me that he just wished she was there too.

Christmas Day comes and started off lovely we opened gifts, had breakfast...then a dark cloud descended and he basically locked himself up for the rest of the day. Was not allowed to even speak to his daughter on the phone.  

Later he got incredibly angry at me, which I will get into shortly, about something I had said in regards to a phone plan for the kids gizmo watches they got from their BD. He told me he doesn't want to go with us to see my Mom this weekend up north to play in the snow and is seriously questioning our relationship.

I never noticed before this relationship but it has become a huge problem with SO that I am so forgetful.  It always seems to be the tiniest things that he brings up, something said, something done, and I just don't remember it. It is so frustrating to me because in the end its not really even stuff that matters. But it upsets him so much he just berates me for having no memory whatsoever.

My ex asked what he could get for the kids and I told him the gizmo watches would be great so they could play in the neighborhood and we could know where they were and if there were any issues after school picking them up we could call them. Well SO had a major problem with me paying for the monthly service and insisted that I tell my ex RIGHT AWAY that he had to pay the monthly service (even though our money is separate, and I wouldn't be compromised financially if I had to pay $30 a month). So as I am trying to set up the watches yesterday, he demands that I come to the room to talk to him and there continues to rip me a new one for "lying".  

Now I know how lame this sounds and it again is something that drives my SO insane, but I don't remember saying what he said I did. He said that I told him I already told my ex he had to pay the monthly service charge. I didn't remember.  He is now saying he can't trust me, I'm a liar, I can't be honest and he doesn't want to be with someone who lies. 

I suppose its possible I lied and said that i had already told him just to get him off of my back. He becomes relentless when his mind is set on something and in a way I see it as a non-issue who pays the $30 a month. Its such a small amount and the watches themselves, which the ex paid for are about as much as a year of service for both. 

So he yelled at me for lying and said that I lie constantly...and on and on. I feel like its ironic that he feels like I'm the liar when he didn't tell me he was still married until he had been living with me for two months. But it was all her fault because she wouldn't sign the papers.

More and more I just feel like this relationship is just too hard, even though he otherwise has been amazing and a great person to be around.  I don't know whether to suggest counseling or not, to just call it quits now before we're both stuck, or some other third option.

 

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Question: Are you forgetful with EVERYTHING or only with things related to your SO? If it's only things related to your SO, it's likely he's gaslighting you. 

In fact, re-reading your blog, I'd say he is definitely gaslighting you.

he is seriously questioning our relationship.

I'd be more than willing to give him space and plenty of time to consider our relationship.
BY ENDING IT MYSELF.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

THIS.

My H is frankly emoitionally and mentally abusive... Hence why we're separated... But something I've flat out told my therapist is that sometimes he starts talking and I get forgetful, or they weave everything and you can't remember and it all sounds great...  It's honestly a sign of the gaslighting... The making you feel like you're the issue, even though typically they're the ones who have done the things you're being accused of.

playdead's picture

I think our time apart will be very revealing.  I am forgetful I have been since I was a child, it runs in my flaky family. He is pretty much the opposite and has always been a man of his word, following through on everything that he says..it has been amazing in that way. I've never had a man in my life with as much integrity. But he does gaslight, I've noticed.  Denies my experience or discounts it somehow. Totally infuriating... 

 

tog redux's picture

I'm with the others, this was abusive behavior. I'm guessing you are what - 30? You aren't losing your memory unless you are getting that feedback from everyone else in your life too - your family, your friends, your work.

What makes this guy worth keeping?

Simpleton21's picture

I agree with the others.  He is a manipulative/abusive man.  Leave him before it gets even harder to do so.  You will be dealing with this SD turmoil for the rest of your life if you don't.  

thinkthrice's picture

than a man who is pining and mourning his first family over the holidays then barks/snaps at you for suggesting to try and enjoy the moment. or angry at you because you are spreading holiday cheer with your own bios

Bad

playdead's picture

I do take responsibility for having this in my life, it is my life.  Judging from his texts he sounds ready to move out. Saying he can't trust me, that when he asked me if I wanted to be with him I thought about it too long and my eyes averted so he knows I'm lying when I said yes.  I am so glad I had plans to go visit my mom this weekend so I can remove myself and my kids while he deals with his shiz.

 

 

Simpleton21's picture

Good let him move out then.  That will likely be the nicest thing he has done for you.  I am guessing that was just an "empty threat" to make you "beg" for him to stay so he can continue to use you as his mental whipping post.  

I'm also glad you are going to visit your mom without him.  Good for you!  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Don't be so sure. H loves threatening that too. Because he loves feeling wanted. He can throw that around like candy, becuase he believes I'll come running back every time.

Second I say I'm on a thread. It's all about "oh no! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!" 

Saying he's done or doesn't trust you or asking that s*** can be a power move in and of itself.

Simpleton21's picture

Exactly, it is a power move to get her to beg for his forgiveness and admit that she was wrong and she was the bad guy.  I'm sure a test of sorts.  

Monkeysee's picture

Im sorry, but sitting there all sad because he doesn’t have his princess there with him is gross. I get that it isn’t easy to be away from your kid, but seriously, get over it. I’ve never seen my DH behave this way when we don’t have the kids for Xmas, he just gets on with it because that’s what happens when you get divorced. 

As for the way your SO is speaking to you, that’s absolutely not ok. It’s none of his business if you want to pay for your kids watch plans, especially if your finances aren’t joined & it won’t impact anything. He sounds like a pathetic, controlling, abusive man & you’d be better off without him.  

beebeel's picture

My dh forgets everyfreakingthing and it has caused me to lose my shit a time or two. I'm not gping to jump on the "he's gaslighging you!!" bandwagon because you readily admit you're "flaky" and "forgetful" much of the time. He also claims to forget entire discussions we've had where he agrees to something when I've found out he's sneakily done the opposite. So from the actual information YOU appear like the gaslighter. And yep...I have lost my shit on my DH for that garbage.

You can believe this is a personality trait that you can't change because it's "in your blood" or you can work on your own shit. Because I guarantee the next guy will also grow tired of having to remind you every day about menial things of which a grown ass woman should be able to keep track. The next guy won't be happy when you tell him one thing, sneak around to do the opposite and the claim, "uhh..i forgot!" Nope.